Oy! Such a JOW #796

Tom sent me some wonderful material about Jewish humor.  I love Jewish humor; well except for Jerry Seinfeld.  I never found his TV show very funny.  I know – there must be something wrong with me.  I meet with a support group of other who do not ‘get’ Seinfeld.  It’s a small group.  Here are a few of the great lines from the old school comedians of the 50’s and 60’s.  Before it became necessary to make comedy routines R and NC17 rated.

* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"

* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea .

* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

* She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off
.

* The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six months.

* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I am 60!"

Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears."

Doctor: "Don't answer!"

* A drunk was in front of a judge.

The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking."

The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?

They're worth it.

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much.

The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now .

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There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins.  In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.

There once was a powerful emperor who needed a new chief swordsman. So he put up posters throughout the land saying he was searching for a new chief swordsmani. But after 2 months, only 3 Samurai applied for the job two Japanese, and a little Jewish guy named Morris. So he interviewed all three.
The emperor first asked the first samurai to demonstrate why he should be his chief swordsman. The Japanese opened a little silver box and out flew a little fly. Whoosh went his sword and the fly dropped dead in two pieces. The emperor was impressed.
The emperor then asked the next samurai to demonstrate why he should be his chief swordsman. He opened a small pearl box and out flew a mosquito. Whoosh, whoosh went his sword and the mosquito dropped dead in three pieces. The emperor was very impressed.
Then the emperor asked Morris to demonstrate why he should be his chief Samurai. Morris opened a small gold box and out flew a wasp. Whoooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh, whooooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh went Morris's sword, but the wasp was still alive and buzzing around the emperor.
The emperor was very disappointed and asked Morris, "After all your sword play, why is the wasp not dead?"
Morris replied, "A circumcision is never intended to kill."

And of course Jewish mothers are a rich vein for mining jokes

Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?

A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?

A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!

Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll just sit here in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."

Q: What did the waiter ask the group of Jewish mothers?
A: "Is anything OK?"

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A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.

She asks, "What part is it?"

The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."

"The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

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A man called his mother in Florida,

"Mom, how are you?"

"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."

The son said, "Why are you so weak?"

She said, "Because I haven't eaten in eleven days."

The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in eleven days?"

The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

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A bum walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days."

"Force yourself," she replied.

Short summary of every Jewish holiday:

They tried to kill us. We won. Let's eat.

Pat pitched in a few good suggestions including this new one.

·         You cannot run though a campground.  You can only ran, because it’s past tents.

·         The other day I held the door open for a clown.  It was a nice jester.

·         No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.

·         Pasteurize- Too far to see.

·         If you put your grandma on speed dial is that Instagram? 

Whoever invented “knock-knock’ jokes should get a no-bell prize.  I haven’t included any for a long time as most of them are very dated.  Gosh, even the concept of knocking on a door seems quaint these days.  Even so I am going to end my JOWs with three of them.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you going to let me in?

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dozen.
Dozen who?
Dozen anybody want to let me in?

Knock! Knock!

Who’s there?

Control Freak.

Con—

Okay, now you say, “Control Freak who?”