Variegated JOW #804

Okay, it has been a reasonable week.  I didn’t need bail money and I didn’t have to hide a body.  I find it best sometimes to set the bar low.  I hope you enjoy the variegated variety of jokes this week.

Some random thoughts

·         How are you supposed to operate those damn coffee machines before you have coffee?

·         I tied all my old watches together.  It was a waist of time.

·         If a woman is upset, hold her and tell her she is beautiful.  If she starts to growl, retreat to a safe distance and throw chocolate to her.

·         I tried reading one of those woman’s magazines.  No wonder I don’t understand women.  Half the articles were telling women that their bodies were fine the way they were. The other half were how to lose 20 pounds in four weeks.

·         One thing I do know about women: if she starts by saying ‘I think it’s funny that…’ she probably does not think it is amusing.

·         I am following the advice of some friend who, seeing the likely nominees from the two political parties, is forming a third party: the Cocktail Party.

·         Why are there more Northern hot dogs than Southern ones?  Because Southern hot dogs come with condiments.  

·         The Wizard of Oz is the ultimate chick flick.  It is about two women trying to kill each other over a pair of shoes.

·         Psychiatrist to patient: "Don't worry. You're not deluded. You only think you are." If you put ‘root beer’ in a square cup would it then just be ‘beer’?

·         Three physicists were on a row boat.  They wanted to smoke some cigarettes but had no means of making fire.  Finally, one of the physicists had an idea.  He threw one of the cigarettes overboard, thereby making the boat a cigarette lighter.

The last few got me thinking about scientist jokes:

My spouse, Dr. Ruth has been doing some gardening this spring.  She went to a garden shop and asked the shopkeeper "Do you have the inhibitor 3-phosphoshikimate-carboxyvinyl transferase?

Shopkeeper: "You mean Roundup?"

Ruth: "Yeah, that's it. I can never remember that dang name."

What do scientists say when they go to the bar?

Climate change scientists say: "Where's the ice?"

Seismologists might ask for their drinks to be "shaken and not stirred".

Microbiologists request just a small one.

Social scientists say: "I'd like something soft."

When paying at the bar, geneticists say: "I think I have some change in my jeans."

And at the end of the evening a shy benzene biochemist might say to her companion: "Please give me a ring.

A group of wealthy investors wanted to be able to predict the outcome of a horse race. So they hired a group of biologists, a group of statisticians, and a group of physicists. Each group was given a year to research the issue. After one year, the groups all reported to the investors.

The biologists said that they could genetically engineer an unbeatable racehorse, but it would take 90 years and cost $100 million.

The statisticians reported next. They said that they could predict the outcome of any race, at a cost of $100,000 per race, but they would only be right 10% of the time.

Finally, the physicists reported that they could also predict the outcome of any race, and that their process was cheap and simple. The investors listened eagerly to this proposal.

The head physicist reported, "We have made several simplifying assumptions: first, let each horse be a perfect rolling sphere…

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Pat tells the story of the cowboy who walks in the saloon and takes off his hat revealing a paper towel on his head.

The saloon goes quiet.  Then the bartender slides over to the cowboy and says.

“Say, Dusty, did you know you have a Bounty on your head?”

You know, it was a good thing that Pat was a lawyer instead of a plastic surgeon.  He would have probably put a squeaky toy in every breast implant as a fun surprise. 

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The mother of a teenager called their physician

“Johnny must be sick.  He hasn’t ridden his motorcycle in three days.”

“Does he have a temperature?” asked the doctor.

“No, he has a Kawasaki.”

++++++++++++++

An old man walks into a house of ill repute and tells the Madam that he would like a woman for the night.

The Madam gives him a puzzled look and asks, “Just how old are you, mister?”

“I’m 90 years old today.”

“98!” The Madam exclaims, “Don’t you realize you’ve had it?”

“Oh,” the old gent says, “then how much do I owe you?”

**************

Or as Dick reported, a recent study of men over 85 revealed that 25% of them had sex in the last year. Unfortunately 75% of them could not remember with whom.

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Okay, I admit that at heart I am a nerd.  And I am fond of the Star Wars franchise.  And though I found the latest movie a bit disappointing I did find the new Darth Vader-style villain, Kylo Ren, somewhat amusing.  He is sort of a bad guy the millennials can relate to – overprotected, conflicted, and something of a lightweight compared to the guys in the first cycle of the movies.  I mean Harrison Ford is a pretty serious hard ass.  Can you imagine the conversations between Hans Sol and his son Ben, who styles himself as Kylo Ren - Bad Guy.

Their conversations might go something like -

 “Dad, how would you like to make the investment of a lifetime?”

“Ben, I am not funding your boy band.”

“The Knights of Ren are not a boy band; we’re going to raze the planet.  And once we rule the earth we will bathe in the blood of our enemies.”

“No.”

“Well, then could I borrow $20?”

Father and son out to get something to eat together -

“What would you like to drink, Ben.”

“Dad, how many times do I have to tell you, it’s Kylo Ren?  And I don’t want a drink, I want to bring dark order to the galaxy!”

Hans just stares at him.

“Okay, I’ll have a coke.”

And just why did Kylo Ren cross the road?  To get to the Dark Side