Chain of thought JOW #818

There have been some fairly silly goings on about bathrooms and genders.  This prompted a relative (by marriage) to wonder if there would be some sort of inspection program to monitor which genders are going into which bathroom.  The whole thing gets a bit confusing. My friend Woody claims he is a lesbian trapped in a man’s body.   It also was recently revealed that Chuck Norris was once a man inside a woman’s body.  Then he was born.

That one got me thinking about all the Chuck Norris jokes:

Chuck Norris is actually dead.  Death just hasn’t worked up the courage to tell him yet.

There used to be a street called Chuck Norris but they had to change the name.  Nobody would cross Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris has counted to infinity.  Twice.

Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris can cut through a hot knife with butter.

Chuck Norris doesn’t read books.  He stares at them until they give him the information he wants.

If at first you don’t succeed…. You are not Chuck Norris.

Time waits for no man.  Unless that man is Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris can speak fluent braille.

Which got me thinking about communication.

Husbands and wives now can ‘communicate’ via Twitter.  Here are some examples.

Wife – Where are you

Husband – kitchen

W –Can you feed the cat

H – in garage

W – bring in laundry

H – bathroom

W – clean toilet

M – Idaho

W – get potatoes

H – I will feed cat

###########

Wife – It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain.

Husband – Can’t think of a good comeback.  It is not my turn to use the brain.

~~~

Husband – Bought groceries.  Spent half of what you usually spend on groceries.

Wife – Congratulations.

[Two hours later}

Husband – We have nothing to eat in this house.

Which made me think of all those other husband and wives observations:

Marriage is a lot like coffee.  First it is really hot.  Then it is just right.  Then it helps you get off your ass and do things.

My wife said I need to grow up.  I was speechless.  It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth.

I came home early from work to surprise my wife at home.  She greeted me with those three very special words:

“Were you fired?”

“The Misses and I have been married so long she can finish my sentences.  She also starts them.  And supplies the middle parts, too.”

I don’t understand how God can only have Ten Commandments for the whole world and my wife needs 152 just for our house.  Before I got married I didn’t even know there was a wrong way to put milk back in the fridge.  She asked me what I wanted for dinner and then told me I was wrong.

Accountant: “You’re basically broke”

Wife: “He keeps spending money on stupid stuff.”

Husband: “Let’s ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid.”

Marriage councilor – So what’t the problem?

Wife – He is never polite to me anymore.

Husband – I opened the car door for you the other day.

Wife – And you were driving 45 at the time.  And he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me.

Husband – I don’t do it on porpoise.

Wife – And if he does one more Star Wars pun I am leaving him.

Husband – Divorce is strong in this one.

+++++++++++++++++++++

Which reminded me of the new husband who, visiting the museum broke a classic antique Ming vase.

“Don’t worry about it, honey,” the man assured his stunned wife, “says here it is priceless.”

A couple of random thoughts

Remember in Chicago a person is shot every 45 minutes.  Which makes me wonder – how is that person still alive?

Do spiders in Europe have 2.4384 meters instead of feet?

And finally from Keith

Three nurses went to heaven and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates.
The first nurse said, "I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, even though occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven." St. Peter looked at her file and admitted her to heaven.
The second nurse said, "I worked in an operating room. It was a very high-stress environment, and we did our best. Sometimes the patients were too sick and we would lose them, but overall we tried very hard." St. Peter looked at her file and admitted her to heaven.
The third nurse said, "I was a case manager for an HMO."
St. Peter looked at her file. He pulled out a calculator and started punching away at it furiously, constantly going back to the nurse's file. After a few minutes, St. Peter looked up, smiled, and said, "Congratulations! You've been admitted to heaven ... for five days!"