Doldrums JOW #827

The Doldrums are a place of light winds in the central Atlantic Ocean.  The expression has come to mean a state of inactivity or stagnation.  A massive high pressure dome is sitting over Texas making August even hotter than usual leading to my own personal doldrums.  With highs in triple digits and lows in the 80’s it is challenging to go outside of the air conditioning this time of year.  Thus there is a tendency to not do anything; sort of a mirror image of winter up north.

But I have summoned the energy to generate a few Jokes this Week.  Enjoy.

Tor sends a message from Lobbyist Steve: 

“How to get rich in four easy steps:”

1.      Take corporate cash and buy a seat in Congress

2.      Write a few laws that benefit your corporate buddies

3.      Leave Congress for a seat on a corporate board

4.      Find that you have a 1500% pay raise.

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While Donald Trump is running his campaign we have learned that there is definitely an “I” in ruining a campaign.

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Jerry Seinfeld made a comment that people today are too easily offended.  This caused numerous tweets and (I am not making this up) there were people who said they were offended by his comment.

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An investment advisor decide to hire an in house counselor.  She began to interview young lawyers.

“I am sure you understand that in a business like this, personal integrity is crucial.”  Then she leaned forward as asked, “Mr. Week, are you an honest lawyer?”

“Honest?” he replied, “l am so honest that my father loaned me $100,000 for my education.  And I paid back every penny as soon as I completed my very first case.”

“Impressive.  And what sort of a case was it?”

“Dad sued me for the money.”

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A woman got home after a long hard day and eased into a nice hot bath to relax.  But just as soon as she was getting comfortable there was a persistent knocking at her door.  Grumbling she dried off, put on a robe and went to the door.

“Oh, sorry,” the man at door said, “I think I am at the wrong house.”

“Are you serious?” yelled the woman.

“Hey, relax lady.  You need to take a hot bath or something.”

With school on the horizon teachers can look forward to some ‘interesting’ excuse notes from home.  Here are a few samples:

·         My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take P.E. today.  Please execute him.

·         Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

·         Please excuse John for being absent on Jan. 28.29.30. 31. 32, and 33.

·         Please excuse Gloria from Jim today.  She is administrating.

·         Carlos was absent yesterday because he was planning football and got hurt in the growing area.

·         Please excuse Burma from school.  She has been sick and under the doctor.

·         Please excuse Jimmy from being.  It was his father’s fault.

·         My daughter missed school yesterday because she was tired.  She spent a weekend with the Marines.

·         Sally won’t be at school this Friday.  We have to attend her funeral.

·         Please excuse Mary from being absent yesterday.  She was in bed with gramps.

·         Please excuse Jimmy from missing school.  His father was gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

Gary sent me some Signs of the Times

At a cemetery:
"Think outside the box-- Cremation!
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In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
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On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
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On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
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On a Church's Bill board:
"Seven days without God makes one weak."
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At a Tire Shop:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
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 At a Towing Company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
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In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
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On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
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At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
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On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
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On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
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At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
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Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
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In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
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In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."
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In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
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At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."
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Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"
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Punctuation is powerful:
A woman, without her man, is nothing.
A woman: without her, man is nothing.

And finally

A young couple’s car conked out just as they arrived at the shopping center.  The husband told his wife to go shopping and hopefully he could fix the car by the time she finished.

When she returned from shopping she saw a small group of spectators watching the work on her car.  She then noticed a pair of legs poking out from under the car.  Her husband was wearing shorts and she was horrified to see that he had ‘gone commando’ and his private parts were providing a public display.

Deeply embarrassed, she quickly knelt down and tucked everything back into place.  Standing up she noticed for the first time her husband standing off to the side chatting with another man.

The mechanic under the car had to have seven stitches in his forehead.