Another Dog Days JOW #828

I like to put out a Dog Day JOW this time every year.  It is because the ides of August are called he dog days of summer, so named not because of canines but because it is when the so-called Dog Star is at its closest and brightest.  Its real name is not the Dog Star it is Sirius –‘siriusly’.  But I like dog jokes so here are a few. 

First some quotes about dogs:

“They say the dog is man's best friend.  I don't believe that.  How many of your friends have you neutered?”   – Larry Reeb

“Life is like a dogsled team.  If you ain’t the lead dog, the scenery never changes. ” – Lewis Grizzard

“I just found out why dogs drink out of the toilet.  My mother said it's because the water is a lot colder in there.  I'm like, How does my mother know that?”  - Wendy Liebman

Kid jokes about dogs:

·         Q: Why did the dog cross the road?
A: To catch the chicken.

·         Q. What happens when it rains cats and dogs?

A.      You can step in a poodle.

·         Diplomacy is the art of saying "good doggie" while looking for a bigger stick.

·         My puppy isn't fat, he's just a little husky.

·         Q: What happens when you cross a dog and a cheetah?
A: You get a dog who chases cars– and actually catches them.

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A dog thinks, “Wow, the humans are bringing me food every day, they have me live in a nice house away from the cold, they take care of me… They must be gods…”
The cat thinks, “Wow, the humans are bringing me food every day, they have me live in a nice house away from the cold, they take care of me… I must be God!”

Top Ten Reasons Why Dogs Are Better Pets Than Cats

1. Dogs will tilt their heads and try to understand every word you say. Cats will ignore you and take a nap.

2. Cats look silly on a leash.

3. When you come home from work, your dog will be happy and lick your face. Cats will still be mad at you for leaving in the first place.

4. Dogs will give you unconditional love until the day they die. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day they were born.

5. A dog knows when you're sad. And he'll try to comfort you. Cats don't care how you feel, as long as you remember to feed them.

6. Dogs will bring you your slippers. Cats will crap in your slippers.

7. When you take them for a ride, dogs will sit on the seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private basket, or they won't go at all.

8. Dogs will come when you call them. And they'll be happy. Cats will have someone take a message and get back to you.

9. Dogs will play fetch with you all day long. The only thing cats will play with all day long are small rodents or bugs, preferably ones that look like they're in pain.

10. Dogs will wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door.

<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Two men are talking about animals. One says to the other, ‘I know of a dog worth $10,000.’ ‘Really?’ replies the other. ‘Who would have thought a dog could save that much money.’

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A dog sits in a bar, sipping a bourbon.
 A customer walks up to him and says, “It’s not often that I see a dog drinking bourbon here!”
The dog sniffs, “Yeah, hardly a surprise at these prices.”

This ambiguous ad appeared in the local papers.
Will sell dog.  Easy-going.  Eats anything.  Loves children.

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A man walks into a biker bar one day and asks, "Does anyone here own that Rottweiler outside?"

"Yeah, I do!" a huge biker says, standing up. "What about it?"

"Well, I think my Chihuahua just killed him..."

"What are you talkin' about?!" the biker says, disbelievingly. "How could your little runt kill my Rottweiler?"

"Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog's throat!"

Dog dictionary
a.
 Toilet bowl: A heavenly dispenser of nice, fresh water.
b.
 Hearing: A variable skill.  Its intensity depends on whether it applies to a fridge door opening half a mile away behind three closed doors, or whether your own name is being shouted in an angry way or in a way that threatens Vet (see Vet).
c.
 Garbage bin/bag: Source of food.
 Spread contents over as wide an area as possible.
d.
 Drooling: When humans are eating, drooling can be a very effective food-producing skill.
 For best results, drool must be gotten onto the humans’ trousers/skirt. Use also for fun – when driving in a car with humans, place head between two humans in the front seat.  Drool gently and in great volume on their arms/shoulders.  Rejoice at effects.
e.
 Resting place: Anything, really.  White, freshly vacuumed surfaces with good capacity for getting hair stuck to it are best.
 f.
 Sofa: See resting place.  Also serves as napkin after particularly satisfying meals (see Roadkill).
g.
 Vet: Satan, the Destroyer of Worlds, Bringer of Woe, Remover of Testicles.
h.

 Leash: A device allowing you to lead your human to a place you desire.  Excellent for muscle-building exercise.
i.
 Bicycle: Very good cardio equipment.  If you find the exercise/the rider too slow for you, you can increase its speed by running even closer to the vehicle and barking.  It will pick up its pace very satisfyingly.
j.
 Fireworks: A sure sign that the world as we know it is coming to an end and the reign of Vets (see Vet) is beginning.
k.
 Sniffing: A polite way of showing interest in the creature you are meeting.  With dogs, rectal area is best.  When meeting humans, sniff the crotch.
l.
 Roadkill: One of the most versatile items you can find.  Can be used as food, cologne or a toy.

And two non-dogs ones from Woody to finish:

People say circumcision does NOT hurt.  I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn’t walk for nearly a year!

 ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

A woman was standing at the bar one night minding her own business.

This obnoxious guy came up behind her and said, “You’re kind’a cute. You gotta phone number?”

She said, “Yeah, you gotta pen?”

He said, “Yeah, I got a pen”.

She said, “You better get back in it before the farmer misses you.”