Yet Another JOW #826

I will acknowledge that I loathe both candidates for President.  I intend to put a campaign bumper sticker on my car that says: "We are doomed - 2106"  I do not hate the candidates specifically for their policies but for their personalities.  I try to keep my abuse balanced but it is hard. Homer J. Trump keeps opening his mouth/Twitter to say or tweet stupid, outrageous things.  On the other hand, Hillary plays it close to the vest, and besides, she is kinda scary.  Still, there are a few bits on her, too.  Here are some recent jokes on the two ‘people’ who are running for Chief Executive:

Donald Trump really believes he is telling the truth.  He believes that whatever comes out of his mouth is true even it if directly contradicts something he said the day before.  And Hillary Clinton is an honest politician; she stays bought.

The Democrats have nominated Hillary Clinton to be the first f Presidential candidate of a major party.  I bet you thought I was going to say female, but somebody deleted the ‘emale’. - Jimmy Kimmel.   (Note to Hillary.  It was Jimmy’s joke, not mine…  Blame him.)

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Remember when we thought that ‘any kid can grow up to be President’ was a good thing?  If someone told me that one of my kids would be president someday I would not be sure if it was meant as a complement or an insult.

Donald Trump is what happens with you tell a child that all his ideas are ‘special’.

I’m tempted to vote for Donald Trump just to hear the phrase “Secretary of State Gary Busey.”

The only way to stop Donald Trump it to get rid of all his horcruxes.  I am pretty sure one is his hair piece.

Donald Trump has no political experience.  Meanwhile you need 5 years experience for an entry level management position at Chili’s.

Sure, Trump may be unhinged now but maybe he’ll calm down once he becomes the most powerful person in the world.

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Job applicant – “I’m looking for a job as a consultant.”

Employer – “I’m sorry, we already have enough consultants.”

Job applicant – “Well, with my experience, I can be an advisor.”

Employer – “We have more than we can use already.’

Job applicant – “I’m not proud.  I can be a clerk.  I really need a job.  I’ll do anything.”

Employer – “It just doesn’t seem we have any openings for a person with your qualifications.”

Job applicant, angry now and getting up to leave – “Work for you?  I’d have to be a low life, belly crawling, double dealing jerk.”

Employer – “Oh, you didn’t say you were a lawyer.  Have a seat.  We may have an opening.”

From Keith:

Murphy applied for a fork lift operator post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin.
A Norwegian applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, the two men were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room by the Manager.
When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.
The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we've decided to give the Norwegian the job.
Murphy was hot: "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job.
Manager, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong.
Murphy, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?
Manager "Simple; on question number 7 the Norwegian wrote down,
'I don't know. 
You put down, 'Neither do I’."

Writing about lawyers, I came across this one apparently from a trial.

Lawyer – “Did you see the defendant at the scene?”

Witness – “Yes, from a block away.”

Lawyer – “Was the area well lit?”

Witness – “No, it was pretty dim.”

Lawyer – “Then how could you identify the defendant?”

Witness – “I’d recognize my cousin anywhere.”

Even I know you never ask a witness a question you don’t know the answer to.

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“He died in my arms,” the grieving widow told her friends.  “We knew at his age and with his heart it was a risk to make love but we felt it was worth it.  We has a system that had worked pretty well for a while.  We would make love to the rhythm of the church bells.  It was nice and slow and even and not too strenuous.  He would still be alive, too, if that damn ice cream van hadn’t come by at the wrong time.”

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A man was standing outside the gates of Heaven.  St. Peter approached him and asked, “May I help you?”

“No, thanks,” the man replied.

He continued to stand on the clouds, waiting.

“Are you sure I can’t help you?” asked Saint Peter again.

“No, that’s fine.”

After a few more minutes St. Peter approached the man again.

“You do realize you are dead, right?”

“Oh, I know that,” replied the man, “I’m just waiting for the medics down there to realize that.”

And finally:

A man went into a local bar and sat down next to a woman who was having a lemonade.

“This is a special day for me,” he said to break the ice.

“What a coincidence, this is a special day for me, too,” she clinked glasses with him in a toast.  “So what are you celebrating?”

“I’m a rancher.  None of my six cows were getting pregnant.  I just found out they are all going to have calves.”

“What a coincidence,” the woman said, “my husband and I have been trying to have a child for years.  Today my gynecologist told me I’m pregnant.  So how did your cows suddenly become fertile?”

“I switched bulls,” he replied.

“What a coincidence,” she said.