Hospital JOW #839

I had a brief visit to the hospital recently.  Something about ‘election nausea’ – they say there is a lot of that going around.  They told me to avoid the media for a few days until it is all over but the whining.  I started with a hospital joke and then just sort of drifted along.  I do like the press release that I have at the end.  Of course you will have to read all of my other jokes to get to it….

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A male patient was lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, heavily sedated from a difficult surgical procedure.  A young student nurse appeared to check his vitals.

“Nurse,” he mumbled from behind the mask, ‘are my testicle black?”

Embarrassed the young nurse replied, “I don’t know sir, I am just here to check your BP.”

He struggled up and repeated, “Are my testicles black?”

Concerned he might elevate his vitals from worry she overcame her embarrassment and sheepishly pulled away the covers.  Raising his gown she carefully checked his genitals.  She looked up and assured him, “There is nothing wrong with them, sir.”

The man pulled his off his mask and smiled at her.  “Thank you.  But …. Are My Test Results Back?”

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Ole came back unexpectedly from a trip.  He hears some commotion upstairs.  “Lena?” he called, I am home!” 

Going into the bedroom he sees his wife Lena naked, and panting on the bed.

“Lena, what’s wrong?”

“Oh, Ole, I think I am having a heart attack!”

Ole, races downstairs to the phone and starts to call for an ambulance.  The kids are in the kitchen crying.

“Dad! Uncle Sven’s upstairs! And he’s naked!”

He slams down the phone, sprints back up the stairs, runs past his wife and opens the closet door.

Sure enough, there was Sven, crouching in the closet, naked.

“What the hell, Sven!  Lena’s having a heart attack and you’re running around naked scaring the kids!”

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A math professor was having problems with his sink so he called a plumber.  The plumber came over and quickly made the repairs.  The professor was happy until he got the bill. 

“How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck.”

“You could become a plumber like me and make big money, too.  Hey, we are looking for more plumbers.  Just make sure you tell them you only made it to the eighth grade.  They don’t like to hire educated people.”

So the professor took him up on his offer. Soon is is making three times what he was making as a mathmetician.  Life was good until the company decided that all their plumbers had to have at least a ninth grade education; so everyone is required to go to night school.

On the first night all the plumbers started with math class.  The teacher wanted to gauge the level of the class so he asked, “Who can come up to the board tell me how to get the area of a circle?”

Well, the math professor volunteers to answer.  He starts to write the formula when suddenly he realizes he has forgotten this basic equation!  All he can think to do is derive the formula.  He fills the board with complicated mathematics, lost in his work.  He fills the board with is computations and ends up with an answer: negative pi times the radius square.  That does not seem quite right so without saying a word he erases the board and begins again but ends up with the same incorrect answer.

The class is squiming by this time.   He looks out to his fellow plumbers and they are all whispering to him, “Switch the limits on the integral.”

And that reminded me of this one

NASA decided to send a new space probe up with a crew of two monkeys and an astronaut. 

The boarded the space craft and prepared for launch.  Mission control send an order: “Mission Control to Monkey One, do your stuff.”

The first monkey began typing on his terminal and the rocket took off.

Once they were in orbit NASA sent another message: “Mission Control to Monkey Two, do your stuff.”

The second monkey started typing like mad.  The ship oriented in the correct position and began taking experimental readings.

Two hours later Mission Control sent another message: “This is Mission Control to Astronaut…”

The astronaut interrupted, “I know, I know – feed the monkey and don’t touch anything.”

And finally, here is an election press release from The Pentagon.

— A poll of active duty and recently retired members of the armed services suggests that an overwhelming majority would prefer an armed overthrow of the government rather than see the election of either major party candidate. The poll was conducted by Quinnipiac University in the days following the Democratic convention.

When asked whom they would vote for during the 2016 campaign, 78% of service members picked “other.” Nearly all then chose “military coup” from a list of options that also included Joe Biden, Ted Cruz, Jill Stein and “a massive earthquake that wipes out life in North America.”

When retired Marine Corps Gen. James Mattis was included on the list, he was the most popular write in. However most of those who selected him also called for him to lead the armed rebellion against the United States government.

Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson came in a distant 3rd, but still far ahead of Republican candidate Donald Trump or Democrat Hillary Clinton, or any other option that didn’t involve the possibility of civil war.

Senior leaders from the military services were not surprised by the poll.

“I think it’s just young people having fun with pollster,” said Navy Secretary Ray Mabus, as he repeatedly eyed the two Marine security guards standing near his door.

Army Chief of Staff Gen. Mark Milley was even more dismissive.

“Soldiers are stupid,” he said with a laugh. “They’ll do anything to get attention.”

Only Gen. Joseph Dunford, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, seemed to consider the information seriously when asked for comment.

“It’s disturbing yes,” he said. “But I don’t think it’s as bad as everyone is making it out to be. We’ve all taken the oath to obey lawful orders and uphold the Constitution.”

“Besides, with sequestration and all the troop cuts do you really believe we could take over our own government even if we wanted to?”

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