Olde tyme JOW #838

 I have some jokes from a simpler age – most of them date from a bit more than a hundred years ago.  Circumstances were somewhat different then but people still told jokes.  I hope they will give you a welcome break from the constant stream of vituperation being poured out on the current candidates.

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Alderman Curran, of New York City, worked his way through Yale College. During his course he was kept very busy by the various jobs he did to help with his expenses. On graduation he went to New York, and was even busier than he had been in New Haven.

After some months of life in New York, a friend met him and said, "Henry, what are you doing?"

"I have three jobs," replied Mr. Curran, "I am studying law, I am a newspaper reporter, and I am selling life insurance."

"How do you manage to get it all in a day?" said the friend.

"Oh," replied Mr. Curran, "that's easy enough. They're all only eight-hour jobs."

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Once upon a time an agent called at a business office, and saw nobody but a capable-appearing young woman.

"Where's the boss?" he asked abruptly.

"What is your business?" she asked politely.

"None of yours!" he snapped. "I got a proposition to lay before this firm, and I want to talk to somebody about it."

"And you would rather talk to a gentleman?"

"Yes."

"Well," answered the lady, smiling sweetly, “and so would I. But it seems that it's impossible for either one of us to have our wish, so we'll have to make the best of it. State your business, please!"

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The father of a charming girl was well known in this town as "a very tight old gentleman." When dad recently received a young man, who for some time had been "paying court" to his daughter, it was the old gentleman who made the first observation:

"Huh! So you want to marry my daughter, eh?"

"Yes, sir; very much, indeed."

"Um--let me see. Can you support her in the style to which she has been accustomed?"

"I could, sir," said the young man, "but I am not mean enough to do it."

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Once, long ago a woman took her 7 year old son on the trolley.   “When the conductor comes tell him you are 6,” she instructed him.

“Why?”

“Then he will let you to ride the bus for free.”

Johnny nodded and left to find the seat.

Few moments later the conductor comes and asks: “How old are you?”

Johnny responds: “6.”

“When will you be 7?”

Johnny quickly exclaims: “As soon as I get off this bus!”

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"You say that you want some name engraved on this ring," said the jeweler to the bashful young man.

"Yes; I want the words, 'George, to his dearest Alice' engraved on the inside of the ring."

"Is the young lady your sister?"

"No; she is the young lady to whom I am engaged."

"Well, if I were you I would not have 'George, to his dearest Alice' engraved on the ring. If Alice changes her mind you can't use the ring again."

"What would you suggest?"

"I would suggest the words, 'George, to his first and only love,' You see, with that inscription you can use the ring as often as needed. I have had experience in such matters myself."

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A police officer asks a thief: “Why did you steal this stranger’s watch?”

The thief replies: “I didn’t steal it — he gave it to me!”

The policeman asks: “When did he give it to you?”

The thief tells him: “When I showed him the gun.”

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And American, an Englishman, and an Indian were in the hospital in Calcutta waiting for their wives to give birth.  Sudden the lights go out.  There is confusion for a while but eventually a doctor comes out to give them the news.  “I am terribly sorry but in the dark the babies got mixed up and we don’t know which baby is which.”  (- note: since this is a joke they do not immediately contact their lawyers…)  Instead they consult with each other and see if they could feel a special connection with one of the babies.

The Englishman went in first.  Five minutes later he came out with what, for various reasons, was clearly the Indian man’s son.

The Indian immediately pointed this out. The Englishman replied, “I know, but one of the others is American and I am just not going to take that chance.”

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"May I ask the cause of all this excitement?" asked the stranger in the little village.

"Certainly," replied the countryman. "We're celebrating the birthday of the oldest inhabitant sir. She's a hundred and one to-day."

"Indeed! And may I ask who is that little man, with the dreadfully sad countenance, walking by the old lady's side?"

"Oh, that's the old lady's son-in-law, sir. He's been keeping up the payments on her life-insurance for the last thirty years!"

Finally, a blonde joke:

Two blonde sisters promised their uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea.  When in due course he passed away the two blondes kept their promise.

They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all properly stitched up in a burial bag loaded onto their little rowboat.

After a while Bubbles says, “Do you think we are out far enough, Barbie?”

Barbie slipped over the side but the water was only waist deep.  “Not yet, Bubbles.”

So they row a little farther out and once again Bubbles asks, “Do you think we are out far enough?”

Once again she slips over the side but the water is only up to her neck.   “No, this will never do.  We need to go out farther.”

Finally they stop and over the side goes Barbie.  She disappears under the water and is down for long time.  Poor Bubbles is was quite worried until Barbie’s head popped up.  Gasping for breath she tells her sister, “This is deep enough.  Now hand me that shovel.”