Good Old Days JOW #848

There are some aspects of modern life that I really have come to appreciate.  Lately we have been having ‘Portland Weather’; that is cool and drizzly.  But this is Texas, so yesterday morning we got to watch the progress of a small tornado cell pass through the area.  As tornados go it was not much, but it was very interesting to watch the radar with cuts to the traffic cameras tracking the tight little system as it passed a couple of miles from us, hovering a few thousand feet above the ground.  We sat, drinking coffee and, like proper retirees, watched the weather. 

I was talking to a friend at the gym the other day and we agreed that these ‘are the good old days’, except the ‘old’ refers to us, not the days.  There are a lot of advantages of being older.  Bill sent me this little bit of wisdom on this topic which seemed appropriate:

·         We just discovered our age group - Seenager (Senior teenager).

·         The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant. Hell, they aren’t scared of anything anymore. They have been blessed to live this long, why be scared?

·         I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 50 years later.

·         I don't have to go to school or work

·         I get an allowance every month.

·         I have my own pad.

·         I don't have a curfew.

·         I have a driver's license and my own car.

·         I have ID that gets me into bars and liquor stores.

·         And I don't have acne.

Life is Good!

Some random thoughts:

·         The simplest solutions are often the cleverest.  They are also usually wrong.

·         You are a unique individual – just like everybody else.  But just because you are unique doesn’t mean you are useful.

·         You go to school.  Study hard.  Get your degree.  And earn less than a cocktail waitress.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

A professor was giving a big test one day.  He handed out the tests and went back to his desk to wait.  Once the test was over the students handed their tests in.  The professor noted that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note: “A dollar a point.”

The next class the professor handed back the graded tests.  The student got his test back and $46 in change.

I love contributions from JOW sufferers.  Dudley provided some great Dad Jokes.  I intend to try them out on my kids next time I see them

·         What do you call it when the tips of your feet go to sleep and you can't wake them up? Coma toes.

·         What's the name of a bad Asian comic? Bad Thai Ming.

·         Here's a lawyer joke: I broke a mirror the other day and it's supposed to be seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

From Dick:

·         How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?  Two, one to change it and another to change it back.

·         How many cars does it take to fill a mall with shoppers?  A whole lot.

Woody sent me this one:

A politician was seated next to a young girl on an airplane so he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk?  Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the politician as he smiled smugly, "How about global warming; universal health care; or stimulus packages?"

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first.  A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat plants.  Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps.  Why do you suppose that is?"

The legislator, visibly surprised by the girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."  

To that the little girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy, when you don't know sh1t?" 

And then she went back to reading her book.

Here are some great reruns Woody    also sent from the golden age of Jewish comics.  Some of the references are charmingly dated.

A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?"
The man says, "I make a good living."
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I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
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I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me!
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My wife and I always hold hands when we go out. If I let go, she shops.
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My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife calls it the Dead Sea .
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My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night. This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried.
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My wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
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The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
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Doctor: "You'll live to be 66!" Patient: "I AM 66!"

Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"
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Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears.”

Doctor: "Don't answer!"
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A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking.
The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."
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A man called his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son said, "Why are you so weak?"
She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 28 days."
The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 28 days?"
The mother answered, "Because, I didn't want my mouth to be full in case you should call."