Pat sent me some old East German jokes from
his days as an Intelligence Officer back during the Cold War. That got me thinking about jokes from the
Cold War era when Communism was a genuine threat and Socialism was in full play
in Eastern Europe.
Here are Pat’s jokes from that time:
From
a street sweeper – You are American and a capitalist. Let me tell you
about capitalism. There is a tribe in Africa who stands hip deep in a
crocodile infested water in order to fish. They barter the fish they
catch to a tribe across the river who makes artificial legs. That is
capitalism.
From
a counterpart on the East German side – Capitalism and Socialism are not so
different. You have labor unions, no? If you are five minutes early
you are a saboteur. If you are five minutes late you betray socialism or
your union. If you are on time, “Where did you steal that watch.”
Also
from a counterpart – “Capitalism is the exploitation of man by man.
Socialism is exactly the reverse.” I
asked if he got his jokes from “Reader’s Digest” and he was offended.
“No, no,” he said “from people. That one about capitalism and socialism?
We arrested a fellow for that this morning.”
Some
other Cold War jokes:
·
What
is Communism? The Polish say it's the longest and most painful of the roads to
capitalism.
Q: Why is communism superior to capitalism?
A: Because it heroically overcomes problems that do
not exist in any other system.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Under communism, every man has what he needs.
That's why the butcher puts a sign up that says "nobody needs meat
today."
+++++++++++
An artist is commissioned to create a painting celebrating Soviet-Polish friendship, to be called "Lenin in Poland." When the painting is unveiled at the Kremlin, there is a gasp from the invited guests. The painting depicts Lenin's wife in bed with Leon Trotsky.
An artist is commissioned to create a painting celebrating Soviet-Polish friendship, to be called "Lenin in Poland." When the painting is unveiled at the Kremlin, there is a gasp from the invited guests. The painting depicts Lenin's wife in bed with Leon Trotsky.
"But
this is a travesty! Where is Lenin?" Asks one of the guests.
"Lenin
is in Poland," replies the painter.
^^^^^^^^^^
Back in the 50’s an American was visiting the Soviet Union. He was taking a train from Leningrad to Kiev and listening to his small transistor radio when a Soviet man leans over to talk to him.
Back in the 50’s an American was visiting the Soviet Union. He was taking a train from Leningrad to Kiev and listening to his small transistor radio when a Soviet man leans over to talk to him.
“You know, we make those better and more efficiently
here in the Soviet Union,” he says.
“Oh?” Says the American.
“Yes,” the Soviet man responds. “What is it?”
___________________________
Once
upon a time, two brothers, Andy and Bill, lived in America. They were members of the communist party and
decided to emigrate to the USSR. Even though they didn't believe the American
media's negative reports on the conditions in the USSR, they decided to
exercise caution. Andy would go to Russia to test the waters. If they were
right and it was a communist paradise, than Andy would write a letter to Bill
using black ink. If, though, the situation in the USSR was as bad as the
American media liked to portray, and the KGB was a force to be feared, Andy would
use red ink to indicate whatever he says in the letter must not be believed.
In
three months Andy sent his first report. It was in black ink and read,
"I'm so happy here! It's a beautiful country, I enjoy complete freedom,
and a high standard of living. All the capitalist press wrote was lies.
Everything is readily available! There is only one small thing in short supply:
red ink."
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
A
Briton, a Frenchman, and a Russian are standing and staring at a portrait of
Adam and Eve.
"Look
at their calm, their reserve" says the Briton. "Surely they must be
British!"
"Nonsense!"
Replies the Frenchman. "They are beautiful. Surely they must be
French!"
The
Russian finally speaks, "they have no clothes, no shelter, only an apple
to eat, and are being told this is paradise. They are Russian."
====================
Bedbugs appeared in the house occupied by the
secretary of the region Party committee. The Party boss summoned an expert on
insects and asked him how to get rid of bedbugs. The expert said,
"The best way is to organize them into a
collective farm,” he tells the Party boss. “Half of them will flee and the rest
will starve to death."
**************
A
farm worker greets Josef Stalin at his potato farm.
“Comrade
Stalin, we have so many potatoes that, piled one on top of the other, they
would reach all the way to God,” the farmer excitedly tells his leader.
“But
God does not exist,” replies Stalin.
“Exactly,”
says the farmer. “Neither do the potatoes.”
```````````````````````````````````
After
years of saving up, a Soviet man finally has enough to buy a car. He goes to
the appropriate ministry and informs them that he would like to purchase a
vehicle.
“There
are currently shortages, it will be three years before your car is available,”
the minister informs the man. “We will have it sent to your house when it’s
ready.”
"Three
years," he responds. "What month?"
"August,"
says the minister.
"August?
What day in August?" Asks the man.
"The
second of August," says the minister.
"Morning
or Afternoon?" Asks the man.
"Why
do you need to know?" Asks the minister, getting exasperated.
"The
plumber is coming that morning," the man responds.
I saw these two just after the New
Year:
Citing recent experience the Democrat National
Committee is taking over control of next year’s New Year’s Eve festivities in
Times Square. Seems that in recent
months, they’ve exhibited success at dropping the ball.
With the promise of driverless cars, New
Year’s Eve driving is going from Sober to Uber to Cyber.
--------------
If new Secretary of Defense Jim ‘Mad Dog’
Mattis ran for President in the next election his campaign bumper sticker could
be: “Mad Dog 2020”
This is what passes for political
debate these days
Right – Say goodbye to your “Muslim
president.”
Left – And hello to your “Russian president.”
Right – Who is an ISIS sympathizer…
Left – who is a Putin puppet…
Right – Kenyan-Socialist-Elitist!
Left – Con man-1 percenter – egotist!
Both together – And because of him the nation
is divided.
<<<<<<<<<<<
Hillary – You said I would win this election
Satan – You said you had a soul.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Recent leaks from the intelligence community
indicate that Donald Trump was actually born in Kenya.
Which reminds of an old (1993) line
from the Simpsons. Homer was on trial
for his soul and Satan got to pick the jury. Richard Nixon was included.
Nixon –“Hey, I’m not even dead yet.”
Satan – “Shut up, you knew the deal.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Which then reminds me of the one about the
lawyer who, approaching his Mercedes in the parking garage one night is
accosted by Satan.
“I have a deal for you,” the Evil One said, “I
can give you wealth, power, and you will win all your cases.”
“And in exchange all you want is my soul,
right?” replied the lawyer who was up on his Goethe
“No, I have that already,” said Satan
dismissively, “I want the souls of you parents, your wife, and your children!”
“Sure,” replied the lawyer cautiously. “but what’s the catch?”
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