Men v Women JOW #847

It has been a while since I visited the rich field of humor called the Battle of the Sexes.  I saw this competition in the Post and that got me started.  Here are some compilations of competitions, quotes, one-liners, and tweets on the eternal battle.

These are entries to a Washington Post competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line, but the least romantic second line:

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace.
If only you could hide your face.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot.
This describes everything you are not.

I want to feel your sweet embrace,
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes.
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "Oh! Go To Hell."

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

The Before and After of  relationships:

BEFORE - You take my breath away
AFTER - I feel like I'm suffocating

BEFORE - She says she loves the way I take control of a situation
AFTER - She called me a controlling, manipulative egomaniac

BEFORE - Saturday Night Fever
AFTER - Monday Night Football

BEFORE - Is that all you're having?
AFTER - Maybe you should have just a salad, honey.

BEFORE - $60/doz.
AFTER - $1.50/stem

BEFORE - We agree on everything
AFTER - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?

BEFORE - Victoria's Secret
AFTER - Fruit-of-the-Loom

BEFORE - Charming and Noble
AFTER - Chernobyl

BEFORE - Croissant and cappuccino
AFTER - Bagel and instant coffee

BEFORE - You look so seductive in black
AFTER - Your clothes are so depressing

BEFORE - Oysters
AFTER - Fishsticks

BEFORE - I can hardly believe we found each other
AFTER - I can't believe I ended up with someone like you.

BEFORE - Once upon a time
AFTER - The end.

Some ‘Battle’ Quotes:

“Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There is too much fraternizing with the enemy.”
― Henry Kissinger

“The war between the sexes is the only one in which both sides regularly sleep with the enemy.”
― Quentin Crisp,

“Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.”
― Albert Einstein

“Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent.”
― Friedrich Nietzsche

“Me Tarz-tosterone; You Estro-Jane”
― Tony Cleaver,

He said, she said:

She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.

He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said...Well, you succeeded.

He said... "Shall we try a different position tonight?"
She said..."That's a good idea. You stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart. "

He said... "What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?"
She said... "Turn sideways and look in the mirror."

He said... "Let's go out and have some fun tonight."
She said..."Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on."

On wall in ladies room:  "My husband follows me everywhere."
Written just below it:  "I do not."

And in a bow to modern life, here are some modern tweets

·         You take the good, you take the bad, you took the leftovers, now I’m mad.

·         Before I got married I didn’t realize “What do you want to watch?” was a rhetorical question.

·         How to fold laundry like I do:

1.      Fold in half

2.      Fold in quarters

3.      Put in the pile

4.      Watch as my wife angrily refolds it.

·         Most of the time being married is spent saying “I never heard you say that.”

·         “I wish there was more trust in my marriage like where I could buy produce without my wife inspecting in like she is appraising a diamond.”

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor at Southern Methodist University, English 44A, SMU, Creative Writing.

It is one of my favorite writing bits of humor:

In-class Assignment for Wednesday: 
"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached." 

"The following was actually turned in by two English students: Rebecca - last name deleted, and Gary - last name deleted." 

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STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
 -----------------------------------------------------------
(second paragraph by Gary)

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago.
"A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
 ---------------------------------------------------------- 

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4.
"Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her.
"Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
 --------------------------------------------------------- 

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet.
With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans.
The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"
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This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
---------------------------------------------------------- 

Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.
 ---------------------------------------------------------- 

Asshole!
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Bitch!