Driving JOW #855

Spring is here!  I am so excited I wet my plants.  Unfortunately I have to make a long road trip from one of those sad ceremonies that become more common with age – funerals.  Of course, I have a wedding to go to next week so things sort of balance out.  At any rate here are some driving-related jokes for the week.

The Pope goes to New York, and gets picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, "You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?"

The driver is understandably hesitant and says, "I'm sorry, but I don’t think I'm supposed to do that."

But the Pope persists, "Please?"

The driver finally lets up, "Oh, alright, I can't really say no to the Pope."

So the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! A policeman notices his high speed and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the Pope to put the window down. Recognizing the Pontiff the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.

Cop: Chief, I have a problem.

Chief: What sort of problem?

Cop: Well, you see, I pulled over this limo over for driving too fast, but it's someone really important.

Chief: Important like the mayor?

Cop: No, no, much more important than that.

Chief: Important like the governor?

Cop: Way more important than that.

Chief: Like the president?

Cop: Much more important.

Chief: "Who's more important than the president?"

Cop: "I don't know but he has the Pope DRIVING for him!"

And that reminds me of this one:

A cop pulls over a carload of nuns.

Cop: “Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway — why are you going so slow?”

Sister: “Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65.”

Cop: “Oh sister, that’s not the speed limit, that’s the name of the highway you’re on!

Sister: “Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I’ll be more careful.”

At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling.

Cop: “Excuse me, Sister, what’s wrong with your friends back there? They’re shaking something terrible.”

Sister: “Oh, we just got off of highway 95.”

Which led to another related joke:

A middle aged woman was driving through a school zone when a policeman pulled her over for speeding. As he was giving her the ticket, she said, "How come I always get a ticket and everyone else gets a warning? Is it my face?"

"No, ma'am," explained the officer, "it's your foot."

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A Texas rancher was visiting a farmer in Israel. The proud Israeli showed him around. "Here is where I grow tomatoes, cucumbers, and squash. Over there I built a play set for my kids, next to the doghouse," the farmer said.

The land was tiny, and the Texan was surprised by its small size. "Is this all your land?" he asked.

"Yes," the Israeli said proudly. "This is all mine!"

"You mean this is it? This is all of it?" the Texan said incredulously.

"Yes, yes, this is really all mine!"

"Well, son," said the Texan, "back home I'd get in my car before the sun'd come up and I'd drive and drive and drive, and when the sun set, why, I'd only be halfway across my land!"

"Oh, yes," replied the Israeli farmer wistfully, "I used to have a car like that."

A few quick puns:

·         The bride got a new name and a dress.

·         If you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen the mall.

·         If a clock gets hungry does it go back four seconds?

·         Does a dyslectic poet write inverse?

·         So many spices, so little thyme

·         I wasn’t able to make reservations at the library.  They are completely booked.

Two semi-political jokes:

The Trump administration has plans to outlaw pre-shredded cheese.  They want Americans to shred their own cheese like we used to.  The moto of this program is “Make America Grate again.”

………………….

Rosie O’Donnell: “I refuse to wear Ivanka Trump’s clothes”

Ivanka Trump: “Thank you, thank you, thank you.”

Finally a few from Bill in honor of International Woman’s day:

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world...'

The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...... '.

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'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower. 'Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'

'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.

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Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor

·         How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?

·         Money Isn't Everything... But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch

·         If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!

·         Grow your own dope, plant a man

·         All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets

·         I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

·         I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?

·         Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

·         Reality is a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs

·         Don't drink and drive...You might hit a bump and spill it

·         We are born naked, wet, and hungry....Then things get worse.

And a final anti-male joke.

While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world......then He made the earth round.