Donated JOW #861

Ruth is settling into her new physician assistant job here on the res; this is easier now that we have this recreational trailer to live in.  It has been hard to keep up with all the changes we are going through.  Fortuately for me I got a bunch of donated stories and jokes.  I had some really good replies from my semi-religious jokes last week that I want to start out with them.

From Pat

A Houston minister headed home for dinner when passed by a drunk driver going 70 miles an hour.  The minister was enraged and decided to make a citizen’s arrest, so stepped on the gas and chased after him.  The poor minister, probably never have driven faster than the double nickel in his entire life, can’t make a tight turn and goes down the concrete embankment into the water of a large drainage canal.  The drunk, noticing the accident in his rear view mirror, stops, backs up until on the roadway above the minister’s car, and calls down, “Are you all right, friend?” By then the exasperated minister shouts back, “Of course I’m okay, GOD RIDES WITH ME!”

Unperturbed, the drunk shouts back “Better let him ride with me, then, because you’re going to kill him.”

And this medially-related one for Ruth:

 “Dogs can’t operate MRI machines, but catscan.”

Bill provided this touching story

In Ireland -  the 99-year-old Mother Superior lay quietly. She was dying.

The Nuns had gathered around her bed, laying garlands around her and

trying to make her last journey comfortable. They wanted to give her warm

milk to drink but she declined. One of the nuns took the glass back to the

kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received

as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous

amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, they lifted her head gently and held the glass

to her lips. The very frail Nun drank a little, then a little more and before they

knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.

As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to 

have one last talk with their spiritual leader.

"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom

before you leave us"

She raised herself up very slowly in the bed on one elbow, looked at them

and said: "DON'T SELL THAT COW."

And these unrelated test questions.

What looks like half an apple?
*The other half

If you throw a red stone into the blue sea, what will it become?
*Wet

How can a man go eight days without sleeping?
*No problem, he sleeps at night.

How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
*You will never find an elephant that has one hand. 

If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have?
*Very large hands

If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
*No time at all, the wall is already built.

How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

From Richard

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.  How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand?'  Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. 

Here is an astute answer: 

1)    When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.  

2)  When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED.

3)    And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!!! 

And finally, this is from Scott – a pun that left me deeply envious.

A poor Indian tribe was holding a massive homecoming event for one of their young men, Charlie.  He had recently graduated from Cal Tech with a degree in Electrical Engineering.  The tribe had made sacrifices to help pay for his education.

Charlie: Chief, I am humbled by the sacrifices my people have made to help me obtain a degree from Cal Tech.  What can I do to repay?

 Chief: Charlie, you have brought great honor to your tribe by graduating from college and by allowing us to help.  There is no need to repay us.

 Charlie: Chief, I am humbled by the honor the tribe has given me but I feel obligated to do something for them.  Can I build anything for them?

 Chief: Well Charlie, there is one thing.

 Charlie: Please tell what it is! I will do anything to show my thanks and respect for my elders and tribe.

 Chief:  Here on the reservation our life is simple and primitive.  At night, it is very dark because we do not have street lights and it is difficult to find the outhouse when it is that dark.  Could you make a lighted path to the outhouse?

 Charlie: Chief, it would be my honor.

 This made Charlie the first Indian to wire a head for a reservation.