Holy JOW! #860

It is Easter Week and so I tried to put in a few somewhat religious jokes and semi-inspirational sayings along with some bits on modern parenting I picked up of postings and tweets. I hope you enjoy them.

A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Tommy was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.

On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Tommy was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."

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A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?"

The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"

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When young Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after she finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls."

This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. Her mother’s curiosity got the best of me and so she asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?"

Her response: "Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!"

That leads me to parenting these days.  Here are some posts by moms on kids.

I asked to switch seats on the plane because I was sitting next to a crying baby. Apparently, that's not allowed if the baby is yours.

*In church 9 year old: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing...
Mom: [Whispers] So we don't fall asleep

Daughter: You are invading my personal space!

Mom: You came out of my personal space!

A mom shakes her black, magic 8 ball looking for an answer.

“Will I ever live in a clean house again?"
The magic 8 ball explodes and makes a mess

Mom: *Mary Poppins voice* “Ok, children! Time to go!”
[15 min later]
Mom*Batman voice* “ I said let's go.”

10 year old: Mom what's a metaphor?
Mom: My life is a train wreck.

10 year old: I know, but what is a metaphor?

Then there is the kid-raising by Dads

My wife and I have decided that we don't want any kids. Unfortunately, we have two.

"Dad, you called me my brother's name."
Das: “I'm sorry *10 second pause* little dude.”

A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, "Looks like Santa lost his temper again."

Parenting is like being a juggler except all the balls are screaming.

Dad: *winning a Pokemon battle*” This is my greatest accomplishment.”
Wife: “Uh, you have four kids.”
Dad: “You're right. I should tell them I won.”

Movie tickets for four: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5
Seeing the smiles on your family's faces: $126

Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Dad: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!

7 year old daughter: Dad, do trees poop?
Dad: Of course!
7 year old: Really?
Dad: Why do you think they call them "Number 2" pencils?

5year old: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Dad: I don't see why not.
5year old: Mommy said I couldn't.
Dad: There's the why not.

Son: am I adopted?
Dad: not yet, but we're hopeful.

12year old: Can we go to a haunted house this year?
Dad: What's wrong with the haunted house we live in?
12yo: WHAT?!
Dad: Goodnight, son.

Hangman is a great game to teach kids that if they don't learn how to spell, they could be put to death.

Having daughters is great if you want to get yelled at every time you hit a butterfly with your car.

The school just told me my son was gifted which can't be right because I distinctly remember paying a lot of money for him.

With my wife away, my children keep asking me for things like meals and band aids and sympathy, but I don't know where we keep any of that.

Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.

Finally, Woody sent these good thoughts for Lent

Don't let your worries get the best of you; Remember, Moses started out as a basket case.
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Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers. 

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It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.

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When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there. 

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People are funny; they want the front of the bus, middle of the road, and back of the church. 

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Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on the front door forever. 

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Quit griping about your church; If it was perfect, you couldn't belong. 

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If a church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has. 

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We're called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.

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Peace starts with a smile. 

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I don't know why some people change churches; what difference does it make which one you stay home from?

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Be ye fishers of men. You catch 'em - He'll clean 'em.

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Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.

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Don't put a question mark where God put a period.

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Don' t wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.

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Forbidden fruits create many jams. 

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God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called. 

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God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.

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If God is your Co-pilot, swap seats! 

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Prayer: Don't give God instructions, just report for duty!
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The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us. 

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The Will of God never takes you to where the Grace of God will not protect you. 

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We don't change the message, the message changes us.

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You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to discourage them.