There was a recent incident involving spilled
wine (I didn’t do it!) which led to some discussion of whether a glass is now
half full or half spilled. That reminded
me of a whole raft of jokes I haven’t used in a long time – the half empty/half
full philosophical discussion.
Do you look at a glass and think it is
half empty or half full?
An optimist says the glass is half full.
The pessimist says it is half empty.
The cynic... wonders who drank the other half.
The entrepreneur sees the glass as undervalued
by half its potential.
The computer programmer says the glass is
full-empty.
The Buddhist says don't worry, remember the
glass is already broken.
The Dutchman would suggest to both pay for the
glass and share the content. Then tells you he will have the bottom half.
The personal coach knows that the glass goes
from full to empty depending on the circumstances, and reminds the drinker that
he can always fill the glass when he wishes.
The magician will show you the glass with the
full half at the top.
The project manager says the glass is twice as
big as it needs to be.
The realist says the glass contains half the
required amount of liquid for it to overflow.
The worrier frets that the remaining half will
evaporate by next morning.
The physicist says that the glass is not empty
at all - it is half-filled with water and half-filled with air - hence, fully
filled on the whole!
The obsessive compulsive postpones the
question until the level is checked, and checked again, and again, and again...
The phobic says yuck, someone drank out of it
and left his germs on the glass.
The insomniac will be up all night wrestling
with the question.
The existentialist wonders what is the point
of the question.
The nihilist breaks the glass.
The millennial says: I cannot make an informed
decision about whether the glass is half-full or half-empty before I have
checked all the reviews on Yelp and Trip Advisor on his phone.
The grammarian says that while the terms
half-full and half-empty are colloquially acceptable the glass can technically
be neither since both full and empty are absolute states and therefore are
incapable of being halved or modified in any way.
The Portmanteauist says the glass is fulmpty
or emptull. (Note: a portmanteau is a
word-combination like brunch and smog.)
The opportunist says, ‘look, a glass of wine’,
and drinks it while the others are arguing.
And ladies, if your cup is half full, you
probably need a different bra.
While we are on philosophy
A philosophy professor gave an unusual test to
his class. He lifted his chair onto his desk and wrote on the board simply:
"Prove that this chair does not exist." The class set to work,
composing long complex explanations - except one student, who took just thirty
seconds to complete and hand in his paper, attracting surprised glances from
his classmates and the professor. Some days later the class received their
grades for the test. The student who took thirty seconds was judged the best.
His answer was, "What chair?"
Some female jokes:
Single women come home, see what’s in the
fridge and got to bed. Married women
come home see what’s in the bed and got to the fridge.
Wife – “I think you need a hearing test.”
Husband – “Why do I need a hairy chest?”
Fortune teller – “Your husband will meet a
violent end.”
Wife – “Will I be convicted?”
A few minor observations:
Sometimes the grass on the other side of the
fence appears greener because it was been fertilized with bullshit
I have come to the conclusion that I am a
reasonably intelligent person who does stupid things on a semi-regular basis
Sometimes when you are old you wake up with
that awful ‘morning after’ feeling… and you didn’t do anything the night
before.
When you get older you tend to forget what
it’s all about. I haven’t done the
’hokey pokey’ in years.
I finally figured out what I want to be when I
get older – younger.
What I don't like about
office parties is looking for a job the next day.
The Colonel sent me some classic
lines by the late comedian Phyllis Diller
·
Best way to get rid of
kitchen odors: Eat out
·
My photographs don't do
me justice -they look just like me.
·
You know you're old if
they have discontinued your blood type.
·
I want my children to
have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with
them.
·
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
·
The reason women don't
play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
Mary Ellen sent this bad pun:
After the children moved out the old woman sold
the shoe and moved into some flats.
So in retaliation here is my last joke
for this week:
King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on
cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the
Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world.
Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.
Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000
dinars for it."
"But I paid a million dinars for
it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the
king!"
Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a
Star, makes no difference who you are."
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