It's about Time JOW #887

I remember Indian Summer as a time when after a cold snap the days warmed up again.  Here in the Houston area the meaning is more like Calcutta, India.  But at last the worst of the hot days are finally behind us.  This means it must be time for the World Series, where, by a strange twist of fate, LA – the very home of cool - is miserably hot.  It is also about time to change back to ‘real time’ from this so-called daylight savings time.  If it is saving daylight, how come it is still dark at 0700?  But then I suspect the only exercise some people get is falling back and springing ahead.  Other people think 'daylight savings time change day' is the best holiday of the year because they get an extra hour of sleep.

All this got me thinking about time.  Here are a few jokes about time, along with some filler jokes, including a lawyer joke I had not seen before.

A snail was mugged by two turtles.  When the police asked him what happened, he said, “I don’t know.  It happened so fast.”

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Once Chuck Norris and time had race. Result: Time is still running.

>>>>>>>>>>>> 

There is a knock at the door.  When the woman opens it all she sees is a snail.  She picks it up and throws it across the yard.

A week later there is another knock on the door.  She opens the door and there is the snail again.  The snail says, “What was that all about?”

<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

The publisher rejected the mayfly’s book ‘The Life of a Mayfly, an Autobiography’ because it was only one page long.

Some timely riddles:

Q: What do you call a grandfather clock?
A: An old timer.

Q: What dog always knows the time?
A: A watch dog.

Q: What do you call a tense clock?
A: All wound up.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city’s major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.

“Yes?”

“Excuse me, sir,” the jogger said, “do you have the time?”

The man looked at the car clock and answered, “8:15”. The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger. “Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?”

“8:25!”

The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, “I do not know the time!”

Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window. “Sir, sir? It’s 8:45!”

++++++++++++++++++++++++

A guy rang up to airport and said: "Do you mind me please to ask how long is from New York to San Francisco?

The lady replied "Just a moment..."

Then the guy said "Thank you" and hung up.

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A passenger tapped the limo driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped inches from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much." The driver replied, "Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver – I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

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A judge calls the opposing lawyers into his chambers and says, “The reason we are here is that both of you have given me a bribe.”  The two lawyers squirm.  “You Pat have given me $10,000.  Tom, you gave me $15,000.”

The judge hands Pat a check for $5,000.  “Now you are even, and so I am going to decide the case on its merits.”

A stressful joke from Bill

You pick up a hitchhiker, a beautiful girl. Suddenly, she faints inside your truck so you take her to the hospital.
Now that's stressful.
But at the hospital, they say she is pregnant and congratulate you that you're going to be a father. You know that you are not the father, but the girl claims you are.

This is getting very stressful!
You request tests to prove that you are not the father.
After the tests are completed, the doctor says the test prove you're infertile, and probably have been since birth.
You're still stressed but relieved.
Then you think about your wife three kids at home.

Okay, a final joke –

What do you do with an elephant with three balls?

Walk him and pitch to the giraffe.