Golden Years JOW #885

Ah, that wonderful time of the year when there is hope the heat of the summer may someday be ameliorated and all four major sports are in play.  We were able to flip between baseball, football, and basketball – during commercial breaks while we watched Big Bang Theory.  My jokes this week focus mainly on the Golden Years.

My friend Ron described my situation thusly: There is a fine line between saying too much and saying too little.  I tend to walk that line like a drunken clown at the circus. 

Here is a story about why you need to be aware of what you are doing. 

I was ready to leave work when I realized that my keys weren't in my purse. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition. He's afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the parking lot, I realized he was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
After making the report, I hesitated for a while and then made the most difficult call of all to my husband: "I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."
There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice. "Are you kidding me?" he barked, "I dropped you off!"
Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
He retorted, "I will; just as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't steal your damn car!"
Welcome to the golden years...

Now that I'm older, here are some things I've discovered: 

·         I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

·         My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.

·         If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?

·         It was a whole lot easier to get older, than it was to get wiser.

·         Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant.

·         I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.

·         Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

·         Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

·         It is hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

·         The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.

·         If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

·         When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.

·         It is not hard to meet expenses . . . They're everywhere.

·         The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth..

·         These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter.  I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".

++++++++++++++++++++

An old hill farming crofter trudges several miles through freezing snow to a remote chapel for Sunday service. No-one else is there, aside from the clergyman.

"I'm not sure it's worth proceeding with the service - might we do better to go back to our warm homes and a hot drink?" asks the clergyman, inviting a mutually helpful reaction from his audience of one.

"Well, I'm just a simple farmer," says the old crofter, "But when I go to feed my herd, and if only one beast turns up, I sure don't leave it hungry."

So the clergyman, feeling somewhat ashamed, delivers his service - all the bells and whistles, hymns and readings, lasting a good couple of hours - finishing proudly with the fresh observation that no matter how small the need, our duty remains. And he thanks the old farmer for the lesson he has learned.

"Was that okay?" asks the clergyman, as the two set off home.

"Well I'm just a simple farmer," says the old crofter, "But when I go to feed my herd, and if only one beast turns up, I sure don't force it to eat what I brought for the whole herd..."

==========================

A little old couple walked into a fast food restaurant. The little old man walked up to the counter, ordered the food, paid, and took the tray back to the table where the little old lady sat. On the tray was a hamburger, a small bag of fries and a drink. Carefully the old man cut the hamburger in two, and divided the fries into two neat piles. He sipped the drink and passed it to the little old lady, who took a sip and passed it back. A young man on a nearby table had watched the old couple and felt sorry for them. He offered to buy them another meal, but the old man politely declined, saying that they were used to sharing everything. The old man began to eat his food, but his wife sat still, not eating. The young continued to watch the couple. He still felt he should be offering to help. As the little old man finished eating, the old lady had still not started on her food. "Ma'am, why aren't you eating?" asked the young man sympathetically.

The old lady looked up and said politely, "I'm waiting for my turn to use the teeth."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This allegedly true story, supposedly leaked by the Australian Department of Transport, concerns four Australian young men and a mobile speed camera police van. Three of the four lads engaged the speed camera operators in conversation about the camera equipment, and the number of cars caught, etc., while the fourth unscrewed the van's registration plate. Bidding the police farewell, the lads returned home, screwed the registration plate to their own car and proceeded to complete 17 very fast round trips through the speed camera's radar. The traffic penalties department subsequently issued 17 speeding tickets to itself

And finally, from Woody:

Once upon a time there lived a King who had the most beautiful daughter.

But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.

No matter what:
Metal
Wood
Stone
Anything she touched would start to melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The King despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the King,
'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'

The King was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

 The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the King's wealth 

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel.  But alas, when the Princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly
The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the Princess touched them, they melted.

He too was sent away disappointed. 

The third prince approached. He told the Princess, 'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'

The Princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt something very hard. She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!! 
The King was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.  And the Prince married the Princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the Prince's pants?

M&M's of course!  They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What on earth were you thinking?