Holiday Week JOW #896

We are just back from our little Christmas Vacation in historic Colonial Williamsburg, so my JOW is a bit late.  The week between Christmas and New Year’s is typically a non-productive time where working people don’t get much done – much like every week for retirees.  With New Year’s Eve coming upon us my thoughts turn to celebrations.  It’s too bad that brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

Remember, there are some people whose job is just to make everyone feel better.  Those people are bartenders.

My jokes started with booze, then inexorably drifted into some Irish jokes.  Have a Merry New Year.

An obnoxious drunk stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says, "No way, buddy, you're too drunk." A few minutes later, the drunk comes in though the bathroom.

Again he slurs, "Give me a drink," and the bartender says, "No, man, I told you last time, you're too drunk"

Five minutes later the guy comes in though the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender says, "You're too drunk" The drunk scratches his head and says "Dang, I must be. The last two places said the same thing."

……………………………….

Boy: "I love you so much, I could never live without you."

Girl: "Is that you or the beer talking?"

Boy: "It's me talking to the beer."

>>>>>>>>>>> 

I'm a wine enthusiast. The more wine I drink, the more enthusiastic I get.

An Irish father’s reminisces

Ah, I remember the time I took me son out for his first pint.  Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.
I got him a Guinness.  He didn't like it, so I drank it. 
Then I got him a Kilkenny's.  He didn't like that either, so I drank it.  Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager?  He didn't.  I drank it.
I thought maybe he'd like whisky better than beer so we tried a Jameson's.  Nope! 
In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest whisky.  He wouldn't even smell it.  What could I do but drink it?!
By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so tipsy I could hardly push his stroller back home.
 This was one of my father’s favorite jokes:

Little Johnny's Chemistry teacher wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he set up an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class. Observe what happens to the two the worms," said the professor putting the first worm in the glass of water. The worm in the water moved about, twisting and seemingly unharmed. He then dropped the second worm in the whiskey glass. It spasmed for a moment, then quickly sank to the bottom and died. "Now kids, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" he asked. Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"

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Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.  A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.  Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
Cop says "For God's sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"

Irish Confession
Tom went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church.
Inside he found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.  On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses.  On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
When the priest came in, Tom said to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
He replied, "You, moron!  You're on my side of the box.” 

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O’Reilly went to trial for armed robbery.  The jury foreman came out and announced, “Not guilty.
“That's grand!” shouted O’Reilly.  “Does that mean I can keep the money?”

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Mick goes to the vet with his goldfish.  "I think it's got epilepsy", he tells the vet. 
Vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me"
Mick says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Three Irish women are discussing their teenage daughters. The first declares: “I was so shocked last week. I was tidying my daughter’s room and I found a packet of cigarettes under her pillow. I didn’t even know that she smoked!”

“It gets worse than that,” says the second mother. “I was tidying my daughter’s room last week and I found a bottle of vodka under her bed. I didn’t even know that she drank!”

“Oh, it gets even worse than that,” says the third mother. “I was tidying my daughter’s room last week and you’ll never guess what I found in her bedside cabinet: a packet of condoms! I didn’t even know that she had a penis!”