Family Valued JOW

We had a nice dusting of powder snow last week.  It was rather unexpected, but then any snow in east Texas is unexpected.  Facebook exploded with photographs of frosted trees and little snowmen.  Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.  Like good snow, it quickly evaporated long before it wore out its welcome. 

It being the season where families tend to get together I have a few family-related jokes this week.  I hope you enjoy them.  I start with some modern, that is to say, wise ass, kids.

At the mall, a mother said to her unruly son, "Look at that kid over there; he's not misbehaving."

The son replied, "Maybe he has good parents then!"

+++++++++++++++++++++

A young boy comes home from school in a bad mood. His father asks him, "What's wrong, son?"

The kid tells his dad that he's upset because another kid has been teasing him and calling him gay.

The father says, "Punch him in the face next time he does that. I bet he'll stop."

The boy replies, "Yeah, but he's so cute!"

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

Mother: "Are you talking back to me?!"
Son: "Well, yeah, that's kinda how communication works."

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Little Susie, a six-year-old, complained, "Mother, I've got a stomach ache." "That's because your stomach is empty," the mother replied. "You would feel better if you had something in it." That afternoon, her father came complaining that he had a severe headache all day. Susie perked up, "That's because it's empty," she said. "You'd feel better if you had something in it."

Two old grannies are comparing their grandchildren

I have the perfect grandson.
Does he smoke?
No, he doesn’t.
Does he drink whiskey?
No, he doesn’t.
Does he ever come home late?
No, he doesn’t.
I guess you really do have the perfect grandson. How old is he?
He will be 16 months old next Wednesday.

……………..

A mom texts, "Hi Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?"

He texts back, "I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later."

The mom texts him, "It's ok, don't worry about it. I'll ask your sister, love you too."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

An elderly couple are in church. The wife leans over and whispers to her husband, "I just let out a long, silent fart. What should I do?" 

The husband replies, "First off, replace the batteries in your hearing aid!"

A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" 

"That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" 

"Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."

‘’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says, "You should go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

+++++++++++++

A 3 years old boy sits near a pregnant woman.
Boy: Why do you look so fat?
Pregnant woman: I have a baby inside me.
Boy: Is it a good baby?
Pregnant woman: Yes, it is a very good baby.
Boy: Then why did you eat it?!

================

·         I live in my own little world, but it's OK. Everyone knows me here.

·         I don't do drugs. I find I now get the same effect just by standing up really fast.

·         I don't like political jokes. I've seen too many get elected.

·         The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

·         If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.

·         Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.

·         Every day I beat my previous record of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

·         Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery
tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

·         Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

·         Marriage changes passion .. . . suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

And finally, a fairy tale for the modern age.

It’s a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty!

"Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks. Father Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty!

"Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars.

Mother Bear sticks her head out the kitchen door and yells,

"For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was me, Mother Bear who go up first. It was Mother Bear who woke everybody else in the house up. It was me,  Mother Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was me, Mother Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was me, Mother Bear who set the table. It was me, Mother Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water and food dish. And now that you've decided to come down stairs and grace me with your presence, listen good because I'm only going to say this one more time: I haven't made the fricking porridge yet!"