I try to put out a JOW each week, so if you
don’t receive one for a couple of weeks, let me know. Next week will be in exception. I will be going to the Holy Land for twelve
days where I will be visiting Israel and Jordon. I am not going to take a computer with me and
I refuse to use my little phone for sending and receiving emails, so there will
be no way to post anything. By the way,
if you ever need to use any of the jokes that I send, I have been posting them
online since 2008 at thospinneyjow.blogspot.com.
Look for my jokes again the week of 19 March.
Some ’kid logic jokes’
Teacher: “How old is your father?”
Kid: “Five years.”
Teacher: “That’s impossible.”
Kid: “Well, he wasn’t a father until I was born.”
Kid: “Well, he wasn’t a father until I was born.”
>>>>>>>>>>
Teacher: “Maria, go to the map and find North
America.”
Maria: “Here it is.”
Teacher: “Very good. Now class, who discovered America?”
Class” “Maria.”
Class” “Maria.”
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Teacher: Glen, how do you spell crocodile?”
Glen: “k r o k o d I a l
Teacher: “That is not right.”
Glen: “Maybe.
But you asked me how I spell
it.”
And speaking of children
The sweet old lady was looking at her
children, grandchildren, great grandchildren, and even great-great
grandchildren when she started giggling.
When asked what was so funny, she replied, “Everyone here is alive
because I got laid.”
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
A first grade teacher provided her
class with a list of the first half of well-known proverbs and asked them to
come up with the remainder of the proverb.
Perhaps they did not know their proverbs but some of the answers showed
a lot of insight.
Strike while the bug
is close
It’s always darkest before Daylight
Savings Time
Don’t bite the hand that is
dirty
A miss is as good as a mister
You can’t teach and old dog new
math
An idle mind is the
best way to relax
Where there’s smoke there’s pollution
Happy is the bride who gets
all the presents
Two’s company, three’s the
Musketeers
There are none so blind as Stevie
Wonder
Children should be seen and not spanked or put in time out
A bird in the hand is going to poop on you
Don’t change horses until they stop running
More
grammar jokes! These are from Mary
Ellen:
A
dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the
bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.
A
bar was walked into by the passive voice.
An
oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.
Two
quotation marks walk into a “bar.”
A
malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in
cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent
other, who takes him for granite.
Hyperbole
totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.
A
question mark walks into a bar?
A
non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.
A
mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping
to nip it in the bud.
A
comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.
Three
intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.
A
synonym strolls into a tavern.
At
the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar -- fresh as a daisy, cute as a
button, and sharp as a tack.
A
run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little
sentence fragment.
Falling
slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor. (I had to look
that one up.)
A
figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively
hammered.
An
allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.
The
subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.
A
verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The
noun declines.
An
Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the
television getting drunk and smoking cigars.
(I have a story about ‘comma wars’)
A
simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.
A
gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.
A
hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly
chokes on the irony.
This is one of my favorite jokes.
Sebastian
is the owner of a big furniture brand, in the mid-west arrived in Barcelona on
a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance
with a gorgeous young lady. However, she only spoke Spanish and he only spoke
English, so each couldn’t understand a word the other spoke.
He
took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a taxi. Beautiful girl
smiled, nodded her head and they went for a ride in the park.
Later,
he drew an image of a table in a restaurant with a question mark and she
understood, so they went to dinner.
After
dinner, Sebastian sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to
several night-clubs, drank champagne, danced and had a spectacular evening.
It
had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew a picture of a
four-poster bed. Sebastian was completely amazed. To this very day, he still
doesn’t know how she guessed that he sold furniture!
Which reminded me
of this one:
Sheri,
the pert and pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the
hospital where she worked. “Doctor, you must help me,” she pleaded. “It’s
gotten so that every time I meet one of the handsome young doctors here, I end
up dating him, and then wind up having sex with him. Afterward, I feel guilty and
depressed for a week.”
“I
see,” nodded the psychiatrist. “And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your
will power and resolve so you don’t do that anymore.”
“NO!!!”
exclaimed the nurse. “I want you to fix it so I won’t feel guilty and depressed
afterward!”
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