Jewish JOW #907

So I am back from my pilgrimage to the Holy Land, limping and damaged but enlightened.  While there I had a good taste of Jewish culture; tastes like hummus.  Actually I love Jewish humor.  So here are a few definitely Jewish jokes that I enjoy.

The main course at the big civic dinner was baked ham with glazed sweet potatoes. Rabbi Cohen regretfully shook his head when the platter was passed to him.
"When," scolded Father Kelly playfully, "are you going to forget that silly rule of yours and eat ham like the rest of us?"
Without skipping a beat, Rabbi Cohen replied "At your wedding reception, Father Kelly."

Which brings to mind this one:

Two old retired friends, Father Pat and Rabbi Moshe were relaxing on the beach together as was their custom.  Moshe had just finished telling Pat about his many grandchildren when the subject of bacon came up.

“Bacon is wonderful, Moshe.  You should try some.”

“Now, Pat, you know I don’t eat bacon.”

“Have you ever tried it?”

There was a long pause before Moshe replied.  “Once, long ago, I was wild and rebellious.  And yes, I ate bacon.” 

“Did you like it?”

“I admit it was delicious.”

There was another pause then Moshe asked his friend, “Father Pat, have you ever been with a woman?”

Pat sighed.  “Long ago, before I took my vows, I was very much in love with Bridget.  And yes, before we separated forever, we did make love, wild, passionate love.”

“It’s better than bacon, isn’t it?”

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Two bees buzz around what's left of a rose bush.  "How was your summer?" asks bee number one.  "Not too good," says bee two. "Lotta rain, lotta cold. Not enough flowers, not enough pollen."

The first bee has an idea.  "Hey, why don't you go down the corner and hang a left? There's a bar mitzvah going on. Plenty of flowers and fruit." Bee two buzzes, "Thanks!" and takes off. An hour later, the bees bump into each other again.

"How was the bar mitzvah?" asks the info-bee. 

"Great!" says buddy-bee.

The first bee peers at his pal and wonders, "What's that on your head?"

"A yarmulke," is the answer.  "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."

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An Englishman in New York stopped at a window in the middle of which stood one lone clock. 
The Englishman went inside. “Hello!” he sang out. 

From behind a curtain stepped a bearded man in a skullcap. 
“Would you please inspect this watch?” The Englishman asked. “Tell me whether it needs...”
“Why are you asking me? “asked the bearded one. 
“Aren't you a jeweler? “
“No. I'm a moyl. “
“A what? “
“A moyl. I make circumcisions”
“Good Lord!” exclaimed the Englishman. “But why do you have a clock in your window?” 
“Mister,” sighed the moyl, “what would you put in the window?”

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Harry Goldberg has been elected the next president of the United States--the first Jewish boy to reach the Whitehouse. He is very proud and phones his mother in New York to invite her to the inauguration. Harry: “Momma, guess what! I've just been elected president, won't you come to my inauguration?” 
Mother: “Harry! You know I hate trains. I can't face the journey all the way to Washington. Maybe next time.”
Harry: “Momma! You will take no train. Air Force One will collect you. The journey will be over in 30 minutes. Come to my inauguration, please...”
Mother: “Harry, I hate hotels. The non-kosher food! Nahh, maybe next time.”
Harry: “Momma!! You will stay in the White House, a kosher chef to yourself. PLEASE come. 
Mother: Harry! I have nothing to wear!”
Harry: “I have someone on his way to take you to Macy's and Bloomingdale's to make you look perfect. You must come!!!”
Mother: “Okay, okay, I suppose I will come.” 
 Inauguration day comes. Mother is on the front row, next to the Secretary of State. Harry is called up to become the next president. Mother digs the Secretary of State in the ribs and says, "Hey, you see that boy Harry? His brother is a very successful doctor!"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

A nice Jewish girl brings home her fiancé to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. He invites the fiancé to his study for schnapps. 
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the fiancé. 
"I am a Torah scholar," he replies. 
"A Torah scholar." the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"  "I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us." 
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father. 
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us." 
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?" 
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancé. 
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the fiancé insists that God will provide. 
Later, the mother asks "So how did it go?" 
The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."

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A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"

The old man looked around and lowered his voice. I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90 I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and must have forgotten about me..... and I don't want to remind Him."