Poor Richard's JOW #1030

These weird days continue.  Imagine if you will, a world where Cinco de Mayo falls on a Taco Tuesday only to be ruined by a virus named after a Mexican beer.  Covid-19 has done what women have never been able to accomplish: Cancel all sports, shut down all bars, and keep men at home. 

I appreciate the fodder provided by my readers; Woody, Bill, and Richard are frequent donors.  Last week I used stuff from Mike.  Poor Richard provided most of this week’s offerings.  He provided me a few Modern fashion tips.

·         Novelty ties are a bad look at funerals.

·         A fireman’s uniform is work-appropriate only if you’re a fireman, a stripper, or an undercover agent trying to infiltrate a gang of firefighters or strippers.

·         Remember, true style isn’t about adhering to someone else’s arbitrary rules. It’s about expressing yourself.  Unless the self you’re expressing is someone with bad style, in which case you’re a lost cause. 

Dick also provided some amusing quotes which I will use as a part of my jokes.  I often wonder about the attribution of quotes I see online.  As Abraham Lincoln put it –“You cannot trust all the things people post on the Internet.”

·         A Member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."

·         Benjamin Disraeli. “That Sir, depends whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

·         "He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr. 

·         "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill.

·         “I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow.

·         "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

·         "Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" - Hemingway in reply.

·         "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." -  Moses Hadas.

·         "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain.

·         "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde.

·         "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.                                                                               

·         "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second ... if there is one."   Winston Churchill, in response.

·         "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -  Stephen Bishop.

·         "He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright.

·         "I've just learned about his illness.  Let's hope it's nothing trivial." -  Irvin S. Cobb.

·         "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." -  Samuel Johnson.

·         "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." -  Paul Keating.

·         "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker.

·         "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"  -  Mark Twain.

·         "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."  -   Mae West.

·         "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."  -  Oscar Wilde.

·         "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." -  Andrew Lang (1844-1912).

·         "He has Van Gogh's ear for music." -  Billy Wilder.

·         "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx. 

A random 'priest walks into a bar’ joke

Father Murphy walked into a pub in Donegal, and asked the first man he met, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do, Father."
The priest said, 'Then come over here.'
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," the man replied.
"Then stand over here," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 

"Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now!" 

This is one of my favorite jokes

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then he married the one with the biggest boobs.

And finally the thought occurred to me.  If you have ever wondered why they are called ‘boobs’, I have a theory.

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