Ranting JOW #1031

First, I am going to start out with a rant. I am getting pretty cheesed off about the continuing excessive closures to ‘protect us from ourselves.’  Sure, some measures seem reasonable and prudent.  However, too many media types are from New York City which has the highest population density in the US and was hit very hard; they implied the disease would be like that everywhere and it was not – not even close.  Too many such commentators view the country as the United States of New York City.  I understand the need to ‘flatten the curve’, which we have done.  Now it is more like ‘flatten the economy.’  I read an editorial, written by an economist and a business man which must be correct, because I agree with it.

‘It is important to recognize that under the models used to justify the lockdown policy, lockdowns cannot appreciably reduce total infections. They only push infections off into the future. Thus, in the absence of a serious risk of overwhelming health care capacity, it is difficult to see the scientific justification for continuing the extremely costly measures that remain in place across this state and country. We cannot fall victim to wishful thinking, hoping that if only we keep bearing these costs a little longer, the virus will disappear and no one else will die.’ 

Okay, I will step off my soapbox and get back to the jokes, mostly about angry people.

Here are some quick gender-related bits.

·         Behind every woman who is angry is a man who doesn’t understand what he did wrong.

·         When a woman is angry tell her she is ‘overreacting’.  That should calm her right down.

·         If you rearrange the letters of Mail Men they become very angry.

·         What do you say if you break up with your girlfriend and she wins the lottery the next day?  Tell her you are pregnant.

·         For all the guys who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember that's where the knives are kept.

·         Women are like roads. The more curves they have, the more dangerous they are.

·         The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

·         A good man can make you feel strong, sexy, and able to take on the whole world.  No, wait, that’s wine – wine does that.

·         Some women are like volcanos: they stay calm for extended periods of time before exploding and destroying everything in their path.  Then they are calm again.

·         That woman hides crazy like a bikini hides 45 pounds

·         Women believe what they hear.  That is why men lie.

·         Men believe what they see.  That is why women wear makeup.

~~~~~~~~~~~

A man left from work one Friday afternoon and instead of going home to his wife, he spent the entire weekend out partying with the boys, spending his entire paycheck.  When he finally returned home Sunday night his was met with a very angry wife who subjected him to a tirade of abuse for his actions.  Finally she simply said to him, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”
Unrepentant he replied, “That would be fine by me.”
Monday and Tuesday went by and he didn’t see her at all.  But by Wednesday the swelling had come down enough where he could just see out of his left eye.”

Ten things women understand

10. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes.
9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.
8. Crying can be fun.
7. FAT CLOTHES.
6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.
5. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack that fits perfectly can be considered a peak life experience.
4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
3. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible.
2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes.
1. Other women

Ten things men know about women

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. Women have boobs

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A woman comes running to the doctor shouting and screaming in pain “Please doctor, you’ve got to help me. I’ve been stung by a bee.”

DOCTOR: “Don’t worry; I’ll put some cream on it.”

WOMAN: “You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now.”

DOCTOR: “No, you don’t understand! I’ll put some cream on the place you were stung.”

WOMAN: “Oh! It happened in the garden where I was sitting under a tree.”‘

DOCTOR: “No, no, you IDIOT! I mean on which part of your body did that bee sting.”

WOMAN (still screaming in pain): “On my finger! The bee stung me on my finger and it really hurts.”

DOCTOR:”Which one?”

WOMAN (innocently): “How am I to know? All bees look the same to me.”

* * * * *

An old farmer was hauling a load of manure when he was stopped by a state trooper.

“You were speeding,” the cop said. “I’m going to have to give you a ticket.”

“Yep,” the farmer said as he watched the trooper shoo away several flies.

“These flies sure are terrible,” the trooper complained.

“Yep,” the farmer said, “these are circle flies.”

“What’s a circle fly?” trooper asked.

“These flies that circle a horse’s ass,” answered the farmer. “They are circle flies.”

“You wouldn’t be calling me a horse’s ass, would you?” the trooper angrily asked.

 “Nope, I didn’t,” the farmer replied. “But you just can’t fool those flies.”

And finally, a semi-true story

Windows – Please enter your password

Me – cabbage

Windows – Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters

Me – boiled cabbage

Windows – Sorry the password must contain at least one numerical character

Me – 1 boiled cabbage

Windows – Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces

Me – 50damnboiledcabbages

Windows – Sorry, the password must have at least one upper case character

Me – 50DAMNBOILEDCABBAGESSHOVEDUPYOURASSIFYOUDON’TGIVEMEACCESSNOW

Windows – Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

Me – 50damnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon’tGiveMeAccessNow!

Windows – Sorry the password cannot include punctuation  

Me - 50damnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon’tGiveMeAccessNow

Windows – Sorry, that password is already in use.