I recently explained to Ruth about a new word: Airgasm – that intense burst of pleasure you get when you can remove your mask. Women say that masks are like bras. They are uncomfortable, but you have to wear them in public because when you don’t everybody notices. My wife told me "Why don't you write a book instead of stupid word play jokes?"
I said, "That's a novel idea."
But instead I decided to do some JOWs on word
play. I used to be great at word play -
once a pun a time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A male prisoner promised a female guard that
he would marry her if she helped him escape. This is an example of someone
using a proposition to end a sentence with.
`````````
The Vocabulary Theater is now open. I heard
they have a clever word play.
My friend Dick sent me these new
words.
Cashtration: The act of buying a house, which
renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it
was your money to start with.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from
penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking
down in the near future.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who
doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when
you are running late.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad
vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious
bummer.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at
you rapidly.
Arachnoleptic Fit: The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally
walked through a spider web.
Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at
three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the
fruit you're eating.
·
I asked Google how to start a
fire. I got a lot of matches.
·
I was hoping to take some of the
leftovers from the party home, but my plans were foiled.
·
A cat scratched up an impressionist
painting. It is now a clawed Monet.
·
If money doesn’t grow on trees why do
banks have branches?
·
When the power went out last night
leaving me in the dark I was delighted.
·
Twenty six letters a comma, and a
period walked into court. They will be
sentenced Tuesday.
·
An English teacher asked a student to
name two pronouns. The surprised student
answered, who, me?
When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend; but it was just my imaginasian.
<<<<<<<
The host of a costume party greeted a guest in
a green Lycra suit with the initials N and V on his chest
"What have you come as, good sir?" the host asked.
The Lycra clad man says "Why, I'm green with envy. "
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ketchup
Ketchup who?
Catch up with me and I'll tell you!
-------
Knock knock
Who's there?
Who.
Who, who?
Owl let you in.
=======
Knock knock
Who's there?
Cow goes.
Cow goes who?
No, cow goes "Moo!"
++++++++
Her: will you remember me next week?
Him: Sure
Her: Will you remember me next month?
Him: Certainly
Her: Will you remember me next year?
Him: I could never forget you.
Her:
Okay. Knock knock.
Him: Who’s there?
Her: See, you’ve already forgotten me!
--------------
Questions That Confuse Humankind
Who was the first person to look at a cow and
say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever
comes out"?
Who was the first person to say, "See
that chicken there....I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's
butt"?
It was a brave man who first ate an oyster.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in
the freezer?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is
there a song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the
carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make
a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking
for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom
is?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you
get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
What do you call male ballerinas?
Can blind people see their dreams?
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all
that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If electricity comes from electrons, does
morality come from morons?
Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated
by a mouse?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of
Alphabet Soup?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's
outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?
Finally a few more quick ones to make
you think….
I’m so bored that I just memorized six pages
of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
We cannot allow this year to end,
That would be admitting that 2021.
A fortune teller told me I’d suffer awful
heart break in 12 years.
To cheer myself up I bought a puppy.
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