Warning Notice JOW #1078

 We have all seen those warning notices on everything from tools to toilet paper.  Apparently common sense and self-reliance have become so rare that we have to explicitly warn people about the most ridiculous things.  The problem is, of course, that we have all become so inured to these warnings that we tend to disregard actually important warnings on things like pesticides.  These notices are all driven by well-meaning but stifling over-regulation and fear of litigation.  Some of these warnings might have been written by hyper-cautions attorneys, and some seem to be imported with dubious translations.  All of the following are actual warnings attached to a wide variety of products.

Warning: Do not read these jokes while operating machinery.

Dumb Warning Messages
“Warning: May contain nuts.” — On a package of peanuts.

“Do not eat.” — On a slip of paper in a stereo box, referring to the Styrofoam packing.

“Access hole only — not intended for use in lifting box.” — On the sides of a shipping carton, just above cut-out openings which one would assume were handholds.

“Warning: May cause drowsiness.” — On a bottle of Nytol, a brand of sleeping pills.

“Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death.” — Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 caliber rifle.

“Do not use orally after using rectally.” — In the instructions for an electric thermometer.

“Turn off motor before using this product.” — On the packaging for a chain saw file, used to sharpen the cutting teeth on the chain.

“Do not stop the chain with your hands or genitals.” – On a Husqvarna chainsaw.  Who said Norwegians do not have a sense of humor.

“Not to be used as a personal flotation device.” — On a 6×10 inch inflatable picture frame.

“Do not put in mouth.” — On a box of bottle rockets.

“Please remove before driving.” — On the back of a cardboard windshield (for keeping the car from getting too hot when parked).

“Remove plastic before eating.” — On the wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack.

“Not dishwasher safe.” — On a remote control for a TV.

“For lifting purposes only.” — On the box for a car jack.

“Do not put lit candles on phone.” — On the instructions for a cordless phone.

“Warning! This is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants.” — On the packaging for a wristwatch.

“This costume does not enable flight or super strength” -Product: Frankel's Costume Superman costumes

“Do not recharge, put in backwards, or use.” — On a battery.  (You can’t be too safe.)

Warning label on a letter opener: “Safety goggles recommended before use.”

“Not intended for highway usage”   - on a wheelbarrow.

“Remove child before folding.” on a baby stroller

“Remove child before washing.”   On some children’s clothing

”Do not put any person in this washer.” -Product: Huebsch Washing Machine

“Do not eat iPod Shuffle.” - Warning label on Apple’s website

“Warning label on a carpenter’s electric drill”: This product not intended for use as a dental drill.

 “This product is not intended for use as a dental drill.” - Product: Dremel rotary tool

“SPCS precision screwdriver set not to be inserted into penis” (with helpful illustration.)

Here are a few more warning labels

Warning label on a dishwasher: “Do not allow children to play in the dishwasher.”

Warning label on a box of rat poison: “Has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice.”

Warning label on a hairdryer: “Do not use while sleeping.”

Warning label on a brass fishing hook: “Harmful if swallowed.”

Warning label on a can of pepper spray: “May irritate eyes.”

Warning label on a bar of soap: “Use like regular soap.”

Warning label on a takeout coffee cup: Avoid pouring on the crotch area.

And finally, a non-related joke.
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.
"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."
"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.
No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.
"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."