I am uncertain how psychiatrists earned the term‘shrink’. Once a standard feature of the intelligentsia, they have lately been supplanted lately by councilors and psychologists. What is the difference between a psychiatrist and a psychologist? If you say to a psychiatrist “I hate my mother,” he will ask “Why do you say that?” while a psychologist will say “Thank you for sharing that with us.” A psychiatrist is also someone who will listen to you as long as you don’t make sense.
Here are some jokes
about the tribe of shrinks.
I told my psychiatrist I'm
thinking about suicide
He told me from now on I
have to pay in advance.
>>>>>>>>
Andy: “I dreamed my
teacher is making me read out endless values of π.”
Psychiatrist: “Is it recurring?”
Andy: “Not as far as anyone can tell.”
<<<<<<<
Why did the bicycle go to
the psychiatrist?
It had cycle logical
problems
````````
A naked guy walks into a
psychiatrist's office...
"You gotta help me,
doc," he tells the psychiatrist, "I think I'm going crazy!"
The psychiatrist looks him over and replies. "Well, I can clearly see your
nuts."
~~~~~~~~~~
What’s the difference
between a psychologist and a magician? A psychologist pulls habits out of rats!
+++++++++
How many Psychiatrists
does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but the bulb has got to really
WANT to change.
……
A Psychiatrist is sitting
in his office when his secretary comes in and says "Sir, there's a man
here to see you who thinks he's a flock of crows. If you ask me we should just
send him to the loony bin and be done with it."
And the psychiatrist replied "Doris! Are you asking me to commit a Murder!?"
A German joke
A man is treated by a
psychiatrist because he thinks that he is a mouse. After some weeks of
psychiatric counseling he is finally healed and understands that he isn't a
mouse.
As the man in walks out of the psychiatrist’s office he sees a cat on the
street and runs back to the psychiatrist and screams: "I'm scared! There's
a cat on the street!"
The psychiatrist replies "I thought you know now, that you are not a
mouse."
The man answers "Yes, I know that, but does the cat know this too?"
==========
A man goes to a
psychiatrist and says "Doctor, you gotta help me, my wife thinks she's a
piano..."
The doc replies,
"Well, bring her in and I'll see what I can do."
The man says, "Are you nuts!? Do you know how much it costs to move a
piano??"
Two psychologists meet at
their twentieth college reunion. One of them looks like he just graduated,
while the other psychologist looks old, worried and withered. The older looking
one asks the other, “What’s your secret? Listening to other people’s problems
every day, all day long, for years on end, has made an old man of me.”
The younger looking one
replies, “Who listens?”
^^^^^
A man told his girlfriend
he was seeing a psychiatrist.
Then she told him that she
was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
>>>>
A guy goes to a
psychiatrist. “Doc, I keep having these alternating, recurring dreams. First
I’m a teepee; then I’m a wigwam; then I’m a teepee; then I’m a wigwam. It’s
driving me crazy. What’s wrong with me?”
The doctor replies: “It’s
very simple. You’re two tents.”
------
What happens when a
psychiatrist and a hooker spend the night together?
In the morning each of them says: “200 dollars, please.”
------
Patient: Doctor, I keep
thinking that I’m a deck of cards!
Psychiatrist: Sit over there and I’ll deal with you later!
Receptionist: “Doctor,
there is a man out her who wants an appointment. He says he is invisible.”
Psychiatrist: “Tell him I
can’t see him right now.”
=======
Patient: Doctor, I keep
thinking I’m invisible.
Psychiatrist: What, Wait!…who
said that?
A longer shrink joke
A man goes to the
psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, my job is so stressful, I can't sleep, I
think I'm depressed!
The psychiatrist listens and says, "Ah, yes, I have a prescription for
that," and sends the man on his way.
A month later the man comes back and the doctor asks how he's doing.
"Terrible," he says, "The medication made me sleep all the time
and I lost my job! Now I'm anxious that my wife will leave me."
"I have a prescription for that," says the psychiatrist, and sends
the man on his way.
A month later the man comes back and the doctor, again, asks how he's doing.
"Terrible! I can't get an erection anymore and my wife left me, she's
taking the house in the divorce. I'm so upset I can't eat."
"I have a prescription for that," says the psychiatrist, and sends
the man on his way for a third time.
The man comes back a month later and the psychiatrist asks how he's doing.
"Terrible! The medication made me gain weight and now I have diabetes! I
can't afford the insulin- in fact I'm homeless now. I don't even have the money
for this visit."
The psychiatrist listens intently and says, "Well, you are no longer
stressed by your job, unable to sleep, worried about your marriage, or unable
to eat. Isn't it nice to be cured?"
A woman went to the
psychiatrist for a consult. "Doctor, I don't ever want to get married. I
am an educated, independent woman and I am happy by myself. I don’t need a
husband, but my parents insist I get married. What should I do?"
The psychiatrist: "You, no doubt, will achieve wonderful things in life.
But at some point, some things will not occur as you expected. Some things
will go wrong. Sometimes you fail. Sometimes your plans don't work. Sometimes
your wishes won't come true. Who will you blame at that moment? Will you blame
yourself?"
Woman: "No! Absolutely NOT!"
The psychiatrist: "YES. That's why you need a HUSBAND! "
And finally, on a
different note.
At a suburban dinner
party, a curvaceous blonde was the center of attraction. She stood in the
middle of the room surrounded by almost every male in the place.
Finally, one woman turned to her husband and meowed, "I don't see what
they see in her."
"I don't either," replied her husband as he started across the room.
"I think I'll take a closer look."
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