All Dad JoW #1125

As my poor children will attest, I love DAD Jokes. They are mostly short, bad puns and silly riddles. What’s the difference between a dad joke and a bad joke? The direction the first letter faces.  This week is exclusively composed of Dad Jokes.  Forgive me.

 

“Dad, I’m hungry!”

“Hello, hungry, I’m dad.”

 

What do you call a beehive without an exit? UnBeeLeaveable!

 

Why is the letter A like a flower? Because a “b” comes after it!

 

What did the guard shout when a pea broke out of prison? “Escapea!”

 

Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother… Sudden Lee.

 

Do you wanna box for your leftovers? No, but I’ll wrestle you for them.

 

It hurts me to say this, but … I have a sore throat.

 

What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.

 

What is the opposite of ladies fingers? Mentos

 

Finally my winter fat has gone… Now, I have spring rolls.

 

My new sweater had a problem with static so I returned it. They gave me a new one free of charge.

 

My son knocked a picture of himself off the shelf.
He looked devastated. I told him, “Don’t worry about it, champ. Pick yourself up”.

 

How does a squid go into battle? Well-Armed

 

What kind of tea is hard to swallow? Reality

 

I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now.

 

My teachers told me I’d never amount to much since I procrastinate so much. I told them, “Just you wait!”

 

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest…that’s just how I roll.

 

What do you call a deer with no eyes? No-eye deer

What do you call a paralyzed deer with no eyes? Still no-eye deer

 

Why is dark spelled with a ‘k’ and not a ‘c’? Because you can’t ‘c’ in the dark!

 

What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates.

 

Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia with a MasterCard? Because his Visa didn’t work.

 

My doctor told me I’m going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.

 

The best gift I ever received was a broken drum. You can’t beat that.

 

Who is the loneliest billionaire? Alone musk.

 

I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is open Mike night!

 

I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD. It was here a minute ago.

 

Why does Waldo wear a striped shirt? Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.

 

I asked 10 people what LGTBQ stood for… I couldn’t get a straight answer!

 

Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen.

 

My son got angry when I told him “Sky is the limit for you”.
He wants to be an astronaut.

 

I agree you should not be disrespectful to cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie?

 

Did you hear about the cheese that’s been working out? Dude’s shredded

 

I used to hate facial hair…but then it grew on me.

 

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.

 

Friend: “Bro, can you pass me that pamphlet?”
Me: “Brochure”

 

Whoever stole my depression medication: I hope you’re happy.

 

I’ve been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it’s better than sitting around doing nothing.

 

I finally got around to watching that documentary on clocks. It was about time.

 

Her: I’m leaving. I am sick of you wearing a different shirt every half an hour.
Me: Wait. I can change.

 

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.

 

The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence.

My therapist told me I have problems with verbalizing my emotions. I can’t say I’m surprised.

 

I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus. That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

 

What do you call a typo on a headstone? A grave mistake.

 

I named my dog “Five miles.” So that I could say, “I am going to walk 5 miles now.”

 

What group of people never get angry? Nomads.

 

How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor.

 

I wasn’t expecting to be diagnosed as color blind. It really came out of the purple.

 

The guy who stole my diary died yesterday. My thoughts are with his family.

 

How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while.

 

I’m an expert at picking leaves and heating them in water. It’s my special tea.

 

What do you say to your sister when she’s crying? Are you having a Crisis?

 

I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but graphing is where I draw the line.

 

My dad is so cheap that when he dies, he’s going to walk toward the light and turn it off

 

My father liked to say, “I’m bald because a good man always comes out on top.” Dad loved to make people laugh. At his funeral, the preacher said, “In his lifetime, this man told thousands of jokes, but they were always the same one.”

 

My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, “How can I stop my addiction?”

Wife: whatever means necessary.

Me: No it doesn’t.

  

And finally, mercifully

When I was 12, my father told me a terrible story that had happened at the gas station that day. “I was pumping gas when I noticed this small dog licking up a puddle of gasoline off the ground,” he said. “All of a sudden, the poor thing started running around the car as fast as he could. He kept running and running until he finally just dropped to the ground right in front of me.” I gasped,

“Oh no. Was he dead?”

Dad shook his head. “No, he just ran out of gas.”