Political JOW #1123

 

Today is Election Day, or rather primary day, which in my one-party county is essentially the same thing.  I am reluctant to make jokes about politicians – too many of them get elected.  However my friend, Dick sent me some stuff about PJ O’Rourke, a wonderful writer who recently passed away.   Armed with pithy one-liners and a slashing style, Mr. O’Rourke worked in the tradition of H.L. Mencken, targeting hypocrisy, pomposity and contradiction wherever he found it.  It’s fair to say that P.J.’s writing — or at least the style of biting satire that made him famous — simply wouldn’t fly today. Sometimes, it didn’t even fly then. 

Some examples:

“By loudly denouncing all bad things — war and hunger and date rape — liberals testify to their own terrific goodness.  It’s a kind of natural aristocracy, and the wonderful thing about this aristocracy is that you don’t have to be brave, smart, strong or even lucky to join it, you just have to be liberal.”

 

He closely identified with ordinary Americans. “We’re three-quarters grizzly bear and two-thirds car wreck and descended from a stock market crash on our mother’s side.” 

 

P.J. O'Rourke was in a group of correspondents who during the 1991 Gulf War wound up at a staging area where a young lieutenant told them that if there was a poison gas attack that night, they should reach for their gas masks before they shucked off their sleeping bags. ‘It's more important for you to breathe, she said, than to be fully clothed.’ P.J. told her, ‘you say that because you're young.’

Some of his observations.

“I have only one firm belief about the American political system, and that is this: God is a Republican and Santa Claus is a Democrat.”

 

 “The mystery of government is not how Washington works but how to make it stop.”

 

“When a government controls both the economic power of individuals and the coercive power of the state ... this violates a fundamental rule of happy living: Never let the people with all the money and the people with all the guns be the same people.”

 

“Your money does not cause my poverty. Refusal to believe this is at the bottom of most bad economic thinking.”

 

“If we want the whole world to be rich, we need to start loving wealth. In the difference between poverty and plenty, the problem is the poverty, not the difference. Wealth is good.”

 

“One of the annoying things about believing in free will and individual responsibility is the difficulty of finding somebody to blame your problems on. And when you do find somebody, it’s remarkable how often his picture turns up on your driver’s license.”

 

“It’s better to spend money like there’s no tomorrow than to spend tonight like there’s no money.”

 

 

 

‘Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.’

 

 “The collegiate idealists who fill the ranks of the environmental movement seem willing to do absolutely anything to save the biosphere, except take science courses and learn something about it.”

 

“Fretting about overpopulation, is a perfect guilt-free—indeed, sanctimonious—way for ‘progressives’ to be racists.”

 

“Many reporters, when they go to work in the nation’s capital, begin thinking of themselves as participants in the political process instead of glorified stenographers.”

 

“The good news is that, according to the leftist, the rich will pay for everything. The bad news is that, according to them, you’re rich.”

 

“If government were a product, selling it would be illegal.”

 

“Rich people don’t like to be in the military. The shoes are ugly, and the uniforms itch.”

 

“If you think health care is expensive now, wait until it’s free.”

 

“Politicians are always interested in people. Not that this is always a virtue. Fleas are interested in dogs.”

 

“The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crab grass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn’t work and then get elected and prove it.”

 

“Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys” 

 

Some other political jokes

Biden is really getting tough with Vladimir Putin. Biden’s started wearing a much more aggressive shade of beige. 

 

A frightened Russian goes to the secret police and says, “My talking parrot disappeared.”

“Why did you come here? Go to the regular police.”

“I will. I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever that parrot is going to say.”

~~~~~~

We should have known communism was doomed from the beginning; there were all those red flags.

======

 

A politician was running for reelection; he was in a bar and paid for a woman’s drink. She thanked him but wondered why a stranger had bought her a beer.

“I’m running for mayor,” he told her, “and I want your vote.”

“You got it,” she said, grabbing her glass. “Anyone’s better than the jerk who’s in there now.

A few final short jokes

·         A politician will find an excuse to get out of anything except office.

·         The NSA: a government organization that actually listens to you!

·         What happens when you give a politician Viagra? He gets taller.

·         If con is the opposite of pro, then is Congress the opposite of progress?

 

Q: How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: one to change it and another one to change it back again.

And in conclusion

On his deathbed, a lifelong Republican suddenly announced that he was switching to the Democrats.

“I can’t believe you’re doing this.” said his friend. “For your entire life you’re been a staunch Republican. Why would you want to become a Democrat now?”

“Because I’d rather it was one of them that dies than one of us.”