Gassy JOW #1124

 I was gone last week on a Florida vacation.  I like to travel.  I got a big map for my wall and I'm going to put pins in all the places I've traveled to ... but first, I have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.

I drove our 2400 miles in the middle of the highest gas prices ever.  I did notice some changes.  When you put your credit card in a fuel pump it now asks for the make, model and year of your car, as well as your annual salary. After a brief wait, the message comes back: “Your loan has been approved. You may fill up.”

Here are a few jokes about the price of fuel.

 

I did get some gas on my trip for only $2.99. Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.

 

I never thought I would spend more money getting to COSTCO than I do shopping at COSTCO.

 

A sign on a gas pump read: “Why buy gasoline in small quantities? Get full tank on the weekly payment plan.”

 

Some stations had a slot for your credit card and one right next to it for your 401K.

 

There was a sign at one station that said, 'We take Visa, Mastercard, Discover Card, and American Express.' After I filled up they took my Visa, Master Card, my Discover Card, and my American Express.

 

Two bums were sitting on a park bench and one says: “I had it all…nice wife, a house in the ‘burbs, a luxury car…and then I went to the gas station for a fill-up.”

 

Chuck Norris doesn't worry about high gas prices.
His vehicles run on fear.

 

With the price of fuel, it might be cheaper to mail your car.

Yesterday I took my wife to a real expensive store where we can’t afford anything – just to dream a little – it was a gas station.

 

Lots of folks at a gas station the other day – no one buying anything, everyone was “just browsing.” I talked to one guy who was buying something for his wedding anniversary. At first he was going to get jewelry but then he said he had decided to really splurge for this anniversary and get a full tank of gas.

 

Gas costs so much a local station now has grief counselors on staff to help customers.

 

My wife and I are so excited.  Our loan was just approved!  We can get our tank of gas this afternoon!

 

Gas is more expensive than beer.  Drink, don’t drive.

 

The bright side of high gas prices is that you have an excuse now for not visiting in-laws.  “We’d love to come, honestly…but the money is really tight right now…maybe when gas is below $5 a gallon, OK?”

 

Why do gas prices end with 9/10 of a penny?

It just makes cents.

 

Chinese takeout: $11.77.

Price of gas to get there: $8.90.

Making it all the way home and realizing that you forgot one of the containers:

Riceless

 

Here are some jokes about travelling.

This and That are both on summer break.

That is heading to Florida. This has plans to travel somewhere, but he won't tell me where.  I have no idea where This is going

 

My wife and I can never agree on the holidays," he complains to the bartender. "I want to travel to exotic places and stay in 5-star hotels."

"That sounds fun. What does she want to do?" the bartender asks.

"She wants to come with me," the guy replies.

 

The food on the small aircraft wasn’t good…It was a little plane.

A couple of Russian jokes.

Why do soviet policemen travel in groups of three?

One to read, one to write, and one to keep an eye on the two intellectuals.

 

A KGB agent goes to a library and sees an old Jewish man reading a book.

“What are you reading, old man?” he asks.
“I'm learning Hebrew, comrade”, replies the old Jew.
The KGB agent asks, “What are you learning Hebrew for? You know it takes years to get a permission to travel to Israel? You will die before you get one.”
“I'm learning Hebrew for when I go to heaven so I can speak with Moses and Abraham”, replies the old man.
“How do you know you're going to heaven? What if you go to hell?” asks the KGB agent.
“I already speak Russian."

 

And finally a few ‘You might be a redneck’ jokes from Woody

·        You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

·        You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

·        You can’t get married to your sweetheart because there’s a law against it.

·        You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

·        The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

·        You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

·        You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night

·        Your prom offered day care.

 

And finally, on a related note

 

Two good ol’ boys in a Mississippi trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at the local Nissan plant.

After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd,  “If’n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin’ and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?”

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.

Finally, he says, “Well, I don’t know about kin, but it would make us even.”