Red Hot JOW #1132

 It is May, and this year I am starting to whinge about the East Texas heat and humidity earlier than ever. The humidity is the worst; I hate it when you step out of an air conditioned space and your glasses immediately fog over.  The sun has become an active enemy.  Not only is it uncomfortable, it can be damaging to your skin.  On the upside, an air conditioned house is a very effective sun block.  What is really disheartening is that it will be like this in East Texas for the next five months.  If hell is going to be this hot, I am going to have to start being a better person.  If you want a sense of what it is like here, take a really hot shower, then put on your clothes back on without drying off.

Here are some jokes about high heat and humidity.

 

I want to rename the basketball franchise in Miami The Humidity.

Then when someone asks if it’s the Heat I can say "it’s not the Heat, it’s the Humidity."

 

Why doesn't the Weather Man ever carry valuables on them in a Texas summer?  It gets too muggy.

If you are struggling to sleep at night because of hot and humid weather. I have a solution. 
Get into bed, lay on your side and get as close to the edge of the bed as possible. 
You will soon drop off.

Cold is nice because you can just add layers until you are comfy.  When it’s hot you can only take off so many layers before it becomes illegal.

 

I just bought a new hat with a built-in fan that keeps my head cool during hot weather.
It really blows my mind.

 

I was at a miniature golf course on a brutally hot day when I saw a father with his two kids. "Who's winning?" I asked cheerfully.

"I am," said one. "No, I am," said the other.

"No," the father said "their mother is!"

A weatherman for the air force and one day during a briefing, the Colonel said, "I think we should all thank Mark here for the wonderful weather that we've been having for our flight ops."
The meteorologist replied, "I'm in prediction, not production. I think we need to thank the chaplain."
The chaplain, without missing a beat, says, "I'm in sales, not in management."

 

 

I knew a guy who always used to say "there is no such thing as bad weather, only inappropriate clothing".

I say "used to' because he got hit by lightning.

 

Enough with the humidity.  Here are some puzzling questions:

Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?

Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and it just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.

The word "swims" upside-down is still "swims".

If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When", you get the answer to each of them.

If you rip a hole in a net, there are actually fewer holes in it than there were before.

 

A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician walk into an office to discover the trash can is on fire.

The physicist announces "We must put the garbage can in the fridge so that the temperature will be below the ignition temperature and therefore put itself out!"
The chemist replies "No, we must cover the garbage can so that the fire consumes all of the oxygen and, in the absence of reactants, can no longer continue!"
Meanwhile, the two turn around to find that the statistician is running around the room setting everything else on fire. "What the hell are you doing??"
"Getting a proper sample size!"

<<<<< 

I just melted an ice cube by staring at it. Took a bit longer than I thought it would, though.

>>> 

Even though I no longer smoke pot, but I like hanging out with friends who do.  They always have the best snacks.

 ^^^^

Caveman discovers weed.

Caveman discovers fire.

Stone Age begins.

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While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign: "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

++++

When I got home, I realized I'd accidentally bought a thesaurus. As you can understand, I was pretty crushed... upset... disappointed... vexed... disconcerted.

…..

How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate his pizza before it was cool.

***

A product manager walks into the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, no drinks, but we'll consider adding them later.”

A profound observation on organizations

An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels.

The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

And in conclusion:

Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."