Yet Another Old JOW #1134

 I hope some of you don’t remember that I have been doing a lot of old people jokes.  The subject is easy and topical.  It’s weird being the same age as old people.  I am still as swift as a gazelle.  An old one.  With a bad knee.  Anyway, here are some jokes about older folks.

 

How to tell if you are old?

Pretend to fall down. If people laugh, you are not old yet.

 

Why don’t you ever see beggars over 65?

Because old people hate change

 

I got a Seniors GPS.  Not only does it tell me how to get to my destination, it tells me why I wanted to go there.

 

Think people are getting dumber?  Fifty years ago the owner’s manual of a car showed you have to change oil and adjust the valves.  Today it warns you not to drink the contents of the battery.

 

How many older people can remember their childhood phone number (Evergreen 9-7100) but can’t remember their passwords?

 

I just ordered a life alert bracelet so if I get a life I will be notified immediately

 

People who ask me what I am going to do tomorrow probably assume I even know what day of the week it is.

 

Getting old is just one body part after another saying “Ha.  You think that is bad?  Watch this.”

 

I try to be hip, I am faking it.  Sort of an artificial hip.

 

“What’s a hipster?” asked my four-year-old cousin. “Someone who will wear something just to look different,”

I said. “They’ll often buy clothes in thrift shops and wear thick glasses.”

“Is Grandma a hipster?” he asked

 

 “Dad, what were your good old days?” His thoughtful reply: “When I wasn’t good, and I wasn’t old.” 

 

Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received a jury-duty notice. She called the clerk's office to remind them that she was exempt because of her age.
"You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms," the clerk said.
"But I filled them out last year," she replied.
"You have to fill them out every year."
"Why? Do you think I'm getting younger?"

 

Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside.

“Yes,” says Sally, “a lock of my husband’s hair.”

“But Larry’s still alive.”

“I know, but his hair is gone.”

 

One of the shortest wills ever written: “Being of sound mind, I spent all the money.”

 

On the phone with my 93-year-old brother in Wisconsin, and I told him I thought it was time he paid someone to shovel snow for him. He suddenly grew indignant. “Why should I pay someone to shovel?” he demanded. “I can get my son to do it. He’s only 70!”

 

The average age of people living in our military retirement community is 85. Recently, a neighbor turned 100, and a big birthday party was thrown. Even his son turned up.

“How old are you?” a tenant asked.

“I’m 71 years old,” he answered.

The tenant shook her head. “They sure grow up fast, don’t they?”

 

“This is your great-grandma and great grandpa,” I told my grandson as I handed him a photo of my parents.

“Do you think I look like them?”

He shook his head. “Not yet.”

 

As the hostess at the casino buffet showed a elderly woman to her table, the old lady asked her to keep an eye out for her husband, who would be joining me momentarily. She started to describe him: “He has gray hair, wears glasses, and has a potbelly ...”

The waitress stopped her, “Honey,” she said, “today is Senior Day. They all look like that.” 

 

Doctor: How old are your kids?

Patient: Two who are 44 and 39 from my first wife and two more from my second wife; they are 15 and 13.

Doctor: That’s quite the age difference!

Patient: Well, the older ones didn’t give me any grandkids, so I made my own.

 

After my 91-year-old mother finished having her hair cut and shaped, the stylist announced, “There, now you look ten years younger.”

My mother, un­impressed, replied, “Who wants to look 81 years

 

You can tell monopoly's an old game because there's a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail

 

People say Millennials are entitled but have you ever tried to tell an old lady her coupon has expired?

Here are a few more jokes to round out the week.

Autocorrect can lead you down some strange places.  It helps if you imagine autocorrect as a tiny elf in your phone who tries to be helpful but is quite drunk.

 

Apple pie in Jamaica costs $3.00

Key Lime pie in Antiqua costs $3.50

Cherry pie in Tortuga costs $2.75

These are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean

 

You remember those yardsticks?

They don't make them any longer.

 

I went to a horrible bar called the Fiddle.  I really was a vile inn.

 

If any of you know how to fix broken hinges my door is always open

 

A perfectionist walked into a bar.  Apparently it was set high enough.

 

I wanted to be a singing monk, but I never got the chants.

 

My friend was explaining electricity and I was like Watt?

 

Some puns make me numb and math puns make me number.

 

My friend David had his ID stolen.  Now he’s just Dav

 

A police car lost their wheels to thieves.   Cops are working tirelessly to nab suspect.

 

Now that we have lived through a plague, we understand why all those Renaissance paintings are of chubby women lying around without a bra.

 

 

Think we have a lot of bad jokes? Here is a joke that appeared in an 1872 issue of the Daily Phoenix

 

A man said to a preacher, 'that was an excellent sermon, but it was not original'.

The preacher was taken aback. The man said he had a book at home containing every word the preacher used. The next day, the man brought the preacher a dictionary.