Another War JOW #1131

I did my jokes last week about the Russo-Ukrainian war.  This week my theme is about another, longer war: the battle of the sexes.  This has been a rich source of jokes for me for years; it is time to revisit some of them.

Some gender differences:

Women speak in estrogen and men listen in testosterone

Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

Men are like Bluetooth.  They connect to you when you are nearby but searches to other devices when you are away.

Women are like Wi-Fi.  She sees all available devices but connects to the strongest one.

====

Women have to deal with menstruation, pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding, menopause, hot-flashes, etc.

Men have to deal with women.

I call it a tie.

Some first person gender war jokes.

My wife came out from the other room and asked if I had just gotten a stabbing pain in my chest like someone had a voodoo doll of me and was sticking pins in it.

I replied ‘no’.

A moment later she asked, ‘How about now?’ 

 

I was in my local pub last night enjoying a nice cold pint of beer, when this butt ugly fat bird came up to me and slapped me in the back, and said how about giving me your number handsome
I looked at her and asked Do you have a pen?

Sure! She said.
So I said, Well you better get back in it before the farmer notices you're missing!
My dental surgery is this Friday.

 

I called my girlfriends cell phone and some other guy answered the phone...

He told me that my phone number was no longer in service and to call the phone company to pay my bill.
First she cheats on me and then she tells him about my financial troubles!

 

I've been trying to hide my erectile dysfunction from my girlfriend...

But I just don't think I can keep it up for much longer.

 

My wife sorted out some clothes she no longer wears, I said what are you going to do with them? She replied give them to charity, I said why don't you just throw them away, she replied, there are a lot of starving women out there that will appreciate them.
I replied, anyone that fits into your clothes are definitely not starving.

 

I once dated a woman that had one leg longer than the other.

Her name was Eileen

She had a Japanese friend with the same condition.

Her name was Irene

~~~~

A man walks into a bar sits down, orders a beer, and begins to gaze longingly at the barmaid. The barmaid hands him the beer, returns the stare and says...
"Take a pitcher, it'll last longer."

<<< 

He asked why the house wasn’t clean since she was home all day.

She then asked him why they weren’t rich since he works all day.

>>> 

A golfer stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity to his partner. He looks up, looks down, measures the distance and figures the wind direction and speed. The longer he takes, the more his partner fidgets.

Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, man," the partner says. "You'll never hit her from here."

>>> 

A woman standing in front of a mirror and telling her husband: "I am fat, old, wrinkled and no longer pretty. But will you still give me a compliment?
The husband replies: "Your eyesight is still excellent".

^^^^

A woman went to see a tarot reader woman to predict her future.  The fortune teller looked and the cards and said, “I’m sorry to inform you that your husband will die in the near future.”

Don’t tell me things that I already know, tell me if there will be an investigation.”

=====

Two American tourists, a man and his wife, are traveling in the Middle East. An Arab approaches the husband, saying, “I’ll give you 100 camels for your woman.”

After a long silence, the husband says, “She’s not for sale.”

The indignant wife says, “What took you so long to answer?”

The husband replied, “I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home.”

++++

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train".
"Yes, I know it's the 6:30 and not the 4:30, but I had a long meeting". "No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. It was with the boss".
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".
"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart"
Fifteen minutes later, he was still yammering loudly.
When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone,
"Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.

 

I am tired of keeping track of so many pronouns.

Apparently now they have specific pronouns for Russian army....

was/were

 

I only use one pronoun set.

You/people don't seem to appreciate it

 

What pronouns does a chocolate bar use?

Her/she’s

 

What are the pronouns for someone who identifies as an attack helicopter?

Apache/Apachim

 

What are Snoop Dogg's pronouns?

Hizzle/shizzle.

 

If Michael Jackson were alive today, what would his pronouns be?

Hee/Hee

 

I'm coming out as binary.

My pronouns are 00110101 and 10100110.

 

Hi, I'm an identity thief.
My pronouns are you/yours.

 

And finally something off topic

Mary Poppins will no longer be endorsing ‘Rimmel Vibrant Shades’ lipstick - she claims it “breaks too easily” and it “makes her breath smell”.

She gave the following statement:
“The super color fragile lipstick gives me halitosis”..