Eating JOW #1138

Do you remember the dystopian old movie Soylent Green?  In the future, Earth is overpopulated and totally polluted; the natural resources have been exhausted and the nourishment of the population is provided by Soylent Industries, a company that makes a food they say consists of plankton from the oceans.  In the end the hero finds out that in reality “Soylent Green is people!”  Well that movie from 1973 was set in the year 2022.  Yikes. 

I have been thinking about food and eating lately.  It is a curiosity that for the first time in history, lots of people are more worried about eating too much food instead of getting enough.  Anyway, here are a few jokes about food and eating.

 

I used to think the four food groups were: Fast, Frozen, Instant, and Chocolate.

 

A new study says people can eat health food for only an extra $2 a day.  Think of all the money I am saving.

 

When I eat cake I justify it by saying its ‘somebody’s’ birthday today.

 

According to the Mac and Cheese box I am an entire family of four.

 

Every time I try to eat healthy, along comes Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, Friday, and Sunday.

 

If you are what you eat, there are a lot of people eating fruit cake these days.

 

Forget eating healthy.  At this point in my life I need all the preservatives I can get.

 

Helpful note: If you stir coconut oil into your kale, it makes it easier to scrape it into the trash.

 

You never realize how little self-control you have until the waiter at a Mexican restaurant puts chips and salsa in front of you.

 

Why is it that comfort food leads to so much discomfort later on?

 

If we weren't meant to eat animals then why are they made of meat?

 

It has been scientifically proven that women with few pounds extra tend to live a lot longer than men who point that out.

 

How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate his pizza before it was cool.

 

Restaurant sign – Eat here or we will both starve.

 

Eating too much cake is a sin of gluttony

However, eating too much pie is okay because the sin of pi is always zero.

 

Eating my clock took me all day.

It was very time consuming

 

What did Han Solo say when he saw Luke Skywalker eating without cutlery?

“Use the Forks, Luke”

+++++++

Waitress to family – “Kids eat free today.”

Parent – “In that case I will have a glass of water and the kids will have the steak and lobster with a glass of wine.”

 

When you wait for a server in a restaurant, doesn't that make you the waiter?

Me to server – “I am going to order broiled skinless chicken, but I want you to bring me lasagna by ‘mistake’.”

 

Ever wonder how veggies play?

Broccoli: “I look like a little tree”

Walnut: “I look like a little brain.”

Mushroom: “I hate this game.”

 

A little girl came home from school quite confused after her first sex-ed class, and asked her mother to explain.
"Well," said her mother, quite embarrassed, "There are birds and there are bees..."
"That's what I don't understand! Don't birds eat bees?"
Her father piped up from the next room, "That's lesson two."

 

The reason why many Americans don't eat healthy, is because eating healthy would cause you to lose weight.

And America never loses.

 

A well-meaning mom had a discussion with her five year old son explaining that eating too much junk food and snacks make him fat.
Fast forward to the afternoon, she was with him the bank lined up.  Remembering the conversation about eating too many snacks the boy turns around, with a smirk on his face and an awkward tone, he announces to the pregnant lady....
"Oh, I know what you've been doing"

````

Two women were in a restaurant and ordered fish.
The waiter brought a dish with two fish, one larger than the other.
One of the women said to the other, "Please help yourself."

The other one said "Okay", and helped herself to the larger fish.
After a tense silence, the first one said, "Really, now, if you had offered me the first choice, I would have taken the smaller fish!"

The other one replied, "What are you complaining for; you have it, don't you?"

~~~~
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.

 

And finally.

Bubba and Billy Joe were on vacation, walking downtown, window shopping, and they see a

sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.99 each, shirts $1.99 each, trousers $2.49 each.

Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Joe, Lookee here! We could buy a whole gob o’ these, take ‘em back to Georgia, sell 'em and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin', 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us.”
Now, I'll talk in a slow Texas drawl so's they don't know we is from Georgia."
They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Texas drawl, “I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.99, 100 of them there shirts at $1.99, 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.39. I'll back up my pickup and...."
"The owner of the shop interrupts, "Y'all from Georgia, ain't ya?"
"Well...yeah," says a surprised Bubba. "How come y'all knowed that?"
"Because this is a Dry-Cleaners."

 

 

Old Quotes JOW #1137

 My JOW has always depended on the kindness of, well not strangers, but friends.  Two of them provided me such quality input this week that I simply had to use them.   First, I have some Dad Jokes, because I have a weakness for such jokes, and then a series of quotes about life as we age.  I hope you enjoy these.

Ten Dad Jokes from Tor

1. Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?

In case they get a hole in one.

2. What do you call a factory that makes okay products?

A satisfactory.

3. Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?

He was just going through a stage.

4. What do sprinters eat before a race?

Nothing, they fast.

5. What do you call someone with no body and no nose?

Nobody knows.

6. That car looks nice but the muffler seems exhausted.

7. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity.

It’s impossible to put down.

8. Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?

He won the ‘no-bell’ prize.

9. What’s brown and sticky?

A stick.

10. What does a baby computer call his father?

Data.

 

Okay, here are the funny (to me at least) old quotes:

"To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except exercise, get up early, or be respectable." - Oscar Wilde 

"The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for." - Will Rogers 

 

"We must recognize that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis 

 

"Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci “

 

"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane

 

"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir 

 

"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane 

 

"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain 

 

"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." - Tom Wilson 

 

“I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed." – Unknown 

 

"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton 

 

"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot 

 

"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell 

 

"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers 

 

"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns 

 

"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault 

 

"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." – Unknown 

 

"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom 

 

“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney  

 

“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon 

 

“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino 

 

"You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." - John Mendoza 

 

"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin 

 

"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope 

 

"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer 

 

"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker 

 

"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." – Anonymous

 

“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns 

 

“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier 

 

"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien

 

"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein 

 

"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie 

 

"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner 

 

"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain 

 

"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett 

 

"There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure." - Dennis Wolfberg 

 

"At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for." – Unknown 

 

"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns 

 

"The idea is to die young as late as possible." - Ashley Montagu 

 

“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns 

 

"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns 

 

“Time is a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician” – Phyllis Diller

 

And finally

My wife gave me some of our kids old clothes and asked me donate them to kids that don't have any.
So I went around town asking people where I can find kids without any clothes.  For some reason I ended up being detained.

 

Cruising Along JOW #1136

 

We are safely back from our cruise around Great Britain.  A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single credit card.  We did have a wonderful holiday, but now it is back to the grueling routine of retirement.  In honor of our trip, I have a few cruising/vacation jokes.

>>>> 

My cabin steward was amazing.  I went to use the bathroom in the middle of the night and when I came out my bed had been made up again.

 

What did the therapist say to her husband after they got home from vacation?

There’s a lot to unpack here.

 

I just told my suitcases we aren't going on vacation this year

Now I'm dealing with emotional baggage

 

Do you have time for a joke about the world’s fastest cruise ship?

Don’t worry, it’s a quick one liner.

 

Why did the pirate go on vacation?

He felt like he needed some argh and argh

 

What keeps a dock floating above water?

Pier pressure.

 

Why are fast yachts like furniture stores?

Both always seem to have a sail on.

 

Noah’s Ark was the first couples only cruise.

 

The main point of a cruise is to eat until you weigh the same as the boat

 

You know what really floats my boat?  Archimedes’’ principle of relative buoyancy

 

What vegetable isn’t allowed on cruise ships?

Leeks

 

Where does Santa go on vacation?

Santa Cruz

 

The wife wanted to go on vacation, but her husband wanted a staycation so they compromised and had an altercation

 

Did you hear about the red cruise ship and the blue cruise ship that crashed into each other at sea?

All the survivors were marooned.

~~~~~~~~~~~

A man is standing on deck, gazing out at the water. As the ship passes a small remote island, he spots somebody. He squints to make out what he sees – a thin, straggly man with wild looking hair. He watches as the man runs from side to side, jumping up and down and waving his arms. 

The cruise passenger turns to the captain and says “What’s up with that guy?”

The captain shrugs and replies “I don’t know, but he’s sure excited to see us whenever we pass by.”

 

^^^^^^^

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I hate this time of year. My wife and I can never agree on the holidays," he complains to the bartender. "I want to travel to exotic places and stay in 5-star hotels."

"That sounds fun. What does she want to do?" the bartender asks.

"She wants to come with me," the guy replies.

>>>>> 

A group of Irish friends arrive on vacation in the Caribbean.

Being typical Irish, the first thing they do after checking in and dropping off their luggage is to find a nice-looking bar and get a drink. In the bar, they meet a group of attractive Nordic ladies, proceed to join tables and get to doing some serious drinking together.
A few rounds in, things are not going very well. The ladies seem to be slamming drinks one after the other without showing signs of slowing, while the gents' legs are starting to get weak. Now, the boys were very tired, and hungry after the flight, nobody can really blame them for a sub-par performance, but it's in front of ladies - it's damn shameful!
Eventually, they overdo it trying to compensate. Come morning, they all start waking up sprawled out on the floor and along the furniture, all in the room of the one who dragged them back to the hotel after the bar. They start rubbing their bloodshot eyes, and one by one begin recalling the embarrassment of the previous night, and feeling really sorry for themselves. Then the host of the room emerges from the bathroom, looking a little worse for wear, but overall still there.
He goes: "Not to worry, gents, I’ve made sure the good name of Ireland remains untarnished after the events of last night!"
His friend goes: "What, you out-drank them? That's great news!"
He replies: "No, that I could not do. But I told them we were all Scotts."

 

Here is a French accent joke:

A man from Florida is on vacation in France and looking for a souvenir

He decides to buy a shirt that he can show off when he golfs with his buddies back home, so he finds a golf store.
To his surprise, he finds a golf shirt with a picture of a gator on it! There's gator merchandise from France?? What a perfect shirt!
He checks the price tag and it's 100 €! Incensed, he asks the shopkeeper "Hey, why the hell does the tag on this shirt say 100 euro?"
The shopkeeper replies "Monsieur - that is Lacoste."

++++++

 

Two bankers were the only survivors when their cruise ship sank. They were both clinging to a single life preserver. One banker, knowing that his colleague couldn’t swim, says, “I think I can make it to shore to get help. Can you float alone?”

The other banker replies, “How can you talk business at a time like this?”

And finally

A young man is vacationing in Spain when he happens to wander into a pub populated entirely by tourists, most of whom are in the midst of playing some kind of trivia game.
The young man sits down at a vacant table and listens for a while, slowly realizing that the game is focused entirely on the many hotels, motels, and hostels that dot the country. It should be pretty boring, he thinks, but he ends up becoming more and more enthralled. Finally, after the thrilling finish of a round, the now-hooked traveler approaches the bartender.
“Hey,” he hurriedly says, “can I join the next game?”
The bartender arches a bushy eyebrow. “Really? Feeling swept up in the trivia?”
The young man nods. “I’m as surprised as you are, honestly. I wouldn’t have expected that I’d want to play so much.”
The bartender sighs and nods. “Nobody expects the Spanish Inn Quiz itch, son.”