Old Quotes JOW #1137

 My JOW has always depended on the kindness of, well not strangers, but friends.  Two of them provided me such quality input this week that I simply had to use them.   First, I have some Dad Jokes, because I have a weakness for such jokes, and then a series of quotes about life as we age.  I hope you enjoy these.

Ten Dad Jokes from Tor

1. Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?

In case they get a hole in one.

2. What do you call a factory that makes okay products?

A satisfactory.

3. Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?

He was just going through a stage.

4. What do sprinters eat before a race?

Nothing, they fast.

5. What do you call someone with no body and no nose?

Nobody knows.

6. That car looks nice but the muffler seems exhausted.

7. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity.

It’s impossible to put down.

8. Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?

He won the ‘no-bell’ prize.

9. What’s brown and sticky?

A stick.

10. What does a baby computer call his father?

Data.

 

Okay, here are the funny (to me at least) old quotes:

"To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except exercise, get up early, or be respectable." - Oscar Wilde 

"The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for." - Will Rogers 

 

"We must recognize that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis 

 

"Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci “

 

"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane

 

"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir 

 

"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane 

 

"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain 

 

"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." - Tom Wilson 

 

“I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed." – Unknown 

 

"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton 

 

"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot 

 

"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell 

 

"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers 

 

"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns 

 

"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault 

 

"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." – Unknown 

 

"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom 

 

“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney  

 

“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon 

 

“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino 

 

"You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." - John Mendoza 

 

"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin 

 

"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope 

 

"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer 

 

"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker 

 

"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." – Anonymous

 

“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns 

 

“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier 

 

"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien

 

"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein 

 

"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie 

 

"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner 

 

"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain 

 

"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett 

 

"There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure." - Dennis Wolfberg 

 

"At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for." – Unknown 

 

"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns 

 

"The idea is to die young as late as possible." - Ashley Montagu 

 

“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns 

 

"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns 

 

“Time is a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician” – Phyllis Diller

 

And finally

My wife gave me some of our kids old clothes and asked me donate them to kids that don't have any.
So I went around town asking people where I can find kids without any clothes.  For some reason I ended up being detained.