Cruising Along JOW #1136

 

We are safely back from our cruise around Great Britain.  A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single credit card.  We did have a wonderful holiday, but now it is back to the grueling routine of retirement.  In honor of our trip, I have a few cruising/vacation jokes.

>>>> 

My cabin steward was amazing.  I went to use the bathroom in the middle of the night and when I came out my bed had been made up again.

 

What did the therapist say to her husband after they got home from vacation?

There’s a lot to unpack here.

 

I just told my suitcases we aren't going on vacation this year

Now I'm dealing with emotional baggage

 

Do you have time for a joke about the world’s fastest cruise ship?

Don’t worry, it’s a quick one liner.

 

Why did the pirate go on vacation?

He felt like he needed some argh and argh

 

What keeps a dock floating above water?

Pier pressure.

 

Why are fast yachts like furniture stores?

Both always seem to have a sail on.

 

Noah’s Ark was the first couples only cruise.

 

The main point of a cruise is to eat until you weigh the same as the boat

 

You know what really floats my boat?  Archimedes’’ principle of relative buoyancy

 

What vegetable isn’t allowed on cruise ships?

Leeks

 

Where does Santa go on vacation?

Santa Cruz

 

The wife wanted to go on vacation, but her husband wanted a staycation so they compromised and had an altercation

 

Did you hear about the red cruise ship and the blue cruise ship that crashed into each other at sea?

All the survivors were marooned.

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A man is standing on deck, gazing out at the water. As the ship passes a small remote island, he spots somebody. He squints to make out what he sees – a thin, straggly man with wild looking hair. He watches as the man runs from side to side, jumping up and down and waving his arms. 

The cruise passenger turns to the captain and says “What’s up with that guy?”

The captain shrugs and replies “I don’t know, but he’s sure excited to see us whenever we pass by.”

 

^^^^^^^

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I hate this time of year. My wife and I can never agree on the holidays," he complains to the bartender. "I want to travel to exotic places and stay in 5-star hotels."

"That sounds fun. What does she want to do?" the bartender asks.

"She wants to come with me," the guy replies.

>>>>> 

A group of Irish friends arrive on vacation in the Caribbean.

Being typical Irish, the first thing they do after checking in and dropping off their luggage is to find a nice-looking bar and get a drink. In the bar, they meet a group of attractive Nordic ladies, proceed to join tables and get to doing some serious drinking together.
A few rounds in, things are not going very well. The ladies seem to be slamming drinks one after the other without showing signs of slowing, while the gents' legs are starting to get weak. Now, the boys were very tired, and hungry after the flight, nobody can really blame them for a sub-par performance, but it's in front of ladies - it's damn shameful!
Eventually, they overdo it trying to compensate. Come morning, they all start waking up sprawled out on the floor and along the furniture, all in the room of the one who dragged them back to the hotel after the bar. They start rubbing their bloodshot eyes, and one by one begin recalling the embarrassment of the previous night, and feeling really sorry for themselves. Then the host of the room emerges from the bathroom, looking a little worse for wear, but overall still there.
He goes: "Not to worry, gents, I’ve made sure the good name of Ireland remains untarnished after the events of last night!"
His friend goes: "What, you out-drank them? That's great news!"
He replies: "No, that I could not do. But I told them we were all Scotts."

 

Here is a French accent joke:

A man from Florida is on vacation in France and looking for a souvenir

He decides to buy a shirt that he can show off when he golfs with his buddies back home, so he finds a golf store.
To his surprise, he finds a golf shirt with a picture of a gator on it! There's gator merchandise from France?? What a perfect shirt!
He checks the price tag and it's 100 €! Incensed, he asks the shopkeeper "Hey, why the hell does the tag on this shirt say 100 euro?"
The shopkeeper replies "Monsieur - that is Lacoste."

++++++

 

Two bankers were the only survivors when their cruise ship sank. They were both clinging to a single life preserver. One banker, knowing that his colleague couldn’t swim, says, “I think I can make it to shore to get help. Can you float alone?”

The other banker replies, “How can you talk business at a time like this?”

And finally

A young man is vacationing in Spain when he happens to wander into a pub populated entirely by tourists, most of whom are in the midst of playing some kind of trivia game.
The young man sits down at a vacant table and listens for a while, slowly realizing that the game is focused entirely on the many hotels, motels, and hostels that dot the country. It should be pretty boring, he thinks, but he ends up becoming more and more enthralled. Finally, after the thrilling finish of a round, the now-hooked traveler approaches the bartender.
“Hey,” he hurriedly says, “can I join the next game?”
The bartender arches a bushy eyebrow. “Really? Feeling swept up in the trivia?”
The young man nods. “I’m as surprised as you are, honestly. I wouldn’t have expected that I’d want to play so much.”
The bartender sighs and nods. “Nobody expects the Spanish Inn Quiz itch, son.”