Disastrous JOW #1140

 One would think the world was being overwhelmed with disasters and catastrophes.  Of course, the world has ALWAYS had disasters, it is just that now, thanks to modern communications and hardworking journalists, we are able to see them all in our homes every night.  For some reason, these ‘emotion vampires’ think I am interested in the answer to, ‘How does losing your family in this tragic way make you feel?”   But there is always a spark of humor beneath the wreckage - one that probably ignites a fire the ultimately consumes the whole pile.  Still, disasters are my theme this week.  I hope you can see the humor in them.

 

Who is the only person who survives every disaster?

The network news camera man.

 

Most people’s disaster plans are to run around in circles shouting ‘what do we do?  What do we do?’

 

The US is having so many disasters and tragedies, you would almost think it was built on top of thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.

 

All of the world's natural disaster met to decide which one was the worst.

Avalanche won by a landslide.

 

I got drunk and to impress a girl, I swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.

My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

 

Experts are predicting a natural disaster so severe that only the rich and powerful will survive.

 

Of course, the wealthy can afford to have an underground bunker filled with essential supplies; they call it a ‘wine cellar’.

 

My relationship with the time traveling girl was a complete disaster.

It was over even before it began.

 

A ginger tomcat won overall best in the cat show. It was a cat-has-trophy.

 

Rumor has it there is a cult that worships Earth as a deity and sees earthquakes are messages from Mother Gaia.

It's called The Order of Magnitude.

 

Goya unsuccessfully tried to cover up a disaster at one of their factories

Someone spilled the beans.

 

Did you hear about the Binary disaster?  No One survived.

 

My idea of starting a professional Hide and Seek tournament was a total disaster.

Good players are hard to find.

 

Here are some non-disaster jokes.

 

A principal heard a teacher screaming in his class so he went to ask what was happening.
The teacher told him "I can't continue doing this anymore.  I am trying to teach them history but they seem completely ignorant.  Let me show you.” The teacher called on a student and asked him, "Who killed Abraham Lincoln."
The student was terrified, "I swear it wasn't me, I never even met him."
He turned to the principal and told him, "What do you think about that?"
The principal was shocked, "Are you sure the killer is in this class?"

>>>> 

I worked for the suicide hotline once, but it didn’t work out.

Five people called me on the first day, and they all killed themselves.
And three of those were wrong numbers.

^^^^

A man dies suddenly and shows up in heaven.  When he gets there, he sees an angel sitting down at a desk with a book. "What's your name, and how did you die?" The angel asks.

"Rick Thomson, and I fell down my stairs." the man replies.
The angel flips through the book and then looks back up to Rick. "It looks like it isn't your time to die just yet." the angel explains, "Shall I send you back?"

“Sure”’ Rick agrees.
Back on Earth, Rick finds himself fully healed at the bottom of the stairs. He takes a minute to compose himself before going outside to work, only to immediately get run over by a car.
"*Now* it's your time to die" The angel says.

___

My wife came home with an escalator yesterday…she said it was marked down…

+++

When I was in high school in the ’70s, my Dad said he’d just heard my favorite group on the radio, Carrying Grain. The band’s name was Hall & Oates

>>>> 

An actuary is flexible; they are either right, or can prove it to be so.

=====

When I got home, I realized I'd accidentally bought a thesaurus. As you can understand, I was pretty crushed... upset... disappointed... vexed... disconcerted.

<<<< 

An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels.

The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

Finally, back to the disaster theme.

Never in his 40 years of life had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived he did not know. He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 12-year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding Danny kept him from turning and fleeing the scene.
He took a deep breath and proceeded. Walking was virtually impossible with so many things strewn across his path. He moved ahead slowly. "Danny! Danny!" he called out. He tripped and almost fell several times.
He heard someone, or something, move. At least he thought he did. Perhaps, he was just hoping he did. He shook his head and felt his gut tighten. He couldn't understand how this could have happened. There was some light but not enough to see very much. Something cold and wet brushed against his hand. He jerked it away. In desperation, he took another step then cried out, "Danny!"
From a nearby pile of unidentified material, he heard his son. "Yes, Dad," he said, in a voice so weak it could hardly be heard.
"It's time to get up and get ready for school," the man sighed, "and, for heaven's sake, clean up this room."