Another Old JOW #1150

I am returning to a familiar theme this week, the elderly.  I can relate.  If my body were a car, I would trade it for a newer model.  Every time I cough, sputter, or sneeze, my radiator leaks and my exhaust backfires.  As a ‘special treat’ I am also including a section on everyone’s favorite insect the dung beetle.  I hope these give you some amusement.

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There are four stages of old age:

You forget names. Then you forget faces. Next, you forget to zip up. And finally, you forget to zip down.

 

I changed my password to ‘incorrect’.  That way if I forget my password the computer will remind me – “Your password is incorrect.”

 

Pastry chefs know that old age crepes up on you.

 

“This is your great-grandma and great grandpa,” the old man told his grandson as he handed him a photo of his parents. “Do you think I look like them?”

He shook his head. “Not yet.”

 

Out bicycling one day with her granddaughter, a grandma got a little wistful. "In ten years," she said, "you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now."
Carolyn shrugged. "In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway."

 

When the new activities director for the rec center walked in, the retirees quickly took notice. She was 20-something, statuesque, and gorgeous.

One old guy whispered, “She makes me wish I was 30 years older.”

“Don’t you mean 30 years younger?” I asked.

“No. If I were 30 years younger, I’d still never have a chance with a woman like that. If I were 30 years older, it wouldn’t bother me so much.”

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Two old friends got into a beef that quickly grew heated.  Finally, one of them declared, "That does it! I'm taking you off my pallbearer list!"

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What was the radioactive older woman’s superpower?

Gramma rays.

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I have no respect for gangs today. They just drive by and shoot people. At least in the old days, like in West Side Story, the gangs used to dance with each other first.

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A nurse friend of mine took a 104-year-old patient for a walk in the hospital corridor. When she got him back to his room and sat him down, he took a deep breath and announced, "That was great! I don't feel a day over 100!"

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After booking my 102-year-old mother-in-law on a flight from Texas to Colorado, I called the airline to go over her needs. The woman representative listened patiently as I requested a wheelchair and an attendant for my mother because of her arthritis and impaired vision. I also asked for a special meal and assistance in changing planes.
My apprehension lightened a bit when the woman assured me everything would be taken care of. I thanked her profusely.
"Why, you're welcome," she replied. I was about to hang up when she cheerfully asked, "And will your mother-in-law be needing a rental car?"

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The orthopedic specialist had to make arrangements for an elderly patient with spinal arthritis to have a special injection. Two days later, the patient called us, concerned that he had missed our call because of his poor hearing. "I can barely hear, barely see and barely walk," he told them.
Then he added cheerfully, "Things could be worse, though. At least I can still drive."

 

·         The good thing about having a bad memory is that jokes can be funny more than once.

 

·         The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

 

·         I’m not hard of hearing I’ve just heard enough.

 

·         Nowadays ‘doing crunchies’ means eating potato chips.

 

·         They say with age comes wisdom.  Well, apparently that age weights about fifty pounds.

 

·         I am back to the Stone Age.  Gall stone, Kidney stones, bladder stones.

 

·         My fat cells must have accepted Jesus as their lord and savior because they seem to have eternal life.

 

 

Enough with the old people jokes.

 

Patient: “Doctor, you have to help me, I think I can see in the future.”

Doctor: “When did you start having this power?” 

Patient: “Next Friday.”

 

What do you call someone with no body and no nose?

Nobody knows.

 

I lost track of time last night and burned dinner.  It’s my way of burning calories.

 

What do you call bears with no ears?

B–.

 

What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

They have the same middle name.

 

I told my physical therapist I broke my arm in two places.

He told me to stop going to those places.

   

I was watching a nature show (again) and watched some footage on the dung beetle, a little bug that rolls up big balls of manure to its nest to feed its offspring.  The balls can be relatively large compared to the little bug which gives it a Sisyphus-like vibe.  They also are pretty funny.

Dung beetle apps

Fecesbook

Dung n donuts

Snap Scat

Pooper Eats

 

A dung beetle walks into a bar and says, “Excuse me, is this stool taken?”

 

Two dung beetles go out for lunch

They went into a restaurant and came out five minutes later.
They went into another place and as they're eating, one says "this is good sh1t"!
The other replies, "Yeah, that last place was crap".

 

Why do we always see a Dung Beetle with a ball of sh1t?

Because that's how he rolls.

 

Two dung beetles meet

The first one asks; “How’s it going?”
The second replies; “Same sh1t, different day.”

 

Why did the Dung Beetle quit work?

He was all pooped out!

 

Whenever a dung beetle goes out for fast food they always order a Number 2.

 

And finally, as is my wont, an off-topic joke to finish things out.

A businessman boarded a flight from New York to Miami and found a young woman seated next to him wearing a large diamond ring. During the flight, he asked her about the ring.

“It is the Klopman diamond, but it comes with a terrible curse,” she said. 

“What’s the curse,” he asked. She replied, “Mr. Klopman.”