My jokes this week are
centered on generally scientific things; not for any particular reason, just
because. Still, I think these are pretty
amusing; I hope you enjoy them.,
Two reasons why it is a
bad idea to major in physics
The
math is hard
You’ll
never enjoy action movies again as you will notice the wrong physics.
I understand that movies
cannot replicate reality; I am dismayed that there are lots of people who get
their history and science education from watching movies. There are lots of differences. Here are some examples.
“Professor, either you let
me do my research my way or I quit.”
Movie – I’ll agree because
you are clearly a misunderstood, scruffy-looking genus.
Reality – Okay. Close the door on the way out.
“We need you to replicate
this top-secret research.”
Movie – Give me an hour
and I can do it better
Reality – Replicate? I can barely understand the writing. The
graphs have no legend. It has no
experimental context at all.
“How long will the process
take?”
Movie –A week.
What if I double your fee?
I can have it tomorrow.
Reality - How long will
the process take?
A week.
What if I double your fee?
A week.
Some idle thoughts:
I wonder, did Batman and
Robin ever just sit around and shoot the guano?
The asteroid that ended
the dinosaurs still holds the record for killing the most birds with one stone.
When the scientist had
twins - she baptized one and kept the other as a control.
Have you heard that
entropy isn’t what it used to be?
There’s a new theory on
inertia, but it doesn’t seem to be gaining momentum.
Why is quantum mechanics
the original “original hipster”?
It described the universe before it was cool.
Some chemistry jokes
I was going to tell a joke
about sodium, but Na.
If you’re not part of the
solution, you’re part of the precipitate.
There are only bad science
jokes left.
All the good ones argon.
What do you do with a sick
chemist?
If you can’t helium, and you can’t curium, then you might as well barium.
Teen 1: Did you hear
oxygen and magnesium got together??
Teen 2: OMg!
Famous last words from
chemists:
1) “And now the taste
test…”
2) “And now shake it a
bit…”
3) “In which glass was my
mineral water?”
4) “This is a completely
safe experimental setup.”
5) “Now you can take the
protection window away…”
`````````
And think about the
differences in three temperature scales.
On a 1-100 degree scale.
In
Fahrenheit it goes from really cold outside to hot outside.
In
Celsius, pretty cold outside to dead
In
Kelvin, dead at both ends.
Swedish astronomer Anders Celsius
died in 1744 aged 43 although his rival Fahrenheit was convinced he was really
109.
A few riddles:
What do you call an acid
with a bad attitude?
A mean oh acid
Why did the bacteria fail
the math test?
He thought multiplication was the same as division.
Why don’t aliens visit our
Solar System?
They read the reviews – just one star.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An infectious disease
walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve your kind here.”
It replies, “Well, you’re not a very good host.”
Two tectonic plates walk
into a bar. One bumps into another and
says, “Sorry, my fault.”
Do you know the name
Pavlov?
It rings a bell.
There is a new dog hair washing
product out there called Pavlov. It’s a
conditioner.
What kind of dog does a
scientist have?
A lab.
The earth is 70% water.
And that water is uncarbonated. So
technically it’s flat.
Is two a lot?
Lots of things depend on
the context – two dollars? No. Nobel
Prizes? Yes.
An infectious disease
walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve your kind here.”
It replies, “Well, you’re not a very good host.”
An optimist sees a glass
half full
A pessimist sees a glass
half empty.
A chemist sees a glass
half full of liquid and half full of air.
The engineer sees a glass
two times too large.
I see a glass than could
use a refill.
Hallmark channel – ‘Love
is in the air.’
Scientist – “No it isn’t. It’s
mostly Nitrogen, Oxygen, and Carbon Dioxide.
“Dad, will I ever have to
use math?”
“Sure, son. One day you will have to help your own child
with math homework.”
If self-driving cars become
the norm, when drivers have heart attacks they won’t crash, the corpse will
just show up peacefully at its destination until someone notices.
Have you ever thought
about the inventor of the first clock explaining time to his friends?
Inventor – Here is the face
of my clock. There are twelve numbers on
it.
Friend – So the day will
be divided into twelve segments.
Inventor – No, twenty four
Friend – So the day will
start at one?
Inventor – No, the day
will start at twelve. Which is at night.
And the six really means thirty.
And finally
In 1957, the BBC aired a
short documentary about a mild winter leading to a bumper Swiss spaghetti crop
in the town of Ticino. In a dry, distinguished tone, BBC narrated how even in
the last few weeks of March, the spaghetti farmers worry about a late frost,
which might not destroy the pasta crop but could damage the flavor and hurt
prices. The narration accompanies film footage of a rural family harvesting
long spaghetti noodles from trees and laying them out to dry “in the warm
Alpine sun.”
Naturally, the hundreds of
people who called the BBC asking where they could get their own spaghetti
bushes hadn’t noticed the air date of the news clip: April 1st.
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