Royal JOW #1148

 The lamented passing of Queen Elizabeth has focused the world’s attention on the Royal Family.  So with things royal on my mind, I came up with some royalty-based jokes.  I hope you enjoy them.

 

Here is a true story that is characteristic of the late Queen.

The Queen and her protection officer, PPO, were walking through the park in Balmoral.

As they walked they were approached by an older American couple. “Afternoon, isn’t it lovely here, do you come often?”
“As I matter of fact I live nearby actually.” replied her majesty as her PPO shifted uncomfortably.
“Wow, have you ever met the Queen?!” asked the eager tourists.
“No I haven’t, but this man has a few times” responded the Queen.
“Oh wow, what’s she like?!” The couple asked.
“Well…she’s a wonderful woman with a fantastic sense of duty” replied the PPO. “She can be a bit cantankerous at times” he added as he felt more comfortable with the joke.
The couple then ask the Queen for a photo with PPO and she obliges (!). As they are saying goodbye they agree to a picture with the Queen as suggested by the PPO.
Apparently the Queen and PPO had a good laugh as they walked back to the castle wondering what the couples’ friends will say when they show them a picture of the man who met the Queen and the old lady he was with.

 

Oscar Wilde once boasted that he could make a pun on any subject...

Someone called out "The Queen!"
"Ah", replied Wilde, "but the Queen is not a subject."

 

For some reason there are lots of scatological jokes about royalty.  I suppose it is for the surprise factor.  I will limit myself to three flatulence jokes.

If the Queen accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened.

Noble gases should have no reaction.

****

The Queen farted and quickly looked for someone else to blame.

"Bidwell!" she shouted to a servant, "stop that this instant!"
"Of course, your majesty," he replied. "Which way did it go?"

<<<< 

What happens when the Queen is done visiting the toilet?

A Royal Flush.

===

President Ronald Regan was once invited to visit by Queen Elizabeth. Both of them were riding in the Queen's horse-driven carriage when one of the horses farted.
Embarrassed by the horse's toot, the Queen apologizes to Indira Gandhi, "I'm sorry," she said.
Regan replied, "Oh that's okay. But I thought it was the horse!"

Some general royalty jokes:

What do you call it if a king and queen have no children?

A receding heir line.

~~~~

What do you call a person whose wife was the Queen, daughter is a Princess and his boss is the Emperor, but he himself is no royal?

Darth Vader.

If Dairy Queen and Burger King had a baby, what do you call it?

Restaurants can't have sex.

`````

What did the King say when the Queen gifted him a Fool for his birthday

"I've no use for one of these... But it was a nice jester"

>>> 

Q: What is a royal pardon?
A: What a Queen says after she burps.

<<<<< 

What kind of fee does the Queen of England charge when she knights someone?

A sir charge

+++

My friend is so successful, he does surgery, is a military general, and he was recently knighted by the Queen of England.

We call him Sir Gen

====

The male bees were unhappy with their lot.

So they decided to stop fertilizing the Queen. They had the usual demands: larger honey rations, shorter hours, etc. The worker bees tried to negotiate, but it was too late, and the hive never recovered. Thus it became the first beehive destroyed in a drone strike.

****

The King was leaving his castle and going to battle.   He locks his the beautiful Queen in a room and gave the key to his best friend, telling him: I have locked the Queen up to keep her safe. If am not back from the battle within four days, open the room and she is yours.
He mounted his horse and headed out to battle. Half an hour later he noticed a dust cloud coming up behind him.  It is his friend riding to overtake him.
"What's wrong?" King asks.
Out of breath, his friend answers, "It is the wrong key!"

……

Saudi Arabia banned chess, calling it a disruptive game

The reasons are:
1. The Queen doesn't wear a burkha.
2. The Queen roams freely wherever she wants to.
3. The Queen is more powerful than the King.
4. The Queen goes alone to opponent's territory.
5. Most importantly, there's only one Queen.

 

And here are few ‘non-royal’ jokes to end things up.

Why don’t pirates take a shower before they walk the plank?

They just wash up on shore.

 

One of the oddities of Wall Street is that it is the dealer and not the customer who is called broker.

…

Two racehorses are in a stable. One says to the other, “You know, before that last race…”

“The one that you won?” asks the other horse.

“Yeah, before that race, I felt a pinch in my hindquarters.  And soon after I felt really fast.”

The other horse says, “Funny, I felt a pinch in my hindquarters before the race that I won.”

A dog walking by says, “You idiots, you’re being doped. They’re injecting you with a drug to make you run faster!”

The first horse turns to the other and says, “Hey, a talking dog!”