It is getting to be Halloween/Fall Festival/Dia de Muertos season. I know a lot of topical jokes for the season, but most of them are just bad riddles. I do have a few jokes for you in that genre before I shift to some short jokes I found funny. I got a few responses to my request last week to forward things that are passed from the scene. These were all car related
- Stick shifts
- Manual window cranks
- The little wedge-shaped windows in the front windows.
- Radios with push buttons for presets as the only ‘sound system’.
- Paper maps.
An old witch showed up on her broom only to
find all the young witches riding vacuum cleaners.
“What’s the matter? Can’t any of you girls drive a stick?”
To which the Millennial witches replied, “Okay,
Broomer.”
----
A redneck's father passed
away in his sleep. So in the morning, he calls 911 to come pick up the body.
The 911 operator told him that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
He replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?
There was a long pause and finally he said, "How 'bout if I drag him over
to Oak Street and you pick him up there?"
++++
There is a skeleton in our
neighborhood who always knows that something bad might happen way before it
actually happens. He has actually become quite famous and when a TV crew
interviewed about the reason behind this ability, the skeleton finally
disclosed his secret: he could feel the bad vibes in his bones.
~~~~
The historians had
gathered for a party in Cairo after they had discovered a new mummy. The
discovered mummy, on display at the party hall, suddenly woke up. Seeing the
historians alarmed, the mummy said that he just wanted to listen to some music.
The mummy said, "Please don't play jazz because my trom-bones are in a
very bad shape. Could someone please put on some wrap music?"
>>>>
A mosquito went into a
clinic. The doctor saw him and asked him what the matter was. The mosquito said
that he had a lot of problems; he was not happy with his life, he was not happy
with the job he was doing. He was sad and had no motivation. The doctor
listened to his problems and told him that he should really visit a therapist
instead of a doctor. The mosquito replied, "Yeah, I know. I just came in
because of the blood."
^^^^
I went to this haunted
house for exploration. It was near the forest so the local guide warned me that
I might find some animals there. Sure enough, there was a panda. When I offered
it some food, I was taken aback because it suddenly started talking. Turned out
that it was a ghost panda and it only ate bam-booooo!
`````
A teenager brings her new
boyfriend home to meet her parents. They’re appalled by his haircut, his
tattoos, and his piercings.
Later, the girl’s mom
says, “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.”
“Oh, please, Mom!” says
the daughter. “If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community
service?”
===
Even though I no longer smoke pot I like hanging
out with friends who do.
They always have the best snacks.
Scientists have determined that if you drink
more water, you will live longer.
But the extra time is spent peeing.
What is it called when a chameleon can no
longer change colors?
A reptile dysfunction.
Once you throw a paper airplane it's no
longer.
Stationery
What’s a movie whose title got deeper the
longer you watched?
The Titanic.
Autocorrect can go straight to he’ll.
I finally realized I could no longer keep my
broken money making machine.
It just didn't make cents.
I asked a friend in Seattle if he could make a
comparison between Washington and Florida.
He shrugged. “Apples and oranges.”
At my age I can no longer function without my
glasses.
Especially when they are empty.
Life is like a nice, hot, bath.
The longer you're in it, the more wrinkles
you'll get.
How many Apple engineers does it take to
change a lightbulb?
None. They no longer make that socket, you
just buy a new house.
Why do trolls no longer live under bridges,
but instead live above them?
They get a better signal.
Have you ever seen how ducks fly in a
"V" shape and one side is longer than the other? Do you know why that
is?
It's because there's more ducks on that side.
Do twins ever realize that one of them is
unplanned?
I've always wanted to make a joke about a
herb. I will put it off no longer!
It is about thyme.
I'm not allowed to make shortbread any longer.
Because then it would be longbread.
The word "swims" upside-down is
still "swims".
If you replace "W" with
"T" in "What, Where and When", you get the answer to each
of them.
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped
down his father's cherry tree, but he also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know
why he his father didn't punish him?
LOUIE: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
And finally
A worker in Russia has been standing in a
liquor line for hours. He grows tired of
waiting around for so long, so he suddenly says to his friends around him
“That’s it, I cannot take this anymore, please hold my place in line, I am
going to shoot Putin.” They agree to hold his place and he walks off hastily.
Two hours later the worker returns. One of his friends asks him “Well, did
you do it?” The worker says, “No, the line there was much longer than the line
here.”
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