Tardy JOW #1151

This JOW is late.  About ten days late as I did not submit one last week.  We were on the road and I was having too much fun.  I have assembled some relatively longer jokes this week; too many jokes these days are brusque one-liners.  I am going to start with a couple of jokes about some old jokes.

 

A Horse Walks into a Bar... He approaches the bartender and says, "If there is a triangle with three sides labeled x, y, and z, and x and z are perpendicular to each other, which side is the hypotenuse?"
The bartender thinks for a moment, then replies, "Y, the long face."

 

A bear walks into a bar... The bartender is extremely busy and looks tired. He eventually makes his way over to the bear.
The bear immediately tells him, "You look exhausted."
"Yeah, it's been a rough day," says the bartender, "What are you drinking?"
"I'll have a glass of...” says the bear. He waits a painfully long moment before finishing, "...scotch."
"Why the long face?” asks the bartender.
"Don't you mean big pause?” asks the bear.
"Yeah, sorry. Like I said, it's been a rough day."

Two grammar jokes

As a group of robbers entered the bank, their leader went to the manager and asked him to open the vault. He threatened the manager by saying, "If you try to do anything smart, you're fiction."

The manager was confused and asked him, "Don't you mean 'You are history'?"

The robber angrily replied back, "Do not change the subject, okay?"

+++

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!
Man, that sentence was way too long.

---

 

A fellow was walking along a country road when he came upon a farmer working in his field. The man called out to the farmer, "How long will it take me to get to the next town?"
The farmer didn't answer. The guy waited a bit and then started walking again. After the man had gone about a hundred yards, the farmer yelled out "About 20 minutes!"
"Thank you. But why didn't you tell me that when I asked you?"
"Didn't know how fast you could walk".

====

The wife and her husband took a long, leisurely drive out to the country and pulled over to fill up the car's gas tank and tires... She was surprised to see that the station had a fee to fill the tires and asked him, "Why in the world do they charge for AIR?!"
He responded, "Inflation."

~~~~~

After a prolonged drought when the rain came, all the animals in the forest were happy except the Kangaroo. When the others asked her what the reason was for such sadness, the Kangaroo revealed that the rain meant that all her kids would now be playing inside.

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My daughter brought a friend from school and she said his great-great-great-great-grandfather was coming to pick him up later. I was impressed and asked: "Does he know how his so many greats grandfather lived for so long?"
My daughter answered: "It's because of my friend's stutter."

***

A boy read a restaurant sign that advertised fat-free French fries.
“Sounds great,” said the health-conscious boy. He ordered some. He watched as the cook pulled a basket of fries from the fryer. The potatoes were dripping with oil when the cook put them into the container.
“Wait a minute,” the boy said. “Those don’t look fat-free.”
“Sure they are,” the cook said. “We charge only for the potatoes.”

>>> 

Traveling recently, I stopped at a state welcome center to pick up a state map. I found plenty of brochures but no maps. Then I spotted two employees and asked whether they had any.

“Sure,” said the first guy. “I’ll get you one.” As he walked to the back, the second guy explained, “We keep them in the storage room. If we leave them out on the counter, people just come in and take them.” 

<<<< 

Two young salmon are swimming along one day. As they do, they are passed by a wiser, older fish coming the other way. The wiser fish greets the two as he passes, saying, "Morning, boys! How's the water?"
The other two continue to swim in silence for a little while, until the first one turns to the other and asks, "What the hell is water?"

___

After 5 long years of studying, a student comes rushing into Einstein's office shouting...
"Sir, Sir, I finally understand your theory of Special Relativity!"
Einstein rolls his eyes, "It's about time".

`````

A man was overly excited to fly for the first time...

As he sat in his seat, he could contain his excitement no longer and began saying "Boeing! Boeing! Boeing!" over and over again.
Irritated, a stewardess comes over to him and says "Be silent!"
The man nods, and continues "Oeing, Oeing, Oeing..."

And finally, a philosophical joke that may make you think.

A climber fell off a cliff, and, as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch. "Help! Is there anybody up there?" he shouted.
A majestic voice boomed through the gorge:
"I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me."
"Yes, yes, I trust you!” cried the man.
"Let go of the branch", boomed the voice.
There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again, "Is there anybody else up there?"