Chuckie's JOW #1177

 I thought it was time to do a few Chuck Norris jokes.  Believe it or not, there are people who do not know who Chuck Norris is.  This is understandable; the martial arts ‘actor’ is in his 80’s now. And he can still deliver a roundhouse kick to your head.  The man may be old but his legend continues.

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·         When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

·         Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

·         Chuck Norris makes onions cry.

·         Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

·         Chuck Norris told a joke about Will Smith’s wife; Will Smith slapped himself.

·         Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris.

·         Chuck Norris can speak Braille.

·         Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

·         Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.

·         Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

·         Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

·         Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

·         Chuck Norris really can get chicken from a tuna can.

·         Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

·         Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

·         If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

·         If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.

·         Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

·         When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.

·         Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris undies.

·         Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

·         If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all three at the same time? Chuck Norris.

 

A few first person jokes

A Canadian successfully sued Red Bull for not actually giving him wings.  There is another law suit against Smart Water for not making a man smarter.  I am currently preparing my suit against Thin Mints.

 

Every now and then I try to fornicate a large word into a conversation even if I am not sure what it means.

 

The furniture sales man said the sofa would seat four people with no problems.  Unfortunately I don’t know four people without any problems.

 

Spring is here. I so excited I wet my plants.

 

I recently heard about his novel where Schrodinger’s cat and Pavlov’s dog team up to go on a cross country adventure.  I headed down to the library and asked the librarian for a copy. 

She said that the name rang a bell but she wasn’t sure if it was there or not.

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A priest, a rabbit and a minister walk into the bar.

The bartender asks the rabbit what he wanted.

“I don’t know,” replied the rabbit, “I’m only here because of autocorrect.”

 

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?” “Why?” “Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”

 

Sometimes when you cry, no one sees your tears.

Sometimes when you are sad, no one sees your sorrow.

Sometimes when you hurt, no one sees your pain.

But fart one time….

 

And finally, a bit of inclusively national humor:

An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguan, an Argentine, an Armenian, and Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Englishman, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, an Ulsterman, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub...

The doorman stops them and says “Sorry I can’t let you in without a Thai.”