Poetical JOW #1176

 

I try to vary my jokes as much for my amusement as yours.  So this week I have a bunch of entertaining poems that I thought were funny, followed by a few more conventional jokes.  I hope you enjoy them.

 

A farmer writing Romance Novels:

Her body tensed and quivered as she felt wave after wave surge through her body.

‘I probably should have told her about that electric fence’ Paul thought.

 

Poems

 

You don't have to live forever to become a grandpa,

but if you do want to live forever,
Don't try to be clever;
If you wish to reach the end of the trail with an uncut throat,
Don't go around saying 

Quote

I don't mind being a grandpa but I
hate being married to a gramma 

Unquote.

>>> 

Senescence begins
And middle age ends
The day your descendants
Outnumber your friends.

 

Some simple love poems

More than a catbird hates a cat,
Or a criminal hates a clue,
Or Putin hates the United States,
That's how much I love you.

^^^^^

Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.

Some kid poems

An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored — how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.

~~~~

A centipede was happy quite,
Until a frog in fun
Said, “Pray, which leg comes after which?”
This raised her mind to such a pitch,
She lay distracted in the ditch
Considering how to run.

``````

When I was One,
I had just begun.
When I was Two,
I was nearly new.
When I was Three
I was hardly me.
When I was Four,
I was not much more.
When I was Five,
I was just alive.
But now I am Six,
I'm as clever as clever,
So I think I'll be six now for ever and ever.

-          A.A Milne

-           

I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.

The funniest thing about him is the way he likes to grow—
Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
For he sometimes shoots up taller like an India-rubber ball,
And he sometimes gets so little that there’s none of him at all.

-          Robert Lewis Stevenson

 

Bacon is red

Bacon is rough

One piece of bacon

Is never enough.

-          Homer Simpson

****

I didn't go to church today,
I trust the Lord to understand.
The surf was swirling blue and white,
The children swirling on the sand.
He knows, He knows how brief my stay,
How brief this spell of summer weather,
He knows when I am said and done
We'll have plenty of time together.

---

There is something about an old-fashioned
When dusk has enveloped the sky
And it may the ice,
Or the maraschino slice,
But I strongly suspect it’s the rye.

Limericks are fun, especially the obscene ones (which are most of them) this one is clean_

A funny young fellow named Perkins
Was terribly fond of small gherkins.
One day after tea
He ate ninety three
And pickled his internal workings.

 

Enough with the poems.  Here are some semi-intellectual jokes.

A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.

 

A mathematician wanders back home at 3 a.m. and proceeds to get an earful from his wife.

“You’re late!” she yells. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”

“Actually,” the mathematician replies coolly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”

 

How do mathematicians scold their children?

“If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times…”

 

What did the DNA say to the other DNA?

Do these genes make me look fat?

 

A sign at a music shop:

“Gone chopin. Bach in a minuet.”

 

C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.

The bartender shows them the door and says, “Sorry, we don’t serve minors.”

 

Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and totally destroyed everything!

 

A pun, a play on words, and a limerick walk into a bar.

No joke.

 

Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can’t do this – I’m a US Congressman!"

"In that case," replied the robber, "Give me MY money!"

 

And finally… (and yes, ‘booked’ is a euphemism)

 

A priest and a travel agent were participating in a TV game show. After answering all the questions, they were tied, so both are given one final assignment: write a poem in three minutes, using the word "Timbuktu"; the city in Africa.

The priest returns with the fruit of his inspiration:

“I was a wanderer all my life, I had no children, had no wife, I read the bible through and through on my way to Timbuktu."

The poem makes a great impression, and the priest smelled victory. But then comes the travel agent, with his winning masterpiece:

"When Tim and I to Brisbane went we met three women cheap to rent. They were three and we were two, So I booked one and Tim Booked Two. "