Tri Harder JOW #1179

Getting old requires medical procedures.  As an old Florida boy who spent a lot of time in the sun, my skin has suffered some damage over the years.  My dermatologist gave me some topical cream to remove all the cancerous and precancerous cells – it leaves the healthy cells alone and just goes from the bad ones.  Well, apparently I had a lot those cells on my face just waiting to turn on me.  I now look like –to use comic book analogies – a cross between Red Skull and Dead Pool (without the mask).  It was sort of like getting a really bad sunburn on my face.  It is not a pretty sight; I almost dropped my toothbrush when I saw my reflection in the mirror the other morning.

The related discomfort prevented me from watching the national Ironman triathlon competition which is held in The Woodlands.  Ironmen compete in a grueling distance competition which involves long distance swimming, biking, and running.  Why excel in one event when you can torture yourself with three?  People get obsessed with the event.  If a vegan triathlete walked into a party, I imagine he would be torn about what to tell people about first? The best I have ever done in an Ironman competition was finishing 23 shirts in half an hour. 

In the days before the event, people show up with bikes that double the price of their car when they put their bike on the bike rack.  If you are going to go to all that effort why skimp on the equipment?  Some triathletes claim to have carbon fiber shoelaces.  I have a few jokes and observations about triathlons before once again devolving into unrelated jokes before ending with some Marvelous ones.  Enjoy.

 

Iron man competition: First you swim, then you bike, then you run….out of money. 

 

Triathlons – because if it was easy it would be called golf.

 

Triathlons require strength, stamina, and a lack of good judgement.

 

A mere triathlon is not enough for some. They want to swim with bricks in their hands, do the ride on a unicycle, and run the marathon barefoot.

Of course they could do the race in a hurricane.  That way they could do the run and swim at the same time.

 

What would you get if you crossed a triathlete and the Invisible Man?  Swimming, biking, and running like no one has ever seen.

 

Where do triathletes go to get a new uniform top? New Jersey

 

Hippos can run faster than humans on land and swim faster in water.

But still you can defeat them in a triathlon as they don't know how to ride a bicycle.

 

Some guys tried to keep up with Chuck Norris’ workout while he was vacationing in Hawaii.  That’s how the Ironman was created.

 

~~~~~~

People at the gym ask me why I am sitting still on a stationary bike.  I tell them because I am going downhill.

 

There is a bike there that keeps running over me.  It is a vicious cycle.

 

The only thing the Flat Earth Society fears is sphere itself

 

Accordion to recent studies over 90% of people do not realize I replaced the beginning word of this sentence with an instrument.  You have my symphony

 

Did you know if you replace potato chips with grapefruit as a snack you can lose up to 90% of what little joy you have left in life?

 

As I shifted my car into reverse, I thought, ‘this really takes me back.’

 

Nothing tops a plain pizza.

 

What’s the big deal about making plants taste like meat? Cows have been doing that for like forever.

 

Winter tip: Never make snow angels in a dog park.

 

I have been touting the benefits of dried grapes by raisin awareness

 

A went out to get a mussel from the beach before the hurricane came in.  It was the clam before the storm’

 

Be careful when digging for clams.  You might pull a mussel

 

Hamburger helper only works if the hamburger wants to be helped.

 

Velociraptor = Distanceraptor over Timeraptor

 

They held a competition for snow plow names in Minnesota.  Here are some examples:

Yer a Blizzard Harry

Blizzo

Clearapathra

Better Call Salt

Sleetwood Mac

Taylor Drift

Sir Plows a Lot

And the ever popular

Plowie McPlowface

 

Notice to people who only type in lower case.

We are the difference between ‘helping your uncle Jack off a horse’ and helping your uncle jack off a horse.’

Thank you,

Capital Letters.

 

Some Marvelous jokes

What's the difference between Iron Man and Aluminum Man?"

Iron man stops bad guys. Aluminum man foils their plans.

 

What's it called when Iron Man makes a tire?

A ferrous-wheel

 

What is Iron Man when he removes his suit?

Stark naked.

 

Captain America, Thor, Iron Man and Hulk walk into IKEA...

Avengers... Assemble

 

Why did the Avengers trust Thor to cover their backs?

Because he is an Asgardian.

 

If Iron man and Silver surfer teamed up they would be Alloys.

 

Heard a rumor that Iron Man is going to be the newest Disney Princess.  They're always on the lookout for a strong Fe male character.

 

Of course, the ‘real’ Iron Man is Ferrous Bueller.

And to wrap it up:

Two co-workers were talking.   

"If Batman, who is a regular human but with gadgets, teamed up with Superman, who has supernatural powers, and they fought against Iron Man, another regular human with gadgets, who teamed up with Thor, who has super powers, who would be the winners?"

"Your parents when you move out."