Grammatic JOW #1210

 I do love words and even grammar.  When I was writing my books, I was shocked at how flexible the ‘rules’ of grammar actually are.  Two of my editors got into long email ‘comma wars’ on the use of that bit of punctuation.  I have a bunch of spelling/grammar/word puzzles this week.  Most have the answer provided but if you don’t get them, let me know.  I am an old retiree who loves to get email questions.  I hope you enjoy these mostly quick word jokes.

 

We are in for a bad spell of weather with hale, rane, litening, and thundre.

 

Incorrectly is the only word that when spelled right is still spelled incorrectly

 

Why do apostrophes and commas look like sperm cells?  They interrupt periods and create contractions.

 

What's a quiet Hawaiian laugh? Aloha

 

How do you compare a state like Washington and one like Florida?  They are like apples and oranges.”

 

There's a guy in town who walks around talking to himself using only figurative language. We call him the Village Idiom

 

While reviewing future, past, and present tenses with her English class, an older teacher posed this question: “‘I am beautiful’ is what tense?”

One student raised her hand. “Past tense.”

 

Therapist: I’ve concluded that you are incapable of describing your feelings.

Patient: I can’t say that I am surprised!

 

I wish a group of squids were called a squad.

 

Here are some puzzles

What has four letters, sometimes nine letters, always six letters, but never has five letters.

Hint: This is not a question

 

A word is this sentence is misspelled.

Hint: It is literally true.

 

What begins with a W and ends with a T?

Hint: It is literally true.

 

What is a question word. 

Hint: It is literally true.

 

What starts with E, ends with E, and has only one letter in it?

An envelope

 

Which word is the longest in the English language?

Smiles - because there is a mile between the first and last letters

 

How do you tell the difference between a chemistry professor and a politician?

Just ask them to pronounce the word: unionized.

 

What did the intransitive verb say when told it was pretty?

Nothing. Intransitive verbs can’t take a complement. 

 

Is there a word that uses all the vowels including ‘y’? 

Unquestionably.

 

What happened when the verb asked the noun to conjugate?

The noun declined.

 

Why should you never date an apostrophe?

They’re too possessive

 

What's another word for cinnamon?

Synonym.

 

What's the fastest way to ruin free pie?

Put the word 'gluten' at the beginning

 

Why would they add the word "twerk" to the dictionary?

People that would use said word don’t read.

 

Why don't the Germans care about the word, 'nichts'?

It means nothing to them.

 

What word allows you to take away two letters and get one?

Stone.

 

What word has the most letters in it?

Postbox

 

Which word becomes shorter after you add two letters to it?

Short

 

What three words will emasculate any man?

Hold my purse.

 

Do you know what the word 'was' was initially?

Before was was was was was is.

 

How many syllables does the word "Gloria" have?

Catholic choir: ‘Oh, about 18.’

 

How do you take the letter "F" out of the word "WAY"?

There is no F in way.

 

I invented a new word: Plagiarism.

 

Did you hear the one about the pregnant woman who went into labor and started shouting, “Couldn’t! Wouldn’t! Shouldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”?

She was having contractions.

 

Saying ‘I’m sorry’ is the same as saying ‘I apologize’. Except at a funeral.

 

Why are people still using dictionaries?  I just type the words into Google and see if it corrects me.

 

Autocorrect has become my worst enema.  I just wish it would go to he’ll.

 

“Bacon is good for you.”  Now you can tell people that you read somewhere bacon is good for you.

 

Recent English majors wedding vows are “I now pronouns you he and she.”

 

I before E… except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbor. 

 

Never leave alphabet soup on the stove and then go out.

It could wind up spelling disaster.

 

How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to screw the bulb almost all the way in, and one to give a surprising twist at the end.

 

Someone stole the wheels off of all the police cars! The cops are working on it—tirelessly.

They also stole all the toilets in the police station.  The police say they have nothing to go on.

 

I was hit on the head with a book.  I only have my shelf to blame.  I went to the doctor’s office to have it looked at. There, the nurse dressed his wound and gave me instructions on how to care for it. She then reassured me by adding, “Now, if you do everything I’ve told you, you won’t be with us for long.”

 

“Write a wise saying and your name will live forever.” —Anonymous.

 

A very tough question to answer

If con is the opposite of pro, then isn’t Congress the opposite of progress?

 

Question: If it's not funny, is it still a joke?

Answer: In the case of Amy Schumer, apparently

 

I asked Siri a question and she said, “Don’t call me Shirley.”

I must have left the phone in Airplane mode.

 

And to wrap this up here is a final joke.

Three nuns die and go to Heaven...

At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter tells them that they must each answer a biblical question to get in, but he reassures them that they're quite easy.
"Who was the first woman?" He says to the first nun.
"Eve." The gates swing open and she walks in.
"Where did Eve live?" He says to the second nun.
"The Garden of Eden." The gates swing open once more.
"Now, seeing as you're the Mother Superior, you must answer a more difficult question: what was the first thing Eve said when she saw Adam?" St. Peter says to the third nun.
"Oh, that's a hard one..."
The gates swing open.