Your JOW has been delivered JOW #1211

 This is the week before the Big Gift Giving Holiday.  It used to be everyone was out into the stores buying gifts.  Now it is all efficiently delivered right to your home.  Amazon delivery vans are basically Santa Clauses for adults.   My wife uses Amazon Prime so often that the other day, when she didn’t order anything the delivery guy came by to see if Ruth was all right.   They call it Amazon ‘Prime’ because ‘Crippling your local businesses’ was too long for a logo.  Here are a few jokes about delivery service.

 

Let me start with a mathematical joke:

What’s the derivative of Amazon?

Amazon prime.

 

Amazon, bringing the joy of Christmas morning every two days with packages you don’t remember ordering.

 

Did you ever wonder how Wonder Woman got all the way from her remote hidden, island to Europe in one day?  Easy.  Amazon overnight delivery.

 

What do you call when Wonder Woman and Spiderman went into business together?
Amazon Web Services.

 

What do you get when Wonder Woman has a child with a transformer?
Amazon Prime.

 

What do you call monkeys that share an Amazon account?
Prime mates.

 

Why shouldn’t you order hay for your horse off Amazon?
After a couple of days, they’ll ask for your feed back.

 

Little Johnny was binging a TV show for free on Amazon, but it won’t let him watch certain episodes. Specifically, episode number 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, and 29.
Those are only available on Amazon Prime.

 

What’s the number one item shipped by Amazon?
Cardboard boxes.

 

What’s another name for Best Buy?
The Amazon Showroom.

 

Did you hear about an amputee who found a cheap artificial arm for sale on Amazon?
It was secondhand.

 

Did you hear about the kid who ordered a thesaurus from Amazon but when it was delivered all the pages were blank?
He has no words to describe how angry he is.

 

Why did Amazon name its drone delivery service Amazon Prime Air?
Because the name Dropbox is already taken.

 

Why did Amazon Prime temporarily change its name to Amazon Rime?
Because it needed a P break.

 

Asked Alexa the secret to happiness. She added chocolate to my Amazon cart.

 

How does the pope pay for his Amazon orders?
Papal.

 

Why Amazon is a lot like Santa Clause?
It brings gifts to our homes, gets busy around Christmas, and is very eager for our cookies.

 

Of course, Amazon cares about its employees. That’s why they keep providing boxes for them to live in.

 

With Amazon Prime, you can have your regret of impulse purchases delivered even faster!

 

You can be your own secret Santa.  All you need is tequila and Amazon Prime

 

Did you hear about the order of a deck of cards from Amazon?
Two weeks later it hasn’t arrived and customer service told they’re dealing with it.

 

I just ordered an ax from Sweden.  I have always wanted a foreign ax sent.

 

Amazon has come up with a new service where they will deliver custom made clothing within 48 hours of ordering.
It’s called Tailor Swift.

 

How Amazon’s acquisition of Whole Foods really went down?
Bezos: Alexa, buy me olives from Whole Foods.
Alexa: Sure, buying all of Whole Foods.
Bezos: Crap.

 

If Hooters had a delivery option

Would it be called Knockers?

 

 

Some rejected names for delivery services

Speedy turtle delivery
Instantly delayed package
Lightning-fast snail courier
Express slow delivery
Turbo-slow mail
Promptly late arrival
Sloth messenger service
Urgently unhurried packages
Super slow express

 

I started a new job as a delivery man today

When I got to my first address there was a little sticky note left on the door saying, "Dear Mr. Delivery Man, we're out, please hide in the garage."
That was eight hours ago and nobody has found me yet.

 

I saw a line of pizza delivery scooters parked out the front of a pizza place.

Someone bumped into one of them and it topples over, and knocks down the next one, which knocks down the next one, and the next one.
It was the Domino's effect.

 

If your grandma was run over by a reindeer at Camp LeJune you may be entitled to compensation.  Call 1-800-ELF HELP

 

Another name for Santa’s helpers: subordinate clauses.

 

A man walks into a bar and glumly asks for a double whiskey.

“What’s wrong?” asked to concerned bartender.

“Yesterday I asked my childhood sweetheart, the most beautiful woman I know, and my best friend to marry me.  All three of them said no.”

 

If any of you here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do. On one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring. On the other hand... you don’t.

 

Cloning yourself and pushing your nasty clone off a cliff to its death is probably a crime, but what crime is it?
Is it murder?
Suicide?
Or making an obscene clone fall?

And finally

An elderly man lived near a forest. Over the years, his hair gradually thinned until he was completely bald. As he gathered his children for one last meeting before his death, he pointed to his bald head and said, “My hair, once luscious, is completely gone now. But look outside at the forest. It’s beautiful, full of marvelous trees. However, it too is destined to be as bare as my head.”
He continued, “And this is why I have one simple request for you all, which I hope you’ll honor. Whenever a tree dies or is cut down, plant a new one in my memory. Pass down this tradition to your children and grandchildren. Let it be our family’s mission to keep this forest thriving.”
And so they did. With each fallen tree, the children and their descendants replanted another, ensuring the forest’s vitality for generations. And to this day, that forest remains lush and vibrant, all thanks to one man’s reseeding heirline.
Now that’s what you call a family hairloom.