Coronary Correlation JOW #1267

 Coronary disease is the leading cause of death in the United States.  That is an unusual way to start a list of jokes, but I have always try to find humor in everything.  I have even had a JOW about accountants.  Coronary artery disease is something near to my heart.  Literally.  Despite a couple of stents and effective medications I once again flunked my heart stress test so I will be getting yet another heart catheter tomorrow.  Since that is where my attention has been of late my twisted mind turned to jokes about heart issues.   I will be getting sedation for this procedure, so they gave me the standard warning. “You will be given anesthesia, so for the rest of the day, do not drive, drink alcohol or sign any legal documents.  And you should probably stay off of social media, dating apps and Amazon.”   Okay, I may have made some of that up.  Anyway, here are the jokes for this week:

 

First, one for Mike:

What causes a pirate to have a heart attack?

Something clogged their arrrrrrteries

 

I have been sending out a lot of greeting cards lately.  I guess you could call me a ‘cardiologist.’

 

There was the patient who at first resisted getting a heart transplant; then he had a change of heart.

 

Heart surgeons must exclusively work from home.

Since home is where the heart is

 

Things you will never hear a cardiologist say: “The best way to a man’s heart is through his stomach."

 

What’s the worst thing a patient wants to hear during open heart surgery?

Anything

 

‘What happened to the bear with heart problems?

It had Kodiak arrest.

 

The first thing a man looks at in a woman, is her heart.

The fact that her breasts block the view is not our fault.

 

My doctor told me I only had six months to live, so I leapt over his desk and stabbed him with his own pen.

Got me five to seven years.

 

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack.
"Help me dear," she groans to her husband.
The husband makes some calls on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.
His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.
"I'm dying here and you're putting?"
"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you.
"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.
"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."

Which made me think about this golfer joke:

A recent study found that the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.  Another study reported that golfers, on average, drink 22 gallons of alcohol over the course of a year.  That means golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.  

 

A boss asks his employee, “Do you believe there is life after death?”
The employee replied, “Certainly not Sir, there’s no proof of it.”
The boss said, “Well, there is.  After you left office early yesterday to go to your brother’s funeral, he came here looking for you.”

 

An elderly patient became irate during a medical examination when he peaked at the doctor’s chart and saw that the doctor had written Major S.O.B. underlined at the bottom.  This sets the old guy off.  The physician stopped him in mid-rant by saying “It means Major Shortness of Breath. But now they both apply.”

 

A man’s doctor looked his patient in the eye and said that the man needed to stop masturbating,

When the man asked why the doctor said, 'I’m trying to give you an examination!’

Here is one off-topic joke.

One day, a family started hearing loud talking coming from underneath the ground in their backyard. They figured maybe the plumber who did some work yesterday left a radio down there.
They sat and listened to the talking, then realized it was mostly about climate change and UFO’s.
They called the plumber to ask about his missing radio.
“Radio? I didn’t bring a radio. Oh, I see the problem. I installed a skeptic tank instead of a septic tank.”

And finally

An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store some blood in case a need arose.
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so the call went out.
Finally a Scotsman was located who had a matching blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW motorcycle, diamonds and a substantial sum of money.
A couple of days later, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.
His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another motorcycle, diamonds & money... but this time you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of chocolates."
To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".