Battle JOW #1270

I have done many jokes about differences/conflicts between men and women.  It used to be called the Battle of the Sexes, but scholarly articles claim this term is wrong and hurtful since it implies men and women are so different that they cannot communicate with each other, and is hence, sexist.  Clearly these scholars are smarter than me, and everyone who has ever been in a relationship with a member of the opposite sex.  Here are some jokes about men and women trying t communicate.

 

Trying to understand women is like trying to smell the color eight.

 

Don’t bother trying to understand women…Women understand women and they hate each other.”

 

I’m trying to understand quantum physics. Because trying to understand women is too damned hard.”

 

Men and women use the same words with very different meanings,  so here is a handy translation guide.

 

The Man's Guide to Female English...

We need = I want
It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
You’re certainly attentive tonight! = Is sex all you ever think about?
I’m not emotional! And I’m not overreacting! = I’ve got my period
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper ...
I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there
I heard a noise = I am having trouble going to sleep and you are asleep.
Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re not going to like
I’ll be ready in a minute = kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Yes = No
No = No
Maybe = No
I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry
I’m not yelling! = Yes I’m yelling because I think it’s important
All we’re going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we’re stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few purses, and those sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your wallet?

The Woman's Guide to Male English...

I’m hungry = I’m hungry
I’m sleepy = I’m sleepy
I’m tired = I’m tired
Do you want to go to a movie = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
May I have this dance? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
What’s wrong? = I don’t see why you’re making such a big deal out of this
What’s wrong? = What meaningless, self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
I’m bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let’s have sex now
I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we’d better have sex now!
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = $50 and it doesn’t look that much different
Let’s talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you’d like to have sex with me
I like that one better (while shopping) = Pick any frigging dress and let’s get out of here.

 

Men, here is a simple scoring system to rate interaction with your female partner.

SIMPLE DUTIES

You go out to buy her flowers: +5
But return with beer: -5

You check out a suspicious noise at night: 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it’s nothing: 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it’s something: +5
You pummel it with a six iron: +10
It’s her cat: -30

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

You stay by her side the entire party: +1
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a drinking buddy: -1
Named Tiffany: -4
Tiffany is a dancer: -8
Tiffany has implants: -16

DATING

You take her out to dinner: +1
You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar: +2
Okay, it is a sports bar: -2
And it’s all-you-can-eat night: -5
It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team: -20

GIFT GIVING

You give her a gift: +1
You give her a gift, and it’s not a small appliance: +2
You give her a gift, and it isn’t chocolate: +2
You give her a gift that you’ll be paying off for months: +30

You give her a gift, and it is a small appliance: -10
With her credit card: -30

COMMUNICATIONS

When she wants to talk, you listen, displaying a concerned expression: +2
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes: +5
You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the television: +10
She realizes this is because you’ve fallen asleep: -50

And finally,

A married couple were walking through a garden when suddenly an aggressive dog ran towards them looking like he wanted to bite.  The husband lifted his wife up so the dog would bite him rather than his sweetheart.
The dog, confused, stopped before them, unsure what to do, barked a little and ran away.
The husband put his wife down, expecting a hug and a few kind words of gratitude from her.
But his wife shouted, “I've seen people throwing stones and sticks at dogs, this is the first time I see someone trying to throw his wife at a dog
Moral : No one else can misunderstand a husband better than a wife

 

 

Military JOW #1269

Most of you know that I have a military background.  There is a lot of humor in military life which is often unappreciated by civilians.  Here are some military-themed bits of humor.

 

Where are the headlights on a destroyer?    In the head.

 

Why does the Norwegian Navy put bar codes on their ships?
So when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.

 

What percentage of Naval recruits are pirates?
3.14.

 

Where does a General keep his armies?
In his sleevies.

 

Where does the army keep fish?
In a tank.

 

 Once there was a Roman army that became famous after selling milk products to people. It was Legion Dairy.

 

Did you hear that the military is considering bringing in emotional support dogs for people deployed on extended submarine tours?
They think installing subwoofers will be good for morale.

 

What’s the highest rank in the popcorn army?
Kernel.

 

Why is the Army so strict on uniforms?
To minimize casual tees.

 

ARMY+ A Recruiter Misled You

ARMY = Aren't Ready for Marines Yet, but don't worry, we'll get you trained.

 

As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, “All right! All you idiots fall out.”
As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention. The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him and then raised a single eyebrow.

The soldier smiled and said, “Sure was a lot of ’em, huh, sarge?”

 

The services all have investigative services.  Applicants for this prestigious position were subject to initial interviews to determine if they were suitable candidates. 

Interviewer: “We want a person with a suspicious mind; always alert, merciless; ready to attack; high sense of hearing and most importantly; having a killer instinct. So do you think you are eligible?”
Candidate: “No sir; but can my wife apply?”

 

Military manuals sometimes have dry humor.

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it.  That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."  - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

"Aim towards the Enemy."  - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.  - U.S. Marine Corps

"Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate.  The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."  - USAF Ammo Troop

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."  - U.S. Air Force Pilot Manual

"Five second fuses only last three seconds."  - Army Infantry Journal

"Any ship can be a minesweeper.   Once.”  Navy Ship Captain Manual 

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."  - Your Buddies

"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."  - USAF Ammo Troop

"Never trade luck for skill.”  Marine Infantry Instructor

The air side has and especially funny set of admonitions: 
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.”- Navy Fighter Pilot

"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes on the ocean floor than submarines in the sky."  - From an old Navy Carrier Sailor

"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.” Army Helicopter Pilot Manual

"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to take you to your crash site.” …. Smart Pilot

"Airspeed, altitude and brains.  Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.”   All retired Military Pilots 

"A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication.” Old Air Force Pilot

"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!” All Military Pilots

"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.”  All Military Pilots

"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding it or doing anything about it.”

"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)

"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.” ……All old, retired pilots

Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air.  Do not go near the edges of it.  The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space.  It is much more difficult to fly there."……Smart and Old Pilots 

The crash truck arrives at the scene of an airplane crash.  A rescuer sees a bloodied pilot wrapped in his parachute next to the wreckage and asks him "What happened?". 

The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!"  -

 

How different military branches use the stars:

The Army sleeps beneath the stars.

The Navy uses the stars to navigate.

The Air Force chooses their hotels based on the stars.

Marines get gold star stickers after they finish eating the whole box of crayons.

 

What do soldiers do when they find a scorpion in their tent?

In the Marines, they kill the scorpion.

In the Army, they call their CO and report the presence of the scorpion.

In the Air Force, he calls the front desk and asks why there’s a tent in his room. The Navy wonders what a tent and a scorpion are.

And finally

A famous Admiral and an equally famous General were fishing together when a sudden storm hit. When it died down both renowned warriors were struggling helplessly in the water.

The Admiral floundered his way back to the boat and pulled himself painfully in. Then he fished out the General, using an oar.

Catching his breath, he puffed: “Please don’t say a word about this to anyone. If the Navy found out I can’t swim very well, I’d be disgraced.”

“Don’t worry,” the general said. “Your secret is safe. I’d hate to have my men find out I can’t walk on water.”

 

 

 

Dumb Blonde JOW #1268

 

I enjoy jokes about people doing dumb things, partly because I have been one of those people.  It used to be we would make fun of ‘other’ groups (such as Polacks), but in these more sensitive and caring times the only people we can still mock are blondes.  The term ‘dumb blonde’ is at least as old as the ‘dumb jock’ trope.  I have a few jokes with a dumb blonde theme.  Oh, and on a personal note, I passed my heart cath.  My pipes are not getting clogged; this is a good thing.

I tease blondes but frankly if common sense was lard, most people wouldn’t be able to grease a pan.

 

Why do blondes love boob jobs?

It’s the only job they’re qualified for.

 

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

“I wonder if it’s mine.”

 

How do you confuse a blonde?

You don’t. They’re born that way.

 

What's it called when a blonde dyes her hair brown?

Artificial intelligence.

 

I asked my blonde friend why she kept empty beer bottles in the refrigerator.

She said, "They're for my friends who don't drink."

 

Brunette: "Have you met my identical twin sister yet?"

Blonde: "No, what does she look like?"

 

One blonde tells the other:
“What do you think, isn’t it the time to tell my parents I’m adopted?”

 

Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop

When a bus pulls up and opens the door, one of the blonds leans inside and asks the bus driver: “Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?”

The bus driver shakes his head and says, “No, I’m sorry.”

Hearing this, the other blond leans inside, smiles, and twitters: “Will it take ME?”

 

A blonde shot an arrow in the air. She missed.

 

A brunette and a blonde walk in a park one morning.

Suddenly, the brunette notices a dead bird on the ground. “Awww, look at the dead birdie,” she said sadly.

The blonde stops, looked up into the sky, and said, “Where? Where?”

 

A blonde guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. The wife started having contractions one day, so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two baby boys.

The blonde guy turned to his wife and angrily said, “All right, who’s the other father?”

 

A blonde guy was sitting in a bar when he spotted a very pretty young woman. He advances towards her when the bartender says to him, “Don’t waste your time on that one. She’s a lesbian.”

The blonde goes over to her anyway and says, “So which part of Lesbia are you from?”

 

A blonde asked her coworker, "Do you have any kids?"

"Yes," she replied. "I have one child that's just under two."

The blonde said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."

 

A blonde girl was playing Roulette in Las Vegas. She was having a bad day and lost all her money except the last $100.
“What else am I going to do now?”, – she cried.
The man was sitting next to her and asked her:
“Why don’t you play your age?”
The girl put all her money on 29 and when 36 hit, she fainted.

 

A blonde and a brunette are having a dialogue.

Blonde: what does IDK stand for?

Brunette: l don't know.

Blonde: OMG, I’ve asked to everyone and nobody knows.

 

A blonde’s neighbor’s house was on fire, so she called 911.
The blonde told the operator, “My neighbor’s house is on fire!”.
The operator asked, “Where are you? ”
The blonde answered, “At my house”.
The operator replied, “No, I’m asking how we get there?”
The blonde said, “In a firetruck, duh!”

 

A blonde, brunette, and redhead are on the run from police and take cover in a barn. The best hiding spot available is behind large sacks of potatoes. It isn't long before the police arrive at the farm and enter the barn. As the police look around with their flashlights, the girls stay completely still and silent. A spider crawls across one of their legs, prompting her to kick it off — that made a slight noise. The police approach the sacks of potatoes, and one officer kicked a sack with his boot. The brunette says, 'Meow.'

‘Oh, just a cat’.

He kicked the next sack, and the redhead says, 'Woof.'

‘Oh, just a dog.’

He kicks the last sack, and the blonde says, 'Sack of potatoes.'

 

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead walk into a bar, and they see Jesus.
"Wow! That's really Jesus!" they say. "We should buy him a beer."
They walked up to Jesus and ask him: "Jesus, may we please buy you a beer?"
Jesus replies: "yes you may, my children."
Jesus drinks his beer and he is satisfied. In gratitude, he placed his hand on the redhead's shoulder, and said: "thank you for the beer, my child."
The redhead gasps and says: "my shoulder! It's stopped hurting! Thank you, Jesus."
Jesus turns to the brunette, he places his hand on her wrist, and he says: "thank you for the beer, my child."
The brunette gasps and says: "my wrist! It's all better! Thank you, Jesus."
Jess turns to the blonde. He tries to touch her back and he said: "Thank you for the beer, my child."
The blonde backs away from Jesus and said: "No thanks. I've got workman's comp."

 

And a couple of off topic jokes.

 

People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, nobody's laughing now.

 

A man started rubbing an old lamp he found, and a genie appeared and granted him a wish.

The man asked to make him irresistible to women.

So the genie turned him into a pair of really cute shoes.

 

 

 

Coronary Correlation JOW #1267

 Coronary disease is the leading cause of death in the United States.  That is an unusual way to start a list of jokes, but I have always try to find humor in everything.  I have even had a JOW about accountants.  Coronary artery disease is something near to my heart.  Literally.  Despite a couple of stents and effective medications I once again flunked my heart stress test so I will be getting yet another heart catheter tomorrow.  Since that is where my attention has been of late my twisted mind turned to jokes about heart issues.   I will be getting sedation for this procedure, so they gave me the standard warning. “You will be given anesthesia, so for the rest of the day, do not drive, drink alcohol or sign any legal documents.  And you should probably stay off of social media, dating apps and Amazon.”   Okay, I may have made some of that up.  Anyway, here are the jokes for this week:

 

First, one for Mike:

What causes a pirate to have a heart attack?

Something clogged their arrrrrrteries

 

I have been sending out a lot of greeting cards lately.  I guess you could call me a ‘cardiologist.’

 

There was the patient who at first resisted getting a heart transplant; then he had a change of heart.

 

Heart surgeons must exclusively work from home.

Since home is where the heart is

 

Things you will never hear a cardiologist say: “The best way to a man’s heart is through his stomach."

 

What’s the worst thing a patient wants to hear during open heart surgery?

Anything

 

‘What happened to the bear with heart problems?

It had Kodiak arrest.

 

The first thing a man looks at in a woman, is her heart.

The fact that her breasts block the view is not our fault.

 

My doctor told me I only had six months to live, so I leapt over his desk and stabbed him with his own pen.

Got me five to seven years.

 

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack.
"Help me dear," she groans to her husband.
The husband makes some calls on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.
His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.
"I'm dying here and you're putting?"
"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you.
"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.
"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."

Which made me think about this golfer joke:

A recent study found that the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.  Another study reported that golfers, on average, drink 22 gallons of alcohol over the course of a year.  That means golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.  

 

A boss asks his employee, “Do you believe there is life after death?”
The employee replied, “Certainly not Sir, there’s no proof of it.”
The boss said, “Well, there is.  After you left office early yesterday to go to your brother’s funeral, he came here looking for you.”

 

An elderly patient became irate during a medical examination when he peaked at the doctor’s chart and saw that the doctor had written Major S.O.B. underlined at the bottom.  This sets the old guy off.  The physician stopped him in mid-rant by saying “It means Major Shortness of Breath. But now they both apply.”

 

A man’s doctor looked his patient in the eye and said that the man needed to stop masturbating,

When the man asked why the doctor said, 'I’m trying to give you an examination!’

Here is one off-topic joke.

One day, a family started hearing loud talking coming from underneath the ground in their backyard. They figured maybe the plumber who did some work yesterday left a radio down there.
They sat and listened to the talking, then realized it was mostly about climate change and UFO’s.
They called the plumber to ask about his missing radio.
“Radio? I didn’t bring a radio. Oh, I see the problem. I installed a skeptic tank instead of a septic tank.”

And finally

An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store some blood in case a need arose.
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so the call went out.
Finally a Scotsman was located who had a matching blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW motorcycle, diamonds and a substantial sum of money.
A couple of days later, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.
His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another motorcycle, diamonds & money... but this time you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of chocolates."
To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".