Nautical JOW #1282

 

I just returned from my delightful cruise on the coast of Georgia, and so my mind is still tending toward things boating.  Thus, my JOW is more or less about boats this week.  I would say something specious like ‘Happy Memorial Day’, but frankly, I am happy not to be one of the veterans who are no longer among us, a list that, sadly, continues to grow.  I hope you like my nautical jokes this week.

 

Three guys are on a boat with four cigarettes, but they have nothing to light them with.

So, they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

 

How did the sailor afford such a big boat?

It was on sail.

 

I once made a small boat out of a large bell.

It was a little dingy

 

I'm outfitting my boat for sport fishing.

Ship just got reels.

 

Why do boats have round windows?

So that water doesn't hit you square in the face.

 

I don’t know where to park my boat and everyone at the dock keeps staring at me.

I’m under…a lot of pier pressure.

 

If your boat gets sick, I know a great dock.
It’s pier-reviewed.

 

Have you heard about the Bluetooth iceberg?
Any ship that goes near it will sync.

 

Where do zombies like to go sailing?
The Dead Sea.

 

What do you call it when one boat follows another boat too closely?

Sailgating

 

I bought a new boat and it's the best, except it's shaped like a centaur.

Great horsemanship.

 

What happens when an alligator drives a boat?

He becomes a navigator

 

What do you call a boat full of polite football players?

A good sportsman ship

 

What do you call a boat full of penises and potatoes?

A dictatorship.  (Say it out loud)

 

Before the surgery, the anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle...

It was an ether/oar situation.

 

A girl I wanted to date said I had the face like the back of a boat.

I didn’t reply, but I gave her a stern look.

 

What's with the sudden influx of Killer Whale attacks on boats?

Seems Orcastrated

 

A evil worshiper just got a new power boat...

He christened it Sail Hatin'

 

Did you know you can wear any boat as a hat?

You just have to turn it upside down to make it cap sized.

 

When rowing a boat, do you use the left paddle or the right paddle?

Or is it either oar.

 

Two drunk guys were on a boat cruising. When they passed by a beach, one guy points and jokingly yells out "Land Ho!".

From the beach, a blonde girl yells back "That's rude"!

 

How many boaters does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, because the right size bulb isn’t on board, the local marine-supply store doesn’t carry that brand, and the mail-order house has them on back-order.

 

A rich man developed an obsession to continually buy new yachts.  Doctors had to put him on an antibuyachtic.

 

A very nervous first-time crew member says to the skipper, “Do boats like this sink very often?”
“Not too often,” replied the skipper. “Usually it’s only the once.”

“Well how far is land?”

“About two miles.  Straight down.”

 

The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand, so they sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AGENT: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."
Boat Owner: “Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does most of the work around here. He makes about $30 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of rum every Saturday night so he can cope with life."
IRS AGENT: “That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one."
Boat Owner: “That would be me. What would you like to know?"

 

Three priests were out cruising on a boat.

One of them says "We should confess our sins to one another."
The first one says "I have a gambling problem, I sneak out at night and gamble away all my money..
The second one says "I have an addiction to porn and can't stop looking at it."
The third one says "I am a gossip and can't wait to get off this boat."

 

And a couple of off topic jokes to end things up.

 

One lovely morning, Robert and Charlie were out golfing.

Robert slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball. Robert searches diligently through the thick underbrush and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.
Robert excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: "Hey Charlie, come here, I got big trouble down here."
Charlie comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out, "What's the matter Ben?"
Robert shouts back in a nervous voice, "Throw me my 7-iron! It looks like you can't get out of here with an 8-iron."

 

The President invites the Pope to lunch on a boat. The Pope accepted and during lunch, a puff of wind blew the pontiff's hat off, right into the water. It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just floated in place.

The crew and the Secret Service were scrambling to launch a boat to go get it, when Biden waved them off, saying, "Never mind boys, I'll get it."
Then Trump climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water to the hat, picked it up, walked back on the water, climbed into the yacht, and handed the Pope his hat.
The crew was speechless. The security team and the Pope's entourage were speechless. No one knew what to say, not even the Pope.
But that afternoon, ABC, CBS, NBC, CNN, MSNBC reported breaking news:
"TRUMP CAN'T SWIM"

 

Mother of a JOW #1281

First, a note about the JOWs.  I will be sailing off the Georgia coast next week and probably not have the opportunity to do a JOW so don't expect one.  If you stop getting the JOWs (and want to keep receiving them) please let me know.  People drop off the list from time to time for no good reason.  Also, if you change emails, just let me know.  You can always catch up on my JOW blog: https://thospinneyjow.blogspot.com which I started back in ’08.

My JOWs are often a step behind.  Mother’s Day was last Sunday, but it took me some time for jokes about mothers to percolate up for me to use.  Here are a few jokes with a mother of a theme.

 

For Mother's Day, I bought my mom new beads for her abacus...

It’s the little things that count...

 

Moms are like coffee

Necessary every day.

 

"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital..."

"Jeremy, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."

 

Mommy, what is a boyfriend?
When you grow up, you will know.
Can I have one?
Yes, when you grow up and be a good boy, you'll have a boyfriend.
What if I become a bad girl?
Then you'll have many.

 

A little girl asks her father: "Daddy, what is corruption?"

-- Go bring me a beer and I'll tell you.
-- But mommy said you should stop drinking!
-- Get yourself an ice-cream too while you bring me that beer.
-- Oh, okay!

 

Why do we have Pop-Tarts and not Mom-Tarts?

Because of the Pastry-archy

 

Here are a few edgier jokes

A boy asked his mom if by any chance he was adopted?

She replied – ‘Why would we choose you?’

 

Kid: "Mom, am I ugly?"

Mom: "I told you not to call me mom in public."

 

A good mom lets you lick the batter off the mixer.

A great mom turns off the mixer first.

 

The other day I asked my mom how many 'a couple' was,

"Two or three" she said.
I think I get why she and my dad got divorced.

 

A young son saw his dad taking Viagra and asked what it was...

He replied, "It's just a vitamin I have to take every once in a while."
His wife said, "You really shouldn't lie to the boy."
The man, irritated, said, "you're right Honey."  He knelt next to his son and said, "This is the pill Daddy needs because Mommy is getting old."

 

Son: Mom, meet my girlfriend.

Mom: You sure about this? I think you deserve better.
Son: But mom, I love her so much!
Mom: I'm talking to her.

 

"I'm getting really worried about my mom," the guy says.

The last few times I visited her she can't remember my name."

"Is it Alzheimer's?" his friend asks.

"No," the guy says in disgust. "It's Steve."

 

Teenager's Mom is worried that her daughter has been skipping Sunday School

Mom: Now then Barbara, why have you not been attending Sunday School?
Barbara: Because it’s boring and I don't learn anything.
Mom: That's ridiculous, you can a lot about life, for example do you know who made you?
Barbara: Originally or recently?

 

Kids know what works

To Mom: “I don’t feel good” “Where’s my sock?” “Will you make me a sandwich?” 

To Dad: “Where’s Mom?”

 

When a kid says " Daddy, I want mommy", that's the kid’s version of "I'd like to speak to your supervisor."

 

My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she is overreacting.

She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said
"She didn't work out."
She told me to be more specific, so I said
"I just told you, she didn't exercise."

 

My mom’s new husband gave me his ladder.

It’s now my step ladder.

 

Scenes form a trailer park

Daughter: "Mom, I'm dating the neighbor"

Mother: "But he could be your father..."
Daughter: "Age doesn't count for me, Mom!"
Mother:" I don't think you understand..."

 

Jewish Mom buys a new apartment

She calls her son once she is moved in and is gushing about what a nice place she has and invites him to come see it.
Of course he agrees so she starts giving him directions on how to get there.
"Once you park, head straight through the courtyard and you'll see a buzzer for the apartments. Use your right elbow to hit 3B and I'll buzz you in. When you get inside walk over to the elevator and use your knee to push the UP button. Then use your left elbow to hit 3. I'm the apartment at the end of the hall. Kick the door two times and I'll come open it for you."
The son is understandably confused by these detailed instructions. "But Mom, can't I just use my hands for the buzzer and elevator and to knock on the door?" he asks.
She pauses for a minute. Finally, she says
"Oh, so you're not bringing anything..."

 

And finally

A mom takes her daughter to the doctor

The doctor says, “Okay, what seems to be the problem?”
The mother says, “It’s my daughter Suzie. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight and is sick most mornings.”
The doctor gives Suzie a good examination, and then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but Suzie is pregnant. About 4 months would be my guess.”
The mother says, “Pregnant?!  She can’t be, she has never ever been left alone with a man!  Have you, Suzie?”
Suzie says, “No mom! I’ve never even kissed a man!”
The doctor walks over to the window and just stares out of it.
A few moments later, the mother says, “Is there something wrong out there, doctor?”
The doctor replies, "No, not really. It's just that the last time something like this happened, a star appeared in the East and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be damned if I'm going to miss it this time!"