Mother of a JOW #1281

First, a note about the JOWs.  I will be sailing off the Georgia coast next week and probably not have the opportunity to do a JOW so don't expect one.  If you stop getting the JOWs (and want to keep receiving them) please let me know.  People drop off the list from time to time for no good reason.  Also, if you change emails, just let me know.  You can always catch up on my JOW blog: https://thospinneyjow.blogspot.com which I started back in ’08.

My JOWs are often a step behind.  Mother’s Day was last Sunday, but it took me some time for jokes about mothers to percolate up for me to use.  Here are a few jokes with a mother of a theme.

 

For Mother's Day, I bought my mom new beads for her abacus...

It’s the little things that count...

 

Moms are like coffee

Necessary every day.

 

"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital..."

"Jeremy, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."

 

Mommy, what is a boyfriend?
When you grow up, you will know.
Can I have one?
Yes, when you grow up and be a good boy, you'll have a boyfriend.
What if I become a bad girl?
Then you'll have many.

 

A little girl asks her father: "Daddy, what is corruption?"

-- Go bring me a beer and I'll tell you.
-- But mommy said you should stop drinking!
-- Get yourself an ice-cream too while you bring me that beer.
-- Oh, okay!

 

Why do we have Pop-Tarts and not Mom-Tarts?

Because of the Pastry-archy

 

Here are a few edgier jokes

A boy asked his mom if by any chance he was adopted?

She replied – ‘Why would we choose you?’

 

Kid: "Mom, am I ugly?"

Mom: "I told you not to call me mom in public."

 

A good mom lets you lick the batter off the mixer.

A great mom turns off the mixer first.

 

The other day I asked my mom how many 'a couple' was,

"Two or three" she said.
I think I get why she and my dad got divorced.

 

A young son saw his dad taking Viagra and asked what it was...

He replied, "It's just a vitamin I have to take every once in a while."
His wife said, "You really shouldn't lie to the boy."
The man, irritated, said, "you're right Honey."  He knelt next to his son and said, "This is the pill Daddy needs because Mommy is getting old."

 

Son: Mom, meet my girlfriend.

Mom: You sure about this? I think you deserve better.
Son: But mom, I love her so much!
Mom: I'm talking to her.

 

"I'm getting really worried about my mom," the guy says.

The last few times I visited her she can't remember my name."

"Is it Alzheimer's?" his friend asks.

"No," the guy says in disgust. "It's Steve."

 

Teenager's Mom is worried that her daughter has been skipping Sunday School

Mom: Now then Barbara, why have you not been attending Sunday School?
Barbara: Because it’s boring and I don't learn anything.
Mom: That's ridiculous, you can a lot about life, for example do you know who made you?
Barbara: Originally or recently?

 

Kids know what works

To Mom: “I don’t feel good” “Where’s my sock?” “Will you make me a sandwich?” 

To Dad: “Where’s Mom?”

 

When a kid says " Daddy, I want mommy", that's the kid’s version of "I'd like to speak to your supervisor."

 

My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she is overreacting.

She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said
"She didn't work out."
She told me to be more specific, so I said
"I just told you, she didn't exercise."

 

My mom’s new husband gave me his ladder.

It’s now my step ladder.

 

Scenes form a trailer park

Daughter: "Mom, I'm dating the neighbor"

Mother: "But he could be your father..."
Daughter: "Age doesn't count for me, Mom!"
Mother:" I don't think you understand..."

 

Jewish Mom buys a new apartment

She calls her son once she is moved in and is gushing about what a nice place she has and invites him to come see it.
Of course he agrees so she starts giving him directions on how to get there.
"Once you park, head straight through the courtyard and you'll see a buzzer for the apartments. Use your right elbow to hit 3B and I'll buzz you in. When you get inside walk over to the elevator and use your knee to push the UP button. Then use your left elbow to hit 3. I'm the apartment at the end of the hall. Kick the door two times and I'll come open it for you."
The son is understandably confused by these detailed instructions. "But Mom, can't I just use my hands for the buzzer and elevator and to knock on the door?" he asks.
She pauses for a minute. Finally, she says
"Oh, so you're not bringing anything..."

 

And finally

A mom takes her daughter to the doctor

The doctor says, “Okay, what seems to be the problem?”
The mother says, “It’s my daughter Suzie. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight and is sick most mornings.”
The doctor gives Suzie a good examination, and then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but Suzie is pregnant. About 4 months would be my guess.”
The mother says, “Pregnant?!  She can’t be, she has never ever been left alone with a man!  Have you, Suzie?”
Suzie says, “No mom! I’ve never even kissed a man!”
The doctor walks over to the window and just stares out of it.
A few moments later, the mother says, “Is there something wrong out there, doctor?”
The doctor replies, "No, not really. It's just that the last time something like this happened, a star appeared in the East and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be damned if I'm going to miss it this time!"